#truthnuggets

I'm almost 30 and I'm writing about how I feel. What a disaster.

I made it out to be something “real” and existential, and it was everything but.

Watching that scene in Garden State where Natalie Portman quietly retreats and cries hysterically while Zach Braff leaves to figure his shit out. It reminds me of the time I hugged him outside LAX and was so incredibly sad to have him leave.

I cried that entire ride to and from because I was being selfish and because I thought that somehow that showed a type of affection that I still can’t show. I know that I was wrong, now. After the fact, I realize that this wasn’t at all romantic and I wasn’t doing anyone favors or showing off my new found comfort with public displays of affection. This was all in my head. And even after it ended as badly as it did, I sit here and watch this movie again and I can noticeably see how much more happy I am and how I don’t feel the need to romanticize something as as heavy as my mental illness to feel like I can function. Because the truth is, it’s not at all romantic to feel like it’s weighing you down.

I guess I just feel different. I guess I feel like my issues with both commitment and affection aren’t badges of honor, but they are things that are reflective of that pride I once held for being young and full of love… Or so I thought. At 29, that isn’t the case anymore.

I’m glad he left, and I’m glad I cried hysterically. I’m glad I figured out why I did everything the way that I did and I’m glad at the things I’m accomplishing for myself now. I’m glad that I cry everyday for dumb shit, and not for dumb sad shit. I’m happy to have the company that I do, and I’m just generally happy to feel like I can feel, positively, for the first time in a long one.

Sometimes I think about what I would say if I got a random little anon message in box. Not the 'omglob yer blawg' kind, but the "Remember when.." that leads to a cryptic memory between two people that I can instantly remember who I shared it with and be like "OH HAAY".

Sometimes I wonder if its someone that I hate, or someone that I'm just really sad and hurt by. Sometimes I hope that it's someone from my past that was a really nice person to me at one point or vice versa and they're like 'Hay girl dat was super kewl of u dat 1 time'.

But then I get realistic. What would I say to the person I hated? Would I be nice to the person I met for 3 seconds 7 years a go? Will I create a new bond, or recreate a new/old hybrid of memories. I wonder if anyone would try it? Or would they just email me instead? It always makes a pitter patter in my heart because I never know.

Sometimes, the unknown is fucking scary in a cool way. You discover how long you come from whatever point you left at and the knowledge just spills out cha brain.

Just because something looks and feels scary at first doesn't mean I need to dismis it as 'broken' or 'lost'. Baggage doesn't have a size, it's a small compartmentalized little box that holds everything that is scary. I have a box. You have a box. Everyone does.

Some boxes are open and some remain closed for years until a person can open it and address everything inside. I opened that box, but I haven't addressed everything in it, so why should I judge someone that is trying to do the same with theirs. I went in my own head this weekend trying to go over stupid details, and realized I missed out on the big picture.

This doesn't have anything to do with me. I thought that it did, but it doesn't. It has more to do with how I feel about myself to feel that I'm above things. I don't want to feel high and mighty for things that I went through as well. I got off my moral high horse this weekend, because I needed a little more ground to walk on. I reassesed what it is I want, and after talking to multiple friends about it, I realized that I want support.

I want the support I was questioning in giving out. I can't do that. I wouldn't be the person I am if I so selfishly turned away. I understand that I'm somewhere else and if things get scary down the line, I'm at every right to end whatever need be. 

I can't do to him, what everyone has done to me. I can't bail because things got weird. I would be no better than everyone that has done me dirty - and first and foremost, I'm a good friend above anything. Even if it meant going through a rough time, I'd give it a go.

I'm going to break my 'holier than thou-i'm too good for this-i'm not sure i need this' pattern. I do this way too often to make myself feel better and to excuse the fact that I'm bailing. I can't do that anymore. I've been a shitty person for doing that for such a long time. I need to re-evaluate what I want, and while I still don't know exactly what that is... I need to change it.