#troublesabroad

Since the middle of March I've heard quite an assortment of good news. I will been staying for year two, two of my favorite people here will be staying for another dose and I have a summer job to pull me through the hard time of July -October. 

The only sick, sad, and desperate hang-up I have; aside from the reality of being a passport holder of the USA, is a total lack of confidence. I came here with a million reasons to go back to Chicago-I'm very glad I now have very few. I came believing I was going to do so much in one 9 month period-I'm very happy I have so much more to do. 

Now, knowing that I have so little grasp of What I want and Who i am these days, the few things I cling to; vanity, charisma, wine, random talents. They no longer work. They no longer DO the work they once did to make me feel confident and cultured and comfortable in a strange environment. 

I have to cling to a very restricted vocabulary, or avoid political subjects, my age, my nationality, my lack-of-planningness, avoid telling people my  sexual orientation and I how i feel about being a queer individual in a world that doesn't know what that means. Avoid making remarking to someone's belief that the USA is a great country, choose to be quiet when the idea the our economic standing means the general population is respresented well and there is no internal conflict. But no one wants to talk about these things.  

And its a lack of having one or two or twenty people that I can call and say; "hi, how are you," and waste 5 minutes on the phone with because all those people I thought I had, I don't know much about anymore but I know that's not a conversation they want to have.  To reel it all back in; I am deeply happy that I have been missing so many things and people and moments here and in other (Chicago/IL) places. I have learned more from my time without the important people and experiences because it forces a deeper look inside and into what makes my old life different than now. So, though the vague sense of loneliness can create a desire for companionship or conversation, I don't know a soul that'd come out of the whole process more aware and ready than I. 

And honestly, I'm just proud that I'm good at knowing the fucking difference.