also, this is in no way going against clara or anyone else iâve talked to, but i always feel kind of terrible when someone says something like âyeah, thereâs two or three people i genuinely hateâ and iâm here like âthirty sounds more like it. probably moreâ. i feel like such a bad person for outright despising so many people, but i canât help it. theyâve done things to me that made me fear them and loathe them and want to get back at them. and i realise that not all of them were individually That Bad, but they contributed to the situation in a way that still haunts me. like, the girl i was talking about i most remember for forbidding me to laugh because the sound annoyed her, and it was just like ... taking away the last bit of self-expression i had. i wasnât allowed to sing, or talk a certain way or about certain things, and now i wasnât even allowed to laugh about something. it probably was really offhand for her and hardly even mattered, but it mattered for me, i still think about it more than six years later, i am still self-conscious about my laugh to an extent i never was before she said that. i hate her for doing that to me. i hate so many people for making me the scared self-loathing mess i am today. i think they deserve that hate.
