what was stopping you before you made the decision to get top surgery?
hmm a lot of things. there's just so much to go over. surgery is obviously scary, the thought of the post-op care grosses the hell out of me, big change is scary too, what if i have bad outcomes (lifelong nerve pain is a huge concern), what if the entire urge magically blows over in a couple of years, what if my body feels alien to me what if i don't like the results what if i regret it and i can never go back. what if what if what if. and some of those things there's no solution to, no way to know and no way to prevent. so ultimately i just had to say "yeah, but what if im happy? what if it all works out?"
i was going 2 leave that answer there tbh but. nah u know what. u know one thing that im not sure if ive ever discussed on here cause its like actually my biggest most pathetic fear abt it all lol and has probably held me back more than even worrying about pain and death. what if women don't like me? what if lesbians aren't into me? ive seen the way some women talk abt trans/detrans bodies. with the 'mutilated' and all. and my gender-critical views mean most of the kind of pro-trans/t4t ppl who would b into someone who's had top surgery aren't exactly an option dating-wise. literally what if im alone forever. that's been one of the biggest things that's held me back n thats. very sad. but eventually i had to just say... we all talk abt the idea of stuff like makeup and uncomfortable clothing and cosmetic surgery being 'for yourself' and how ultimately it never really is bc its still something that was put into u by society. and definitely this is something that was put into me by society. but at a certain point i realised that living in a way i didn't want to & holding myself back bc i didn't want to be unattractive to other lesbians.. how is that any better? how's that better than someone wearing makeup and heels to be attractive to men? how is punishing yourself bc you're scared of being alone ever a good thing?
and anyway, times are changing. having a flat chest and scars doesn't always have to be the end of the world, sex/romance-wise. ofc in some circles its completely fine & accepted, but ofc i don't always get along w the ppl in those circles. but even amongst lesbians, i see more and more detrans women who've had surgery & are in happy relationships w other women who love their body, scars n all. so maybe there is a place for me after all.
