#trigger management

- Mother’s Day was a mixed bag: I didn’t see mine and she was at the beach with my father (so I was spared some anxiety) and we went to my wife’s sister’s place, saw their mother, and played with the kids. It went well, then this happened:

- I flipped out on my sister-in-laws boyfriend for waiting to make a spectacle of and laughing stock of the extremely mentally ill. I asked him to stop playing a viral video and making fun of the woman in it who’d been arrested for stalking (maybe you’ve seen it), over and over. He kept belittling the woman to my mother-in-law and anyone around to listen (I was right next to them.) As calmly as I could, I asked him to stop playing that in front of me, that people that ill need help not to be laughed at. He refused and told me to mind my business and kept on going. I asked again, and he refused again. So, I cursed at him and I threatened him physically (and it wasn’t an empty one)....with the kids in the room. He’s a piece of shit, but I crossed a line. I went from “please stop that” to “I’m gonna smash your phone and break your fingers” in about 10 seconds when he verbally pushed back. Whatever it was that exactly triggered me, I became extreme irrational almost instantly. I did good on for a few moments...maybe it was the push back he gave?

- Several people I love have schizophrenia. They are people, first and foremost. A young man in my religious community (but not in the OTO) has gotten worse, been living on the street, and spouting crazy things and doing thing at people. He’s been violent with his family in recent months when they took him back in. He got arrested then released recently. I’ve been trying to help his stepdad find him and get him help.

The body master and I made the decision to let people know in the greater Atlanta magick community. We had gotten multiple reports that his behaviors were escalating. So we announced over social media that he’s potentially dangerous, and warned people about him and gave a physical description.

This is a great example of my poor trigger management….: )

I’ve not been sleeping well at night lately (which is a problem in and of itself)…and this morning I gave my cable boxes back to my landlord, so no television…I had already done some painting, read the news, blogs, eaten, flossed, played with Samson, photigraphed my paintings, eaten again, and painted my nails…so at around 3 am I, VERY stupidly, looked up all my ex’s on FB. What a nightmare. I saw the women they married right after me…the woman one ex met while dating me - they are now married and have a dog. And a house.

I’m smart enough by now, and have enough lived experience, to know looking up ex’s will never, ever, ever end well or bring any comfort to me. But I kept looking. And digging. And looking. And digging. What I would call 'emotional self-injury'. And now, I just feel awful. Awwwwwful.

I have been really good (super good, really) at minimizing triggers over the last handful of months…so good, in fact, that I have significantly decreased them to the point where I really only have one or two to be mindful of. Four actually, well, five actually : ) But tonight was bad…and now my brain is spinning.

It’s really hard not to compare. Of course, years have gone by, we are all older…but I am so different than they seem to be - physically and personality wise. They are so different from me. My ex’s are doing things they only talked about doing during the time we were together. One ex has the same type of puppy we talked about getting one day. Another ex took a four country trip after our break-up…when we were together he wouldn’t even go away for the weekend. Or spend any money for that matter. He has a house now (probably because he never spent any money) : ) The list goes on.

So…if you have any inclination, even the slightest feeling, that doing something, seeing someone, talking to someone - or that reading their Facebook entries - is going to bring *unnecessary* (keyword here) angst…just say no! (This is also a great example of where DBT - dialectical behaviorial therapy - skills would work wonders. At the computer looking at your ex’s profiles? Practice distraction by getting up and cleaning or drawing or jogging in place.) We, obviously, can’t insulate ourselves from every triggering thing…but we can definetly not engage if we know ‘that thing’ simply won’t do us any good, if we know it won’t bring anything positive into our lives.