#traumadiary

(December 22, 2019)

Today, my mom, my fiance and I went out for my birthday. We went to the movies and watched Cats. I honestly really liked it. I cried alot and really loved it so so much. I don't understand why so many people hated it. I guess they don't understand they're suppose to look more human, I mean?? It's based on the okay that's based on the book?? I grew up watching the play and ADORED it. People are so cruel for no reason...

Then we went to the mall and just walked around a bit looking around. We got Cinnamon buns as my birthday cake, lol. Mom bought me a pride flag from Spencer's.

This was a pretty decent birthday for once.

-Obie

Dear Diary,

(December 25,2019)

Today was Christmas. I call it Yule because I'm a witch and I don't follow the bullshit Christian beliefs. They stole Yule from pagans. Anyway. I celebrate Yule Dec 21-23 but I still call The 25th Yule and celebrate that way too.

For Christmas I only got one thing, art supplies. I don't mind much tho. I wish I'd gotten new clothes, cause I only have one pair of pants and a few shirts... Then we went over to my stepdad's parents' house for second Christmas. And there I got more art supplies, and socks. I kinda hate that family because they're always judging me and asking me invasive questions. And they are super homo/trans phobic....

-Obie

Dear Diary,

(December 28-30)

My fiance's mom and her boyfriend drive 5 hours to come visit us. They gave us presents and I gave them a painting I'd painted. They gave me a long pillow cat, a new mermaid backpack, a new Sketchbook, a journal, and candy.

The next day, they picked us up and we went to stay in a near by town about 2 hrs away. We went to the river and walked, and then to the hotel and Hibachi Express to eat. It was awesome. After that, it was night time, but my fiance and I stopped by a thrift store and got some vintage stuff and some books.

Then, we slept and the last day, we packed to go home and stopped on the way at an Asian store and I got Ramune and Pocky. Then, we went to a park called Flat Rock, and it was beautiful! I got some moss from there too that I'm growing.

(after thought) Though, when we got home, I had made sure I had everything in my bag. And I remember seeing my wallet. But now a month or so later, I still can't find it... oof...

-Obie

(September 9, 2019)

My Partner came back 9 days ago.

I’ve been… Extremely… Cruel to them… I hit them… And screamed at them… I kicked them and… I don’t remember any of it…

I end up hurting myself and snapping back to reality… And I end up screamed at by my mother and my partner ends up leaving for a bit to give me space… My legs hurt from hurting myself again…

My mother slapped my face for trying to explain and accept responsibility for my actions.

It angers me…

Because she did this to me.

I can’t function. I can’t have a healthy relationship because every time something happens, I get kicked away from myself and I go blind… I end up hurting my partner and myself… And I can’t remember any of it… I hurt so much.

Because my mother abused me for so long, torn me down and broke me… And I retaliate now in fear of being hurt again.. so I hurt people… I hate that.

My partner forgives me and we are working towards getting better. I’ve gotten a lot better over the last year since I met them.

I regret everything I’ve ever done… They deserve to be treated kindly.

When I’m not defensive and angry, they say I’m amazing and kind and gentle. But once that switch in my head clicks, once something makes me so angry… I explode and it’s like someone else takes over my body…

Sometimes, it’s like I can see what I do, but no matter how much I cry and tell my body to stop, tell my mouth to stop being so poisonous… I can’t.

Like I’m being controlled by something or someone else and I’m just watching, unable to help my partner from myself… It’s so scary…

I’m not a bad person… I do know that I can be a bad abusive person tho, because of what I went through as a kid, because of my mother and my mental disorders…

I struggle… So much… So even understand basic common human emotions… I struggle to understand and I struggle so much to stay in control of my own body.

My partner refuses to leave, they know it’s not me. When I snap back, able to control myself and I see and hear what I did to them and myself… I cry and beg and apologize because it’s horrifying and disgusting what I act like…

I know I’m a good person when I am myself… My partner knows and verifies that for me. I need help to fix my mind.

My family ruined my innocence and trust and it’s ruining my relationship….

-Obie

<image is from OPs trauma journal and reads:

I am like a dead bird,

Rotting, Broken, Unable to fly,

Trapped among Maggots and

Vultures picking at my skin.>

(wip excerpt in my trauma journal)-by me