#trans!link

Chapter 1 - Quiet

The tree was solid against my back, the grass tickled my legs, and I took a deep breath of the clear Hylian air. We had stopped to rest under an expansive tree atop a foothill just south of the Dueling Peaks. My eyes were closed, feigning a nap. In reality I was keeping my ears peeled for the smallest crack of twigs, the metallic scrape of Yiga weapons being unsheathed. They’d dogged me all through my journey across Hyrule. Now that I travelled with the princess, the danger had only increased. The only sound that came was the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves above me, the slight rustle of grass, and the familiar light stomping tread of the princess. She was surveying the area’s wildlife, I could hear her humming an old Hylian song under her breath which I knew she often did as she researched.

It had been… at least three months since I defeated Calamity Ganon. I had always been bad at keeping track of time, and dates were hardly remembered by anyone in Hyrule except farmers. People tended to worry less about what day was on the calendar and more about not getting killed by the monsters still plaguing all of the wilds. It turned out that defeating Calamity Ganon hadn’t put a stop to the blood moons, so monsters just kept coming back no matter how hard we tried to fight them.

I thought that when I met Zelda again, I would finally remember all of it. My whole past and childhood from 100 years ago would finally come rushing back to me right when I saw her face. I was so sure of it, staring at her face over and over again as I rewatched my old memories on the Sheikah slate. Somehow I knew she would be the key to all of my memory problems. Well, I thought I knew at least.

It turns out 100 years of single handedly holding off the apocalypse had taken its toll on the princess. I certainly couldn’t blame her for holding some resentment for me. Every day I kicked myself for not having the words to apologize for what she went through, for not being strong enough to save her 100 years ago… there were so many things I knew I owed her an apology for. Things had been terse between us since I rescued her. I suppose I was always terse, but Zelda had taken on an air of stern hostility that I had only seen her with during what had seemed like the earlier memories of our relationship on the Sheikah slate. I was sure that my continued silence wasn’t going to earn me any favors with the princess, but no words felt like they could be enough to describe the size of what we’d been through together. My memory didn’t come back.

After all, what would I have said, “I’m sorry”? For what? I hadn’t created Calamity Ganon, the only thing I had to apologize for would be my own weakness, and I knew the princess would hear none of that. She had always been the type to blame herself for these types of things and I’m sure she was feeling just as much guilt as I was over not being able to awaken her powers soon enough. Still, there were so many things I needed to tell her. I mean, the last time we had been together had been 100 years ago, when I still had my memories. I was sure I was a completely changed person from who I had been before. Not that I really felt like I even knew who I was before. When I saw the young man dutifully and silently following the princess around in memories on the Sheikah Slate, he looked like a stranger to me. After I came out of the Shrine of Resurrection and recovered those first few memories I knew I had changed.

Something in my old expressions I think. Before, I protected Zelda not out of any sense of personal loyalty or even really a sense of fondness. Everywhere I showed up in my old memories I had the same blank expression. I was there, doing my job, trying my best to protect a princess who didn’t want protection. It was all duty, all responsibility, with how big a job it felt at the time I hadn’t even considered that I was allowed to have feelings about it. I realized in the panicked moments after I awoke from my slumber with a blank slate for a mind and saw my reflection for the first time in the Sheikah Slate I had finally seen real fear in my eyes. Of course at the time I hadn’t known this was unusual for me but I noticed that the more I learned about my past and the more I remembered who I had been I became more and more convinced that I was never meant to be a knight or a bodyguard. I was meant to be a hero, and I swore that I would be the one to define what that meant, no one could force my fate upon me.

So, I had set out to learn as much as I could about my old self, as well as my new self. One of the first things I realized was that my gender felt… all wrong. I felt that my connection to being a “man” whatever that meant, had simply disappeared. It felt like just another vestige of my old life, yet another thing I had dutifully accepted when the world tried to force it upon me. I realized that I found myself connecting more with a feminine presentation and at first, it was scary. I quickly realized that gender was yet another thing the citizens of Hyrule simply can’t be bothered to worry about though. I found it remarkably easy to “pass” and even the few times I’d had to correct people they’d always apologized profusely and accepted it right away. All of this though, I had yet to tell the princess about. It felt like… a weird time to bring it up, I guess.

With how quiet we had both been since traveling together, it almost never came up anyway. I would cringe inwardly when the princess spoke for me and misgendered me. This had really only happened 2 or 3 times since we’d met again though, which goes to show you just how little we talked during those first few months.

