#tryinglife

My name is Mari, and I’m a 19 year old Pansexual. 

I love art and writing, and have accounts for both those things in different places.

I’m currently engaged to be married in October and expecting a little girl in August.

I’m not always the best at making friends, because I never really had many growing up, but I always try my best to be a caring person; which is why we currently own so many cats. ^^’

Though some of our fur-babies are looking for new homes currently, it’s a very full house. We have nine adult cats, three small kittens, and 7 newborn babies. In about two months, the kittens will have new families, and so will their mothers, so we’ll have less mouths to feed.

My mother and I (and now my fiance) have been rescuing, fostering, and rehabilitating animals for years now, and though it hurts to see a small baby that I raised leave me, I feel a sense of pride every time I see the new parent smile because I know without me, that little baby might not have made it to their home today.

All of our current babies, minus the kittens and newborns, were rescues. Each cat has their own story, but those are for a later date.

I, personally, have Bi-Polar and Major Depression, and have been dealing with it since I was 12. After a few stints in a Mental Facility, I finally found medications that worked, and along with therapy have been improving wonderfully. I still have days where everything is hard and I don’t want to get up, but I know I have to, because I deserve to see things get better.

I discovered my sexuality at a young age, and that made life simultaneously harder and easier.

There were many people I lost to my discovery, but a good amount stayed and supported and loved me. I’m thankful everyday that I have people who still love me, no matter who I love.

I had a very rough childhood. My father was there, but never “there” and believed that just because he paid for things, it made up for the emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse he put my brother and I through. My mother was, at the time, not able to be around, so I was mainly “raised” by my grandmother. By that, I mean she parented the best she knew how, and I raised my younger brother, because we never saw eye to eye. I moved around quite a bit, to family members who would let me, but I always came back to watch my brother. When I came out, and when I started fighting back against my family’s emotional abuse, I was shunned by many. I lost relationships with my aunts/uncles, the cousins I never really talked to began to look down their noses even more. Because in my “family”, you don’t talk about your problems. You don’t tell people what happens. You bottle it up and never talk to the outside world about it. I was alone, in every sense of the word. My brother was the only person who never made a big deal of it; ever.

When I told him I had a girlfriend, his only question was if she would play video games with him.

Now, 5+ years later, I’ve regained some family members, but there will always be a strain. I will always remember the hurtful things that were said and the names that I was called. Yes, I still love the members of my family who’re with me now, but I can honestly say I’m not sure how much I can trust them. I mean, if they can drop me from their life in the span of one day before, who’s to say they won’t do it now..?

The years have been mostly kind to me, and now I’m marrying a wonderful man and having a child... But those are things that scare me.

I’m having this little girl who is half me. And I know me. I know what I did and thought growing up, I know that many conditions I and my family have are hereditary, and I fear that she might have them. Everyone says “You’ll be fine!” and “You won’t become your parents!”

And that’s easy to say and wonderful to hear, but there’s still fear.

What if I mess her up?

What if she has my conditions?

What is she doesn’t like me?

What if I can’t be as good a mom to her as my mother has been to me?

I honestly don’t know what the future holds, and I don’t know where I’ll be in ten years, or even ten days, but I’m trying.

I’m making the best of my life, the best I know how. And I’m definitely going to fuck it up more than once, and more than I already have, but I’m trying.

And all we really can do in life is try, right..?