04/19/2019 10:39
The problem is you left me alone for too long. Which was good for me, but bad for you. & Also bad for me. I want this, but I don't think i do. You didn't do anything wrong but this feels wrong, this feels bad. At 5 am, when i tried to fall asleep in your arms that no longer are anything like my favorite place in the world, I've wanted to cry. You didn't do anything I didn't like. I just don't think I love you anymore, not like i did anyway. Or maybe just not at all. It's hard to sort it out. I don't even want to be writing this much. It isn't real, it isn't real. But I'd do it again, wouldn't I? At least another time or two, it's not even data enough it's at least three samples....three samples.
I'm sitting on my car because I don't want to go into my house. I don't want to see Month & have her ask, I don't want to tell her how I feel about this. She's going to think it was a bad idea. Or say I shouldn't do it again. People don't get help until they want it, though, & I'm still not ready to give you up entirely. I don't love you. I don't. But you're a toy I wanted, a toy I pictured having, & I don't like to be told no.
I feel like I want someone to talk to so badly, but I don't. I don't really want anyone to understand, I dont want anyone to know. I feel used, & I wasn't, I don't feel used from my encounter this morning, but another time. I'm pretty sure of that, anyway, the feelings don't feel towards him or the acts, it feels like a distant memory that was brought back.
I'm hungry. That's important to address. I guess I can do that. But my body feels so empty. I just feel like a vessel. & Vaguely crying. I have dishes I can do. I have things I can do.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Okay
Okayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokay.
