#trigger warning: everything

Just watch the House of Hammer documentary on HBO Max.

When random strangers on the internet are very furiously cheerfully complimenting you without even knowing you, saying things like HELLO FRIENDS! this is completely normal! and you are a fantastic beautiful person, shine on!!! friendly reminder that you are so special and unique!

I get what they are doing, i really do get it, but it is so fake, it kinda disturbs me. It’s in good intention but it’s not believable because they are strangers responding to or making viral posts.

It’s like tumblr is a permanent suicide prevention group, coming off as very desperate to make sure nobody is feeling depressed, to the point of babying people, coddling them in pillows and making dumbed down talk to them like they are slow babies.

It’s slightly disturbing to me, i don’t know. I just imagine some kind of machine turning their automatic motivational speech on and throwing confetti. If at least they talked to people like responsible adults, not actual childen.

it sounds weird but i still keep tabs on emma and salone just to see what they’re up to. it sounds even worse (and maybe i’m a terrible person for this) but i like to make sure that they’re still having problems in their lives with their families and all that so i know i’m better off and happier than they are. 

it sounds so bitter and mean when i say that but it’s true. i like knowing that emma is sad or salone is depressed because then it’s like karma giving them a punch in the throat for all the shit they pulled over the past year and a half.

salone pretended to be a dude. a tall, blonde, attractive dude. but she was so emotional all the time and now that i look back at it, it totally makes sense that she was really a female. after all, when you’re on the internet and it seems too good to be true, it definitely is. 

the thing is that she at first thought she was a male trapped in a female body, but then she came out as cis like “just kidding, i’m just a masculine female”. like, what??? 

that’s fine, sexuality is fluid and people are allowed to change their minds--what i’m not okay with is salone lying about who she was because she knew that i was heterosexual and only attracted to cis males. she knew she wouldn’t have gotten me if she hadn’t lied about who she was, and that i think is the worst part of it all. 

and anyway, sexuality aside, she treated me like shit, anyway. always putting me down and making me feel bad for what i liked and always trying to make me like the things that she liked, even if i aggressively disliked them. i remember specifically at the time i wanted to dye my hair and she told me i should dye it indigo so i asked my hair stylist if i could dye it indigo but she didn’t have the right color for me. i thank the sweet lord for looking out for me on that day because otherwise i would have had a blue head of hair, which i would never really even want in the first place, if not for “will” telling me that she thought i’d look good with it. 

i was never happy in that joke of a relationship. she’s apologized a few different times but no apology will get back any of the time i wasted on “him”. apologies don’t really mean shit to me. especially when the one at fault (salone) continues to bully me online anonymously (and it’s totally obvious it’s her, because nobody else really has a reason to have beef with me). her and emma, they’re both real pieces of trash, in my humble opinion.

i absolutely LOVE the fact that salone used to always say she didn’t like emma because “william doesn’t do thick crust”. implying that she was fat. (which she is, but anyway.)

i love it that they’re now dating even though a year ago salone was totally disgusted by emma’s size. or at least ashamed to admit to me that he liked her, because of the fact that emma was heavy and unattractive. 

now she doesn’t seem to have a problem with showing her love for emma to the public. but i like to believe that’s because emma was the one who stood by her even when she came out as trans, and then a cis female. and loved her anyway. it’s beautifully pathetic.

salone definitely knew that because i was a heterosexual female very set in my ways, i would never have romantic feelings for her if she came out with the truth. perhaps that is why she reverted to emma after she had first chosen me and i turned her down because i was sick of the way she treated me.

i think the real reason that salone and emma are together is because they sorta felt like they had to commit to prove a point to everyone else. back when salone was “trans”, emma used to talk about it constantly, almost as if she was fetishizing the fact. emma wants to be unique so badly, and the fact is that she’s a basic white girl who probably didn’t want salone after she found out that she had been lied to, but she didn’t have the balls to say so. after all, if you tell someone you aren’t attracted to them anymore because they’re not the gender that you thought they were, you’re the asshole. even if the “victim” was the one who lied to begin with. 

and i mean, hey. it’s hard to be trans, i am certain. there’s a reason that the suicide rate is so high--because there are, in fact, many shitty people in this world who will not accept or respect someone simply because they are transgender.

