#trustingtheuniverse

you’re feeling fearful.. you’re questioning if everything is going to be okay.. you’re freaked out about the future.. you’re unsure if you did enough in the past.. you don’t know if you’re ready or prepared enough.. you feel conflicted and perpetually exhausted from these heavy crashing waves of being overwhelmed and constantly feeling like you need to put the pieces together, build and “figure out” your future..

Well for starters, there is no “out there” event, force or threat that is “out to get you”. The mind may have made it seem so and since the body does not know the difference between a real physical attack/threat and a mental/imaginary one- it has started to react as if your mind’s stories are real and as if you are really under attack, and so in came the feeling of being overwhelmed. But you are not overwhelmed. You are not under attack. You are safe. You are here. You are okay and EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. There are more than enough reasons that everything is going to be okay. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are co-creating with God, the almighty universe, source energy, whatever you want to call it. You are co-creating with a power mightier than you can even begin to fathom in your teeny tiny human mind.

Now, take a moment to breathe. Notice the depth of your canal, notice the gentle flow of your breath, notice the rhythm of your chest, notice the calming peace in this inner world, notice how easy that was.

Now, take a moment to embrace. Embrace the space within you. Embrace the space around you. Embrace the ground beneath your feet. Embrace the feeling of genuine purity in your heart. Embrace this moment, this eternal, infinite, forever-unfolding present moment. This moment is all there is. This is all there will ever be. This is all there ever has been. There is no past in the present, there is no future in present, there is only a vast and grand here and now. 

Now let go. Let go of the need to figure out a future that has not yet happened here, put down the building block pieces, put down the “have to figure it all out” paint brush that the human in you will use relentlessly ‘til your hands bleed. Put it all down. And let go. Let go. 

You are okay. You are here. You can only be here and here is safe. Here is sound. 

Everything is perfect. Everything will end up perfectly. Everything is in a forever, endless quilt of divine perfection.

Feel the goodness of this moment. Feel how juicy and ripe and bursting with love this moment is. Feel it’s tenderness, it’s passion. Feel this present moment’s living promise to carry you through, support you, ground you and lift you up. All is well. All will always be well, right here and now. There is nothing that will ever be able to take this moment away from you, there is nothing that could ever take the freedom and love that this moment is so succulent with. You are full of freedom and love. You are full of purpose, you are full of potential. Allow yourself to recognize this in you and around you. Allow yourself to recognize the beauty of wholeness, the beauty of creation, and the beauty of never ever being alone. You are loved, by many, including a power more powerful than your own self can even come to comprehend. And that power is creating with you, that power has your back, that power is filling in all the “holes” that your human mind seems to see but really in the grand reality of it all- holes that aren’t even anything but imaginary. Your future is put together. Your future has already happened, so intricate, so perfect, so serene. Let go of the stress. Let go of your mental torture to make everything right. Everything is right. Everything will always be right. Everything is okay. Surrender to the process. Surrender to the flow. Surrender your fears, your anxieties, surrender to and in this moment. You are here, not there, not then, not elsewhere but here. Be here, now.

I lost my sense of self worth.

After I left my interview- I was filled an overwhelming, intoxicating, and poisonous wave of anxiety. I couldn’t stop the thoughts during my interview and I was having a hard time stopping them after the interview. “Did he like me? Was I enough? I am good enough to work there? Did I sell myself well enough? Did I say the right things? Did I come off not happy, exuberant or fun enough? What did the manager think? Am I good enough for this job? I shouldn’t have said that. I should have worded that differently. I suck.” Man oh man. The mind can be such a heavy place sometimes. 

When I got home I instantly went on instagram to find some sort of solace from my thoughts. The first thing I saw there was a quote from one of my favorite “daily reminder” instagrams (law.of.attraction1111) and it said a whole handful of lovely things finishing with “release self-doubts and worry and allow yourself to overflow with joy and love”.

YES. RELEASE SELF-DOUBTS. Do it. Release them. Come back to your center of overflowing joy and love.

(Of course that is exactly what I needed to hear because of course the universe is listening and of course it is leading me to exactly where I need to be.)

Too many times us humans get so caught up in our desires we equate our personal self worth to external objects. At this interview- that is exactly what happened and exactly what sent anxiety spiraling through me. I fell out of trust in the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things and fell into desire. I fell hard. I wanted this job, I wanted to work there, I wanted to be no where else but there. In fact, I had given up applying myself to other places because I wanted this job and I said “I’m gonna get it”. So when I went into the interview that day, totally expecting to be hired on the spot, I was unprepared for the man I was interviewing with to throw so many curveballs at me, “Keep applying at other places, don’t shut yourself off from other opportunities, we’re still interviewing other people, we will get back to you once we’ve made a decision”. Man was that a heart dropper/ ego sinker for me.  My thoughts we’re racing trying to think of things to say to sell myself to this man, ways to form a connection, a way to get this man to like me. I WANTED THIS JOB. I wanted it because in my mind this was the only option, that this was the right way, this was the exact job that I NEEDED to bring me to my dreams and drive me down the right path. I had become attached. My attachment wasn’t the problem, the root of it all was that I had lost myself. I lost my sense of self worth, I lost my sight of the bigger picture and I began to fall back into need and needing to control the outcome. I had forgotten who I am and what is really going on here. I am worth all my dreams, I am worth all the things I have been praying for. I am worth it. I do not NEED a specific job to get there- I do not need to control the path I am walking down. All that is required of me is to trust in my worth and know I am being led down the right path. If I didn’t get the job, it wouldn’t be related to my self worth. It would have been because the job wasn’t the right fit. It would simply have been another step taking me to exactly where I want to be. So we humans have to stop being so hard on ourselves. Just because something doesn’t go the way we thought it might- does not mean we are worth any less. It doesn’t mean we are being “punished” for not being “good enough”. It simply means we are one step closer to ending up exactly where we want to be. So the next time you start to be hard on yourself thinking you’re not enough or that you could have been better, stop. STOP. Reevaluate yourself. You are worth everything you’ve ever wanted so KNOW you are being led right to it. Express gratitude for the right step being presented to you and march on knowing the next step will come and the next. Keep yourself open, know your self worth and do not under any circumstances take anything personally when you are not the right fit for something whether that be a job, a man, a new apartment or even a new friend. You are worth everything you’ve asked for.  So stick with it and don’t give up on yourself thinking you are worth anything less than the gold you truly are.

