#flowoftheuniverse

I lost my sense of self worth.

After I left my interview- I was filled an overwhelming, intoxicating, and poisonous wave of anxiety. I couldn’t stop the thoughts during my interview and I was having a hard time stopping them after the interview. “Did he like me? Was I enough? I am good enough to work there? Did I sell myself well enough? Did I say the right things? Did I come off not happy, exuberant or fun enough? What did the manager think? Am I good enough for this job? I shouldn’t have said that. I should have worded that differently. I suck.” Man oh man. The mind can be such a heavy place sometimes. 

When I got home I instantly went on instagram to find some sort of solace from my thoughts. The first thing I saw there was a quote from one of my favorite “daily reminder” instagrams (law.of.attraction1111) and it said a whole handful of lovely things finishing with “release self-doubts and worry and allow yourself to overflow with joy and love”.

YES. RELEASE SELF-DOUBTS. Do it. Release them. Come back to your center of overflowing joy and love.

(Of course that is exactly what I needed to hear because of course the universe is listening and of course it is leading me to exactly where I need to be.)

Too many times us humans get so caught up in our desires we equate our personal self worth to external objects. At this interview- that is exactly what happened and exactly what sent anxiety spiraling through me. I fell out of trust in the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things and fell into desire. I fell hard. I wanted this job, I wanted to work there, I wanted to be no where else but there. In fact, I had given up applying myself to other places because I wanted this job and I said “I’m gonna get it”. So when I went into the interview that day, totally expecting to be hired on the spot, I was unprepared for the man I was interviewing with to throw so many curveballs at me, “Keep applying at other places, don’t shut yourself off from other opportunities, we’re still interviewing other people, we will get back to you once we’ve made a decision”. Man was that a heart dropper/ ego sinker for me.  My thoughts we’re racing trying to think of things to say to sell myself to this man, ways to form a connection, a way to get this man to like me. I WANTED THIS JOB. I wanted it because in my mind this was the only option, that this was the right way, this was the exact job that I NEEDED to bring me to my dreams and drive me down the right path. I had become attached. My attachment wasn’t the problem, the root of it all was that I had lost myself. I lost my sense of self worth, I lost my sight of the bigger picture and I began to fall back into need and needing to control the outcome. I had forgotten who I am and what is really going on here. I am worth all my dreams, I am worth all the things I have been praying for. I am worth it. I do not NEED a specific job to get there- I do not need to control the path I am walking down. All that is required of me is to trust in my worth and know I am being led down the right path. If I didn’t get the job, it wouldn’t be related to my self worth. It would have been because the job wasn’t the right fit. It would simply have been another step taking me to exactly where I want to be. So we humans have to stop being so hard on ourselves. Just because something doesn’t go the way we thought it might- does not mean we are worth any less. It doesn’t mean we are being “punished” for not being “good enough”. It simply means we are one step closer to ending up exactly where we want to be. So the next time you start to be hard on yourself thinking you’re not enough or that you could have been better, stop. STOP. Reevaluate yourself. You are worth everything you’ve ever wanted so KNOW you are being led right to it. Express gratitude for the right step being presented to you and march on knowing the next step will come and the next. Keep yourself open, know your self worth and do not under any circumstances take anything personally when you are not the right fit for something whether that be a job, a man, a new apartment or even a new friend. You are worth everything you’ve asked for.  So stick with it and don’t give up on yourself thinking you are worth anything less than the gold you truly are.

One of my favorite quantum mechanical phenomena has to do with the double-slit experiment. If you haven’t heard of it, it is definitely worth your time looking into because that is some real sh*t. The basic summary of it is that it was an experiment performed all the way back in 1803 testing the number of possibilities and outcomes there are when there is an observer versus when there is no observer (or otherwise, no EXPECTED outcome) on the experiment. Now when there was an observer of the experiment, there were was only one possible outcome for the experiment. However, when the observer pulled away from the experiment and there was absolutely no expectation on the outcome- there became infinite possibilities and countless outcomes versus the single observed outcome.

What does this have to do with reality? 

Everything.

The human mind’s perspective is SO limited. We, as humans, plan out our lives- we commit to a step by step process and we say this is the way or the highway. We limit ourselves far too often to a vision and “our” way to get there. But what if you just let go? What if you tried just for once to allow the current to take you and for you to see where you end up? What if the universe/god/source energy knows exactly what we want and knows exactly how to get us there? What if all we have to do to get to where we think we want to be is let go of our ideas and everyone else’s success story and allow the current to take us? What if all we have to do is follow the impulses, trust that there is a bigger, wiser hand guiding us to exactly where we want to be?

Recently, I’ve approached my life in this way. After being let go from my job and shifting into the mindset that it was a blessing and not a punishment- so many wonderful opportunities and potentialities have flowed into my direction. There was one job, and then a second job and a third. Each job that has come to me has felt right, each job that has come into my existence seems to have some sort of relation or connection to a path that can take me to where I want to go. And each time I’ve been presented with a new job, instead of allowing myself to get overly attached to the idea of this new job and immediately planning my entire life around it- I’ve thanked the opportunity and asked “what’s next? what can possibly be shown to me that may even be better? what else is there?” with the absolute knowing that I am being carried to the right place down the right path to get to exactly where I want to be. And guess what? Each job opportunity presented to me seems to keep getting bigger and better. So I think the trick here is to trust. Trust and allow and feel that you deserve the best. Know that you deserve the best because you are a perfect creation of god and you have done nothing and can do nothing to deserve any less. You are the divinity that flows through a perfect universe. And you know what else? This universe is giving, it is blessing and it is loving. So trust that you will end up where you want to, trust that this is all part of the path and allow yourself to stay open to ALL of the possibilities because it can and will only get better from here. And because I know that down to the blood in my veins and the beat in my heart, I am thrilled to see where this roller coaster takes me.