I was broken out of my long reflection by the princess’s familiar firm but graceful touch on my arm. She left her hand on my arm as I opened my eyes and feigned a yawn. She was crouched in front of me, staring with surprising intensity right into my eyes,

“Wake up, sleepyhead. We’ve got a ways to go if we want to make it to Kakariko village today.”

I simply nodded and began silently collecting my few belongings, loading them onto my horse. Zelda began her preparations as well, and I kept stealing small glances at her as she worked. That was another change from 100 years ago. Suddenly, I felt like I could hardly look at Zelda for too long at a time. She seemed radiant, bright as the sun, and I relished each moment I did get to see her.

“You know, there were some really fascinating flowers I’d never seen until now not far from here. They were so beautiful…” Zelda trailed off reverently.

I raised an eyebrow at her. Zelda had learned by now to watch my face for responses, since I didn’t really talk much.

“We could go and see them if you like?” Zelda offered, heaving herself up onto her horse.

I joined her on horseback and stared into the middle distance for a moment. It was strange, I had so rarely been asked about what I wanted to do that I almost didn’t know how to respond. But I had been dying for some touch of femininity. Since meeting Zelda again, I’d felt like I was holding myself back from my more feminine impulses again. I finally nodded.

“Excellent!” Zelda kicked her horse and began trotting down the hill I’d been relaxing atop. We rode for about 5 minutes before coming to a small clearing in the middle of the woods just north of us, across the river around Batrea Lake. Sure enough, there was a little patch of pretty yellow and orange flowers. Zelda dismounted her horse again so I followed suit. She knelt down to smell the flowers. I knelt next to her, very delicately grazing a petal with one finger and burying my face in the patch to get a whiff of the smell.

“My, Link… you have quite a gentle touch for such a strong and stoic knight. What an enigma you are,” Zelda grinned, looking suddenly up from the flowers and at me.

I found it almost unbearable when she looked at me. It was that sense of overwhelming radiance but a thousand times more intense. I felt my cheeks heat up and leaned back and away from the flowers, staring ahead and running a hand through my hair. 

“Ah, I didn’t mean to tease…” Zelda said with that baleful sadness in her voice that spoke of the unspoken 100 year history between us, “I find it quite admirable, in fact.” Zelda leaned down and plucked one of the flowers, bringing it close to her nose and inhaling deeply before turning to me and holding it gently near my head, her hand hovering a few inches away. It was close enough that my skin prickled and I could feel her slight warmth, “May I?” she asked.

I nodded, and she placed the flower just over my ear, it’s stem gently twisted into my hair. I stood and walked over to the nearby Batrea lake, and knelt by the water to take in my reflection.

“It’s quite pretty, don’t you think?” Zelda appeared behind me, I saw her reflection appear slowly beside mine as she approached.

I blushed again and nodded at the water, still not daring to look directly at her. 

She was unafraid to look right at me. I felt as though she was… seeing right through me, seeing all of me. Even all the feelings I’d tried so hard to hide for the sake of my duty. As she stared into me, trying to uncover all my secrets, I felt a tear come to my eye and roll down my cheek, dripping once into the water.

“Link? What is it?” Zelda placed her hand on my shoulder, still standing just beside me at the water’s edge.

I dried the tear with a bit of a scowl at my emotional slip, but my face softened again when the ripple my tear caused began to clear and I saw Zelda’s reflection again. Her touch was warm but soft on my shoulder. I turned to her, not rising from my kneeling position. I took her hand in mine, gently as I could manage. I lowered my head so we were in a similar position as we had been when she’d sworn me in as her knight 100 years ago. I remembered the grim ceremony like it was yesterday, the champions had been impossible to convince that it was even necessary, and with how Zelda’s attitude had been about the day I was almost inclined to agree with them.

That moment had locked Zelda and I into our fates, bound us together forever. It was at that moment that we became the hero and the princess, not Link and Zelda. We were fated to suffer at the hands of Ganon’s evil, Hyrule’s only hope of surviving the seemingly inevitable apocalypse. I found myself hoping Zelda would be reminded of that moment together as well. I realized that in this gesture I was communicating what was wrong… being Zelda’s knight and then her hero had been what had kept us apart all this time. That moment was what was creating this insurmountable wall between us. I just hoped against hope that she would understand.