So as many of you know and most of you don’t, I have been on crazy emotional and spiritual roller coaster in the physical plane we call life. I have moved around multiple times, jumped jobs multiple times-whether quitting to go find myself in the foreign exotic country of Thailand or abruptly quitting with no notice because it didn’t feel right or most recently, having been fired from a job that caused me true unhappiness and spiritual poverty and turmoil. Now from the front page I understand all of this sounds a little crazy but if you knew the behind the scenes where I constantly meditate, constantly dream, and consistently plan and idealize ways to bring light, love and joy to not only my life but other peoples’ lives  as well you would understand a little bit more of why things have happened the way they have. I think of myself to be a fairly peaceful, somewhat enlightened, joy and love-oriented person. And to me, I see the world this way too. I see the world, the universe, the god, the one energy that moves through us all as loving, giving, and above of all- one of the best listeners I have ever had the chance to connect with. Have you ever had a thought of something and immediately that something shows up? I mean like that time you thought of an old friend you haven’t spoken with in a while and then they magically send you a text the next day? Or like when you have a moment fantasizing about chocolate and peanut butter and in the next hour someone offers you a peanut butter cup? That to me is that universe/god energy. It is the energy that is always there and is always listening and always answering and always giving.

So for you to understand where I am going with this I need to backtrack a bit. Starting with my most recent job which I will leave unnamed (just because I had a “bad” experience there does not in any shape or form mean it is a bad place). This was a place I had worked before and had come back to- hoping it would be different, hoping I would be different. However that wasn’t the case, I really truly gave it my all- I tried to vibrate out of it, I tried to change my perspective on it but I for some reason really just could not appreciate my time there. I always felt as if I was underappreciated, as if I was out of place, as if I just really was not meant to be there or even wanted there. So things there started to get rough. I would spend all my time outside of work dreading the time I would go into work. I tried everything I possibly could to get myself even relatively grounded, balanced, energetic, happy and positive to go into these shifts. Every shift I never failed to show up unhappy, unfulfilled, ridden with anxiety and forcing a smile. I constantly had an inner struggle of putting myself down for still being there and then trying to pull myself back up to be “normal” and do the “right thing” and to just be happy. But I just couldn’t shake it. Every week I would break down crying, swearing to quit, swearing not to go back in, swearing to find another job (and constantly looking for another job) but never following it through. Then it actually began to show in my work- I had one thing happen after another and another. And then on my last night, I was sent home early. 

I went to my therapist the next day to talk about the frustration and the hard time I had been having at work. I went to her to talk about the meeting I had been called in to have with my manager later that day, where in the pit of my stomach I knew I was either quitting or I was getting fired. After talking through the moments that I had guests complain about- I came to realize that underneath all of the trials and hard times I had had at work- I had a foundational feeling of not feeling enough, not being enough, and doubting my own self value. 

My eyes were opened. I understood and saw myself and my actions as a case self-insecurity, self-doubt and true confusion and loss in the real value of who I am. I had created an entire story based around my character at work. I went into every shift feeling like I was not enough and that therefore created more of that story in my mind, highlighted and twisted things said or things done at work into this story to amplify and solidify it and on top of that, it also attracted people treating me that way. Once I realized this that day with my therapist- my entire perspective on my experience at this workplace shifted. I realized I had created my own mental prison. I trapped myself in, no one else did it to me but me. I understood the lesson. I understood and I grew. Finally the golden cuffs had been broken, the dark cloud had turned into sunshine and I had become liberated from a false story I had created to become true. And the moment this all shifted for me, was the moment I felt myself elevate out of it. It seemed the lesson I needed to go there to learn was finally learned and I could be free from the pain I had created.

So, I was fired. My manager brought me in that day to let me go and the universe led me to that day to allow ME to let go and grow. So yes, some may see this as a wicked punishment, but I see it as the blessing I had been asking for.  The universe was listening and it gave me my answer. At this moment, I understood, at this moment everything became clear and the agonizing grip on my heart, my mind and my soul was released and I was free to move on. 

I am free. I am liberated. I have been asking the universe so long to send me a sign, to send me a way to a new job, or show me the path to get somewhere else other than where I was and because I never had quite enough courage to quit, the universe/god did it for me. And now I have the space for something bigger and better to grow in my life- the space I have been asking for. Now the question is, what will I do with it?

I’m ready to find a job I feel gives to the world. I am ready to find a job I feel joy and love in. I’m ready to find a job that not only fulfills me but helps me give to others in a bigger way than just serving out cheeseburgers and beers. I am truly ready to radically change my life and I am ready to hold out for something bigger and better than I have ever had. So as I go on, applying for jobs I have little to no experience in because I am shifting away from what I’ve known my whole life- I hold on. I hold onto faith, I hold onto my trust in the grander schemes of life and I hold onto the deep understanding that this is just the start of the many blessings to come.