If you’re checking that third box today - I'm sending you emergency hugs.

Im split in 2, spiritual & clinical. Its hard to choose. But Its also hard to see them as inseperable. I (and everyone) were raised to categorize, to systematize. so its hard when both mystery and fact are in the same room, in the same head, informing reason. How do I do this, how do I Trust the mystery that is ultimately my own. I thought some today, about existentialism, and how maybe my ultimate truth is that there is none, and that I (we) make up our own. And I did not quite like this, Because there is more security in knowing (at least for myself), that there is an ultimate, all encompassing, resounding truth. I am conflicted many times during the day. Who I was last year is different to who I am this year (it seems) because in each season, life demands something different of me. I am a weld of responsibilities. Does that sound depressing? It kind of sounds depressing. Its like sad and colourless and bleak. Survival, ah survival. Work, make money, pay rent. SOme-how some-day become financially independant (i don't have the self-belief to say financially free). To be honest, i oscillate between "whats the fucking point", and, "this is the the whole point" and I think, I can't bare to not try? I had these expereinces as a teenager that whiplashed me into loving life. I saw colour like it was a gift from God. I ran away into a kalaeidscope of light. It "healed" me, whatever that means. Sorry. Healing is a means to an end. The catch is, it doesn't ever end. The layers like scales peel open to reveal something else. A new wound, a new achievement. Anyway. My subconscious mind bangs me up daily, asking for a story to latch onto. Its doing my head in. I can't just be. Apparently I have to think up an ideal version of me and latch onto to her and then project her into real life. What do you call this? Manifestation? Because its pretty annoying to have to always be a future version of myself. How about I be stupid and amateur and small right now,, and be cool with it, instead of pretending to know what im doing, knowing deep down inside i dont know what im doing, and forcing myself to catch up and align with this idealist that lives in me. what do you call this? never present? never satisified? perfectionism? survival? I think survival is mostly correct. If I don't "be" someone how will I pay rent? So bleak I know. I got nothing optimistic to offer. Im just trynna get through. Did I mention I feel isolated? Love this digital capitalistic era. At the same time, I feel its my mission to become this great person that helps people with health. That I am a soul reincarnated, that I "chose" these lessons. I don't know where these theories come from originally, but its spiritual rhetoric in a coping mechanism suit. How do I know? I don't...but thats what I use it for. To get by happy and optimsitic rather than sad and full of angst. It works a lot of the time. But right now, i just can't help but be completely over it.

Knight's tale

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