#trinthoughts

it’s heavy. heavier than it’s been. maybe i’m just really good at playing pretend. i’m trying to take another step forward, but my feet are sticking to the ground and i’m screaming at the sky. my skin is on fire, my insides are raging. the smell of smoke and my burning flesh fill the air in my lungs, extinguishing the trapped scent of him. im clawing at the earth before i am nothing more. ashes to ashes. dust to dust. how i dream of what comes next. the woman that rises out of this destruction, this ache in my chest. how i dream of her feathers, her song. i dream of her strength.

feeling small and insignificant!

the universe told me it was all going to be okay (i saw a rainbow)

today marks two years no contact with my mom. it’s a strange feeling. some days i don’t think twice about it, other mornings i wake up and i can’t help but cry for her. for us. i used to imagine a life where i wouldn’t feel confined by her expectations, her judgement, her “love.” and here i am! two years later. it feels like so much longer. i find forgiveness all the time, moments and mistakes of my own that humanize some of the memories of her. forgiveness and accountability can coexist, right? i love her, but i love me more. i’ve found growth i didn’t know i was holding back. peace i didn’t realize i was missing. guilt and shame and hurt i didn’t know i was holding onto. i lost part of myself, but found so much more? i don’t know what the future holds. i so badly want her to just. be better. do better. i imagine a life where she does the work and we can find. create. a meaningful, safe connection. i prepare for one where she doesn’t, where this is the rest of it.

feeling very they see right through me they see right through me they see right through me can you see right through me? they see right through they see right through me i see right through me i see right through me. all the kings horses, all the kings men couldn’t put me together again. ‘cause all of my enemies started out friends help me hold onto you. i’ve been the archer, i’ve been the prey. who could ever leave me, darling? but who could stay? who could stay who could stay who could stay this evening

it is too early to be crying over my mother

i just! want to drift off into the wind! lay in the dirt and return to the earth!!!

sitting here on my porch after a fresh wake & bake, enjoying a cool breeze, watching all the birds. how lucky are we to be alive! how lucky are we to experience all of this!