#transpeopleproblems

I’ll preface what I’m about to say with this: I have no doubts about transitioning. This is the greatest experience of my life. Finally figuring out how to fix what’s been “wrong” with me (meaning finally understanding I was not ever a male) gave me a peace that I doubt I’ll ever truly be able to put into words. So when I say what I’m about to understand it’s not doubt, it confidence; Or lack there of.

Am I really a woman or just a man pretending?

I know what some people will say... Believe me I know. I, with mental health damaging regularity, scroll bigoted accounts. The refrain of “you will never be a woman” is LOUD and those accounts are not difficult to find. But I also know that alone in a room back in 2017 I said to myself it was either become the woman you were supposed to be or kill yourself because this being male shit is ripping you apart and you cannot continue this life. Part of my confidence issue stems from thoughts touched on in my previous post (and several others I think) about my transitioning late. I started hormones at 35. Testosterone had been ruining my body for an extended period of time. Now luck (or fate) took some pity on me and my testosterone level was half that of the average male of equivalent age. So maybe just maybe the damage isn’t insurmountable.

Tangent: It occurred to me a few weeks ago as a shower thought: when I discovered that my T was so low it never on occurred to me at the time to seek out treatment to fix that. To seek to bing my T back to appropriate levels. The only thought was “good, get rid of the rest of it”. The only logical course of action, the only comfortable one, the only “fix” I wanted was to feminize. Like the idea of remaining male was so abbhorant as to not even be a consideration.

Back to confidence, I’m 36, and my fear is male puberty destroyed any chance I’ll have at a feminine figure. I have a visceral reaction to the many male aspects of my body I see. I cannot stand looking at myself and seeing male traits. I hate it. I hate it so damn much. If I can see them, then so can other people and that’s when they say “is that a woman or just a man pretending?” (More accurately my brain projects those thoughts coming from them). I feel I need to state that this is how I see MYSELF. I see in many places talk about how passing (as I suppose that’s what this is really about) isn’t required to be Trans and happy. If that’s you, rock on, it isn’t me though. I cannot help but think had I, by some miracle, transitioned at 20 (or earlier) I could have destroyed the masculine that never should have been.

Surgery can do quite a bit, but I’m poor...so... if my insurance doesn’t take care of 100% of it then it’s literally impossible. I apply for microgrants every month. I’ve looked and looked for every scrap of financial assistance. There just aren’t many options I’ve found that will consider me and the majority of assistance I’ve seen is for transgender teens and young adults. So in addition to the personal feelings of “missed opportunity” even organizations set up to help people like me don’t really give help to people like me.

I know it’s still early, 7 months HRT, I’ve got a long road yet to go for my body to really heal (as I’m choosing to describe it) but the other side of that is... I’m almost 40... like, I’m not young, I don’t feel like have a lot of time to waist. Many years of happiness were stolen from me by growing up in an abusive home.

I’m still very early on in my journey. There aren’t any real physical changes yet. People who see me on most days will still always code me as male (life situation means I cannot present female as much as I would like) I am welcome in all “male spaces” and have the privilege that has with it.

But

There will come a time when I am no longer welcome in “male spaces” becuase I am a woman (best case) or a faggot (worst case). That isn’t what bothers me.

It’s the fact that I will never truly be welcome in female spaces and that sucks.

I’ve seen “girls only” parties where they ask that trans woman not attend becuase it makes some woman uncomfortable.

And I get that. Having a penis around makes you worried. Maybe something happened and it’s affected you. I get it, no judgement. Honestly I empathize cause my masculinity makes me uncomfortable too.

The problem with no solution is I’m giving up 100% of males spaces because I am not male and don’t belong there (and there’s a chance violence will be done upon me just for, you know, existing) but I’m also not going to be welcome in 100% of female spaces because there will be woman who don’t think I’m female and therefore don’t belong.

I’ve accepted this because it’s either that, living a PROFOUNDLY unhappy and miserable life, or death.

Yup as of the 24th I’ve been on HRT for 100 whole days and it feels like no time at all.

buuuuuut it also feels like nothing has changed. To me it certainly LOOKS like nothing has changed. I've also just recently crossed the line of losing 100 pounds in a year. I don’t see I difference there either.

Life at home continues to be as if nothing is going on, as if my life isn't fundamentally changing. Which... is cool? kinda... I suppose I should be thankful I’m not actively being abused, there are those who aren’t so lucky. 

I dont know... its been a bit since i last updated and when i sat down to write i honestly thought i would have more to say.

It’s probably weird to just sit there like a preschooler and write your name repeatedly but... here I am.