#truthmorcels

It's scary to know that I've met someone who can deal with my crazy shit and still stick around for the end result. I'm not sure how much more I can test myself and my own limits with this. I'm confused on how toxic this is, or if this is me trying to writhe my way into ruining this dudes life. 

A few of my friends don't approve - but the ones who've seen me at the good place in this have hope that this will work out. It's weird to know that even when you're single shit sucks, and when you're with someone it still sucks. He's made such a huge change in the last few days, I'm so fucking proud - but at the same time, I haven't changed for shit. I preach and don't complete. 

I made it out to be something “real” and existential, and it was everything but.

Watching that scene in Garden State where Natalie Portman quietly retreats and cries hysterically while Zach Braff leaves to figure his shit out. It reminds me of the time I hugged him outside LAX and was so incredibly sad to have him leave.

I cried that entire ride to and from because I was being selfish and because I thought that somehow that showed a type of affection that I still can’t show. I know that I was wrong, now. After the fact, I realize that this wasn’t at all romantic and I wasn’t doing anyone favors or showing off my new found comfort with public displays of affection. This was all in my head. And even after it ended as badly as it did, I sit here and watch this movie again and I can noticeably see how much more happy I am and how I don’t feel the need to romanticize something as as heavy as my mental illness to feel like I can function. Because the truth is, it’s not at all romantic to feel like it’s weighing you down.

I guess I just feel different. I guess I feel like my issues with both commitment and affection aren’t badges of honor, but they are things that are reflective of that pride I once held for being young and full of love… Or so I thought. At 29, that isn’t the case anymore.

I’m glad he left, and I’m glad I cried hysterically. I’m glad I figured out why I did everything the way that I did and I’m glad at the things I’m accomplishing for myself now. I’m glad that I cry everyday for dumb shit, and not for dumb sad shit. I’m happy to have the company that I do, and I’m just generally happy to feel like I can feel, positively, for the first time in a long one.

Sometimes I think about what I would say if I got a random little anon message in box. Not the 'omglob yer blawg' kind, but the "Remember when.." that leads to a cryptic memory between two people that I can instantly remember who I shared it with and be like "OH HAAY".

Sometimes I wonder if its someone that I hate, or someone that I'm just really sad and hurt by. Sometimes I hope that it's someone from my past that was a really nice person to me at one point or vice versa and they're like 'Hay girl dat was super kewl of u dat 1 time'.

But then I get realistic. What would I say to the person I hated? Would I be nice to the person I met for 3 seconds 7 years a go? Will I create a new bond, or recreate a new/old hybrid of memories. I wonder if anyone would try it? Or would they just email me instead? It always makes a pitter patter in my heart because I never know.

Sometimes, the unknown is fucking scary in a cool way. You discover how long you come from whatever point you left at and the knowledge just spills out cha brain.

rumpshaker replied to your post: Oh hay sup herp?

basically, wrap it up, get yours and leave.