let me make this clear to you all: the fact that salone thought she was transgender, i have no problem with. what i have a problem with was the fact that she always treated me like crap, then when she “apologized” she played the victim card and blamed her family and basically everything else for the way she acted when we were together. and worst of all (i just find it somehow offensive): she would rather lie to me about her gender than tell me the truth. it’s sad that it had to come to that, and part of it is the fact that our culture is so hesitant to accept trans people. but part of it, i am convinced, is also the fact that salone is manipulative and moody and was willing to lie to get what she wanted, and that was me--a straight girl who would probably not want to get romantically involved with a trans person or another girl. 

so back to her and emma--my opinion? emma’s an attention-seeker. salone is manipulative because her mommy and daddy don’t accept her, so she has to resort to evil tactics to get back the love that she lacks from her family and other oppressive peers. emma is just emma. she’s started this whole “i’m gay” campaign where she pretends that she was never attracted to a cis male to try and convince others that her and salone’s relationship is real and not forced. guess what??? it’s definitely forced. emma loved boys before salone. she was obsessed with this one guy named koa for a long time, and it seemed like she really loved him and wanted to be with him always, but he screwed her over, and she was upset about it for a long time. so she definitely liked boys in the past. she’s pretending that that part of her life didn’t exist and now when people ask about her sexuality, she’ll always call herself “gay”. usually with the ironic creepy :-) face. (i actually hate that people have started using that again because it really does look creepy to me, idk about anyone else). i find it interesting that she never calls herself a lesbian, but always “gay” instead, almost as if the term “gay” makes her gayer than if she used the term “lesbian”. i don’t know. a weird quirk i can’t actually understand, so i’ll leave it be. 

anyway, so my theory is this: salone approached emma first, the same way she did with me: she pretended to be a teenage boy named will. and of course, because she is actually a girl, she had all the same interests as emma. what a coincidence! so they bonded. and he revealed himself to her and they had a fling (keep in mind this was at the same time salone was playing me, and pretending that i was the only one she “loved”). all of this is solid fact. however, the rest of the story is theory: salone thought i would be more likely to stick by her because i am such a pushover and i dealt with her crap for such a long time. but when i finally had it, and i was done, she chose emma, because she thought if not one, why not try another? and bingo! emma took her back, even though emma promised me months earlier that she wouldn’t have anything to do with her ever again. oh emma, so naive. at this point, she still thought will was a boy. skip forward a few months and they become official. i guess at some point later on, salone finally had the guts to face emma and reveal what she really looked like, but explained that ALTHOUGH!!! she looked different, she was still, in fact, a guy. just a TRANS guy. so still a guy. and although emma may have felt weird at that point, she wouldn’t have said anything because she is spineless and she would never want to reject salone because she’s trans, because that would just be a shitty thing to do, right? and besides, like i said before--emma LOVES attention. so if she could come out on her semi-famous blog about how she’s dating a trans man, she would get so much of the spotlight!! everyone would congratulate her on being such an amazing person and accepting her boyfriend *in spite of* his lack of male genitals. which is important to some people, admittedly--but not others. skip forward a lot until very recently, when salone decides that no, she is not a trans male, but rather just a very masculine female. emma, of course, is still not going to leave because doing so would be shitty and she would never want people to know she’s the crappy person that she really is. and of course she uses salone’s sexuality, once again, as a tool to build herself up and look like this big hero for “loving” someone in spite of the unconventional nature of the relationship. and lastly, emma comes out as “gay” and makes it clear that she “came out” before salone told her she was cis, because she didn’t want to make it seem like she only came out because salone is her only exception to the “dating boys” rule.  she wanted to make it seem more legit, so she came up with crap like “i had a girl crush once in 7th grade” and “i’ve never been sexually attracted to a cis male”, because god knows her sexuality isn’t valid without all these little pieces of evidence!!!

so there it is for you, my theory. it makes a lot of sense, i think. and sure, some of it is bitter backlash because i still very much despise both of them as people. but at least 95% of it is true, and pretty much all of my theory stems from evidence i have gathered and from knowledge i gained from talking to both of them in the past. 

is this an attack? i don’t believe so. not when it’s not really being sent to anyone. if anything, i’m trying to make sense of my feelings and let out the anger that i somehow STILL have not managed to release. funny how that works. 

anyway, enough of all this. i hate emma and i hate will/salone/whatever he or she is going by this week. fuck them both. i hope they crash and burn and their families kick them out because quite frankly, that’s karma. that’s what they deserve for making my life a living hell for such a long period of time. 

P.S.

did i mention that salone once sent me a dick pic?