Hand holding 18 for Akari and Seven pls <3
Thank you!! 𧑠Whoops lot of angst set ambiguously far into the tour or possibly post tour
Tw for references to self harm
Pacing. Pacing. Pacing. It was all Akari forced her frantic mind to focus on. Obsessive circles around the room as fast as she could without making enough noise to disturb Seven in bed. Left foot in front of the right, pivot, dont lose balance and bump into the tv stand or dresser. Do another lap. Again. Again.
She wanted a drink.
More then anything she wanted a drink. To feel the familiar burn and wait for every shitty feeling to fade away into a haze of warm numbness. Make this all stop and go away. Its would fix her, this time it would surely fix her.
If it didn't there was always other methods that could. Even from its place haphazardly thrown over a chair in the corner, she could feel the burning presence of her lighter in her jacket pocket. Arms itching for pressure. Pain. Distraction.
But she'd promised. Swore to Seven that first night they reconciled that she'd do better. Try to stop. And she had meant it, every word, she just didn't realize that it would never really go away. Once she was doing better that was it, right? And she'd been doing great! Better then she'd been in years and yet here she was, wearing a hole in the carpet, fighting against every urge she'd ever had.
Nightmares weren't really new. But being back together with, and sleeping in the same bed as Seven again was. Akari's best guess is that combination is what scared her more. Still too new. Too fragile. Too risky. She didn't want to fuck everything up again.
Another lap. Maybe she'll calm down this time.
Maybe the problem was the nightmare was about Seven? Twisted perceptions and worst fears come reality. Cruel and unusual punishments from her brain. She'd woken up in a cold sweat, tears running down her cheeks and lungs heaving to get her to remember how to breathe. She'd shot out of bed, wavered on what to do and where to go in her initial panic, finally turning to walking the floor because if she left the room she knew she'd go to a bar.
Her stomach rolled, too many circles had finally been achieved. She had to stop. Couldn't go back to bed yet. Still too keyed up. Akari raked her hands through her hair, pulling until it hurt. Why had nobody told her it would be this fucking hard?
Continuing pacing wasn't the move, she swayed on her feet amidst rolls of nausea, continuing anyways because what else could she do? On her next loop by the bedside table she snatched up her water bottle, disappointed and anguished to find it empty. Fuck.
Going back to bed wasn't an option, which left her with two choices. Keep pacing until she got sick for real, or bite the bullet and leave the bedroom to get something to drink and calm her insides back down.
Akari finally came to a jagged halt, swaying on her feet and taking a step back to steady herself. The door was in front of her. It was fine. All she had to do was open it, go to the fridge, and grab a bottle of water. Easy. It should be easy. Why couldn't this be easy?
As soon as her hand wrapped around the handle she jerked it back like it was burning. She couldn't do this. It was stupid. It was a door for fucks sake. It opened up to the little sitting and kitchen area. That's it. Not the outside, not a bar, not a booze store, just the damn kitchen. That's it. Inside, private, vice-free. If she wanted to blow up her life it would be a conscious decision and she actively did not want to do that so there shouldn't be an issue.
Akari stood in front of the door for what felt like an hour before the idea hit her. If she was scared of ehat she'd do once over the threshold, she'd just make it impossible to do it.
With a little more struggle then she'd care to admit, she pulled her shirt up and over her head, leaving her upper body exposed to the slight chill of the night, throwing her shirt into the far corner of the room. There. She'd never go out like this, so problem solved. The additional extra steps should be enough to keep her here and sober and fine.
And people say she's stupid. Fucking genius is what this is.
Newfound confidence took her out the door and to the fridge, flinging it open only to immediately wince at the sudden motion and light piercing the darkness of the room and her vision.
"Gah! Mother fuckin' hell."
The room went sideways, she took another step back, digging her palms into her eyes in a desperate attempt to make it stop. Staggering further back into the room until her foot caught the carpet, sending her toppling down towards the floor, crash landing on her back.
"Fuck!"
Great. She couldn't see, couldn't breathe, and her previous disposition had yet dissipated. If anything, she wanted that drink more now.
"Akari...?"