“Link…” she trailed off, it had been hard to tell but I thought I’d heard that her voice was a bit choked. My suspicion that she was crying was confirmed when I felt some tears drip gently onto the back of my head, “Haven’t we been like this long enough?” She asked, pulling her hand away from mine and finally kneeling down to my level. She gently brushed a hand against my cheek where the tear I had let go had left its track. I could tell she wanted me to look at her, and finally, I felt like maybe I could. I looked her right in the eyes, something I had rarely had the chance to do. Her eyes were still glistening with her tears. I nodded, and imitated the gentle motion she had used to dry my tears on one of her cheeks.

Zelda used her sleeve to dry her other cheek and stood up offering her hand again. I took it, but this time she pulled me up off the ground out of my kneeling position, “I’ll have no more of this stoic hero business,” Zelda said with finality, “I can tell that isn’t you, Link. I may not know who you really are yet, but now it is your turn to decide what kind of man you want to be. Because... Hyrule doesn’t need a hero anymore, Hyrule needs Link.”

Something in the way she said Hyrule, maybe the hesitation just before that made me think she’d wanted to say something else, but had perhaps thought better of it. I had cringed when she used the word “man” and realized that now might genuinely be the best time I could have hoped for to tell her… to finally bare some part of myself to her, to finally show her the real Link below all the duty and titles. I had to think for a long time about how to say it, but Zelda had always been patient at waiting for me to speak. My voice croaked slightly as I spoke from lack of use, but at last I began, “I… don’t want to be a man,” I said bluntly.

Zelda’s calm facade faltered for just a moment and her eyes widened in surprise but it seemed, that on consideration, the idea settled on her and she responded, “Tell me, truly, who are you?” 

“I’m… a woman.”

“Well that doesn’t answer my question silly,” Zelda said laughing, “though I want you to know I’ve ah… had my suspicions for a while.”

I blushed, unsure of what else to say now.

“I think its something in that more gentle side of you I’ve been seeing today… and more and more every day since we’ve defeated Ganon. You’ve treated me with such gentle consideration… so many small kindnesses, and such a gentle understanding for my feelings, even on the days I was absolutely fuming at you. I’ve only ever seen that kind of gentle care from the other women in my life… my mother and Impa for instance.”

I nodded and managed a small grin, pleased at how reaffirming Zelda was being of my feelings, what few I had managed to express to her.

“I must say I felt rather bold in my compliment earlier…” she said, reaching out to cup the flower she’d put in my hair in her hand, “Now it seems even more fitting though, you are… beautiful, Link.” There was something in the way she’d said the word beautiful that made it resonate deep to my core. She had sounded so completely sincere, and almost… urgent, like there was something bigger she desperately needed to communicate with that one word.

“Ah… perhaps I’m being a bit forward again,” she said, replying to my stunned silence and pulling her hand away. It was torturous to have come so close to a moment of intimacy but something in me refused to speak out or correct her. As she turned and walked back toward our horses, gently petting hers and rummaging in her saddlebag for an apple to give it I just… silently followed suit, hefting myself back onto my horses back, ready to move on toward Kakariko.

It felt strange… leaving those woods. Leaving that moment together behind as only memory. Still, there was definitely something changed between Zelda and I. Where we had been riding with her in front and me behind her, she took to riding next to me for the rest of the day. Occasionally she’d shoot a glance over at me or tap my foot gently with hers. My heart raced every time.

We stuck to the roads through Dueling Peaks and on through to Kakariko. These were mostly safe as they were always some of the first ones I cleared after a blood moon. They were well-trodden by traders and thus worth keeping relatively peaceful. Not to mention I liked to pay frequent visits to Kakariko village. Impa was always able to tell me old stories about 100 years ago and I could listen to her describe her days as Zelda’s advisor for hours, especially before I had defeated Ganon and retrieved all my memories. I drank in knowledge about Zelda like I needed it to survive. 

This was to be our first time visiting Impa since the end of the Calamity. Zelda and I mostly had been staying in my house in Hateno village, only venturing out for Zelda’s research trips and for me to re-clear monster camps after blood moons. These two activities had taken so much of our time these first few months, and what time we weren’t spending on that we spent at home resting. I’d had an extra bed added to my house for Zelda to sleep in, but our relationship to this point had been so terse that I couldn’t say we exactly lived in domestic bliss or anything like that. Most days we had passed in complete silence, still the months of “rest” had been well earned after how much we’d been through, and we each kept in contact with Impa through letters, though I noticed Zelda wrote many more than I did.