#truth talk

Steve Harvey says white people have zero pull when it comes to what’s considered cool, claiming black culture has always been the blueprint for music, sports, and fashion 🤔

“Taylor Swift is cold, but people prefer Beyoncé.”

“White people have black athletes on their walls.”

This is how fucked up things are, with me, not the universe in general... but if you take a little look around / eh, things don’t seem so bright, in general. 

I’m having my home renovated and yes, I do understand how fucking blessed I am supposed to be feeling, but if you have ever had to wash your hair in a small fucking basin - well - don’t.  I can’t get over the thought that right now my home is a freaken hole. There is nothing where my bathroom or kitchen is supposed to be and my heart is bloody broken thinking of everyone stepping their dirty fucking footprints onto my tiled floors - floors that I wash religiously 4 to 5 times a day. Who am I kidding, it’s 7 times. It is always 7 times. 

While this renovation to my house is happening, my body, which is actually the only true home I will ever have, is trying to off me... again.  I’ve been in and out of the hospital for two weeks and I am exhausted.  Like fuck me up, what is happening!!??

But you know what?  That’s not the worst of it.  I am constantly having to remind myself that it is 2017 and we are supposed to be making progress in life, in the basic human rights of people but instead, all I fucking read is how my friends overseas are having their human rights revoked one by one.  Who is allowing this!? Why is this okay!?

Yesterday, my friends’ new president signed a ‘gag rule’ on abortion.  I’m fucking 3000 miles away, why the fuck am I this upset about it!!? Because friends,  in 2016 alone, South Africa received R1.3 Billion from the US for healthcare and although surely not all of that money had been spent on abortions, having funds cut short to NGOs because of their use of some of this money to ensure safe abortions to those in need will have tremendous repercussions to the overall health and wellbeing of South Africans.  What this does is increase the rate of unsafe abortions and it will ensure less access to contraception.  WELL FUCKING DONE!!! 

So fuck it, I am so blessed and blah blah blah but WTF!? 

And this isn't any official like--- diagnosed paranoia or anything but.. I have paranoia/anxiety over some of my family members, some of whom im still dependent on. I say this in a fair amount of honesty about myself because.. those who I kinda talk to more in my snap know that I suck at shutting up and I'm amazing at giving a shit ton of TMI..

Anywho..

But I have a large amount of paranoia/anxiety against at minimum my mother, if not also a couple of other relatives of mine. And this comes from actual events that have occurred that have made me feel this way. I've been this way for about.. 2-3 years now and.. it's really fucking me up tbh.

because I've been trying to get myself together and happy and slowly but surely independent and.. the paranoia/anxiety is just.. my biggest enemy and I don't know how to fight it!

I want to feel comfortable with the idea of going out by myself more, doing more and hanging out with people and not be afraid of my mother finding things out about me that she wouldn't in any way agree with.. and I know that I am an adult but as I said I'm still somewhat dependent so.. I'm kinda stuck and afraid..