Oh fuck her, and now she'd woken Seven up with all her fumbling around. Maybe if she didn't say anything Seven would go back to bed. Laying on the floor in the dark is hardly the worst way she'd spent a night. Sounded kinda nice actually, she hadn't had a floor nap in a hot minute. Not a sober normal one anyway.
"You good out here?"
Just ignore her. It isn't ignoring if its for her own good. Seven doesn't deserve more of her shit, not when they've been working on finding their balance again. Akari had already put her through so much. Over and over again. This is one thing she didn't want to fuck up again.
Sober. Focus on the word. That's what she is right now. Sober and intact and not inflicting anything on herself. Behaving. Still shaken. Still scared Seven will find her on the floor behind the couch.
But sober and uninjured.
"I know you're out here I heard the banging, is everythingβ" Seven's rising panicked questions cut off at the same time Akari bites down on her tongue as something strikes her shoulder. "Akari?"
Fuck. Caught.
"Hey there," Akari cracked a grin at the Seven shaped silhouette leaning over her, when she couldn't make out a smile in return, her face softened. "Didn't mean to wake you, sorry bout that. I'm fine Sev, go back to bed."
"Its three in the morning and you're on the floor." The deadpan remark stung more then it ought to, Akari could basically feel Seven's eyes narrowing in on her.
She had to tell her something. Majority truth rules. She'd never lied to Seven and she wasn't about to start. "Look, I had a bad dream and needed some space. It's nothing."
The Seven shape shifted, gesturing towards the couch that loomed over Akari from the other side. "And you're on the floor because?"
"You've had floor naps before and we both know it," Akari crossed her arms, "don't pretend you're all high and mighty with the big, soft double bed. This hits different." She would've ended up here anyways even if she didn't fall. Less worry for Seven this way. "A bed that you should be getting back to."
"I'd like it better if you joined me again," if it wasn't for how deadly quiet the room was, Akari probably wouldn't have heard her. Soft and spoken with such uncertainty that it make Akari hurt all over.
And it made this hurt worse, "I don't think that's a good idea. And you know I don't want to say that but...but I think it's the better call right now."
"Can I sit?"
It came so abrupt that Akari had to lay there and process the request. "Course," was all she could get out. Insides all light and jittery. Things were better, so much better, but still weird sometimes and she supposed this was one of them.
As she lowered herself down, Seven came into a little better focus. Gently lit up by the ambient city lights from the window, sitting at Akari's head and leaning down into her line of sight. Her hair was a mess, she was chewing on her lower lip. "It was about me, wasn't it?"
"I never said that." What was she supposed to say? Yes? That she was, is, occasionally haunted and tormented by her subconscious with images of Seven yelling at her, hating her, casting her aside and replacing her and a whole onslaught of other horrible bullshit? That she wakes up scared and crying and in a cold sweat with the most intense ick and self hatred she's ever felt? That's a horrible fucking idea, even she knew that.
Seven ducked her head, too-long strands of hair falling over her eyes, "you didn't have to." There was a pause, Akari could hear the deepening of Seven's breaths, not uneven, but heavy. "What was it about?"
"Sev, that's notβ"
"I won't break you know. Don't coddle me, I don't want that." Seven's tone was sharp enough that Akari had to tell herself Seven wasn't mad at her. Shake off the lingering nightmare and try to be more present. She was fine. Seven didn't hate her again all the sudden.
"I love you," it was her favourite thing to say when her and Seven started dating the first time, she could never do it enough, and the second time didn't lessen that a bit. And maybe she needed to hear it back to calm down. Maybe.
Seven leaned forward, reaching out of prying Akari's arms off their place folded over her chest. "I love you too," her hands slid down Akari's forearms, over tattoos and healed scars alike, "I love you and I promise I won't let this be a repeat of last time." Her hands finally reached Akari's own, intertwining their fingers together, bringing one up so she could kiss along Akari's knuckles. "I meant it. That I'm gonna fix those parts of me, I want this," she mirrored the action on Akari's other hand, "us to work."
Seven Lawless declarations never really got old. Leave it to her to take one simple phrase and run so far with it that it made Akari's head spin and cheeks heat up.
"So," Seven squeezed their hands tighter together, underlying laughter catching the edge of her words, "tell me about dream Seven, I hear she's a fucking asshole."
