#trueplanet

Broken

I’m okay, I really am. I’m fine. Everything is going to be alright. 

These are words I say to myself everyday. Correction: lies I say to myself. I know I should be better. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way, every minute of every day, wallowing in self-pity, self-hatred, and a general sense of disdain for myself and the world around me. I want to be that girl that can make eye contact with people, and allow my smile to reach my eyes. But I can’t, and it doesn’t, and there isn’t a damn thing I could do about it. 

I’m broken. It’s a fact of my existence that I’ve learned to accept, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hate it. No one broke me; I’m not upset over some guy, or some girl, or the betrayal of a friend, or the abandonment of a parent.

No. 

I was born this way. Feeling like an empty shell that should be filled with so much more. There should be so much more. And there isn’t. 

I’m hollow, and if I let people see that I’m broken, they will see inside this shattered shell of an existence that I hate so much, and know what is inside me.

Or rather, what isn’t. 

Hallucinogenic 

I’ve never been on LSD, but looking at her, I wonder if this is what it feels like.

Her beauty is so surreal, and I don’t understand how every time I see her, she lights up the whole room around her, causing me to actually feel as though I’m on some sort of hallucinogenic. 

I imagine what my life could be if it were with her. It would be filled with love, and happiness, because her smile was one of those smiles that flowed through her entire body, and into everyone’s around her. 

And when she isn’t smiling, all I want to do is go up to her and make her laugh. Tell her a stupid joke. Come up with a dumb pick-up line. Anything to bring that smile back, even for a moment. She’s just so genuine, and so fun, and so exquisitely human. She’s everything I want to be, and more. 

I’ve never been on LSD, but looking at her, I wonder if this is what it feels like.