#trans!arty

Nº1 was floating in his room down in Haven, his eyes closed and his legs crossed as if he were sitting. The four soft knocks on his door made the demon crack a smile, and he said without opening his eyes:

“Come in, Artemis. I have been waiting for you.”

Artemis walked in, dressed in an elegant tailored Armani suit. His jacket was structured, cut close to the young man’s narrow waist, and the gold cufflinks are delicate and yet a remarkable detail of his attire. His slacks were grey matching his jacket and his shirt was black. He tugged absently on his collar that was - surprisingly enough - not buttoned all the way up to his neck, and he wore no tie. His hair, however, was combed back to perfection, and his features didn’t look so pale – in fact, one could even spot a couple of freckles on his sharp nose.

Nº1 chuckled softly as the automatic doors fell shut behind Artemis. He still hadn’t turned to look at his friend. He didn’t have to.

“I don’t think I have ever seen you without a tie. And your hair is not short as you used to keep it.”

The corners of Artemis’ lips curled up in a small smile.

“I’m trying new things. I think I might have gotten a sun burn helping the twins trim the roses over…”

“…Over your former grave?” Nº1 turned back to face Artemis at that, floating down until he landed softly on a big blue cushion, gesturing to the white one in front of him “I take you knocked on my door four times on purpose.”

“Yes” said Artemis unbuttoning his jacket to then sit down in front of Nº1 “I refuse to be controlled by my past. By the obsessions that once held me back.”

Nº1 raised an eyebrow.

“This is a good thing. So is it safe to say you are cured of every unwanted thought that had plagued your mind?”

Artemis gave Nº1 a small smile. He’d been doing this a lately far more than he ever had before.

“In this life?”

“Can you change anything about your previous one?”

Artemis tapped a finger to his chin.

“I know you are trying to sound wise and ominous, my friend, but in fact, I can. Time travel, remember?”

Nº1  shook his head in amusement, a smile still showing his pointy little teeth.

“Yes, Artemis, I remember. I don’t think you, Holly or myself will ever forget it. But please try to stick to the subject. You know how easily I get distracted.”

Artemis joined his hands, supporting his chin on his thumbs.

“I don’t know.” he chuckled softly “It’s so odd, saying these words. I don’t like it. Not knowing.”

“It’s okay not to…”

“…To have all the answers, yes. Holly and Butler did taught me so. I’m just trying to accept this.”

Artemis looked at the drawings of stars and galaxies on Nº1’s walls. His art was exquisite, and Artemis almost grimaced when he thought that it would most likely soon be erased to have something else painted over. Nº1 would change the art on his walls every 23 days or so; he’d say it represented the ever-changing nature of the universe and the need to learn to let go. Sometimes Artemis’ very old self would make him think of photographing the whole thing and selling the images, but his new, more serene self knew it wasn’t his to take. Like Holly would say, “one d’arvit of a learning for a rich snob brat raised by his thieving self-centered dad.” Yeah, Holly wasn’t exactly one to add honey to her words when she resented someone, and she was still learning to appreciate Artemis Senior.

Artemis drew in a breath, seeing one of the Milky Way’s many nebulae and recognizing each star. He could name almost all of them.

“I don’t know if you ever knew that, but I wasn’t assigned male at birth.”

Nº1 nodded kindly.

“I knew it, Artemis.”

Artemis swallowed dryly. He seemed tense, his eyes low under his knitted brows.

“Did my name give it away?”

Nº1 shook his head, absently running his clawed fingers over the small horns on his head.

“When we connected out minds in Hybras, I knew it.”

Artemis flinched almost unnoticeably, lowering down his hands. He still had his eyes down.

“So you felt it. Biology. DNA.”

Once again Nº1 shook his head.

“No. These things don’t dictate gender. I felt confusion in your heart. A sense of non-belonging. A fear of mismatching the sheath in which your energy has been placed.”

Sadness permeated the demon’s voice, and Artemis rose his eyes to Nº1, his brows still furrowed.

“You… said that ‘these things don’t dictate gender?’” he clicked his tongue to then snarl “It’s science, Nº1, it’s…”

“…the same science that says that magic doesn’t exist?” Nº1 interrupted in a serene tone “Or fairies? Demons? Centaurs? Artemis, you should know better by now.”

“But I know it.” Artemis insisted, although there was a hint of anger in his voice “It’s…It’s what we are taught, it’s how our world works, it’s… It’s how it is!”

Nº1 looks into Artemis’ eyes, and the young man doesn’t avert his own from his friend’s gaze. Instead he glares, almost as if he dared Nº1 to contest his words. That stare had won him more than a few discussions, and although he had no idea, a certain Jon Spiro would still remember that remarkably defying look every now and then in his prison cell in Los Angeles as he waited for his probation date and a chance to start over, but that was another story altogether. Right then, however, Nº1 held his gaze until Artemis’ anger turned to embarrassment and his cheeks turned to a delicate pink shade. Only then did the demon speak.

“Why do you trap yourself within those concepts that do you no good?”

Artemis squinted, scrunching up his nose.

“Because this is how it is. It just…”

“Fairies. Magic. Gold. Even if it had originally been for foul – and yes, I wanted to go for that pun and you won’t take that from me-” Nº1 smirked “You thought outside of what others originally had defined the world to be. You said, no, fairies are real and I will kidnap one, get a troll into my house, get punched in the face, had some lollipop related humor thrown at my defenseless self, get a dwarf in my wine cellar, get mad drunk with my bodyguard and his sister… I missed the point, wait.” He frowned for a moment “Ah. Yes. Okay. So, you thought outside your boundaries. Why do you restrain yourself after all of this?”

Artemis simply stared back at Nº1 for almost an entire minute as his eyes darted back and forward. Butler used to say that when Artemis looked like that one could almost see the grinding gears in his brain.

“I think it’s because… It’s all I’ve ever known. Boy or girl, you can’t get to pick it. You’re born with it and you have to… accept it.”

“Close your eyes.” Artemis obeyed. He hadn’t second-guessed Nº1 in a long time, and honestly, who would? Being a time-traveling sorcerer demon would get you this kind of status. “Connect your mind to mine. No fear. No restraints. Let’s rise to the metaphysical level for a while, shall we?”

Artemis drew a deep breath. Reaching a higher state of conscience was much easier than it should be thanks to Butler’s teachings of meditation. By the time he realized it, he already felt light weighted, no longer tethered to his physical body but a non-concrete existence of pure energy, or, as those with more simplistic mindsets would call it…

“Soul.” said Nº1 “Yes, this is your soul.”

It would be wrong to say that Artemis ‘looked around’ or ‘felt’ anything at all, because he wasn’t physical. He was… him. There. Existing. The miracle of life born twice yet to die for the second time.

“Are you blue?” asked Nº1 in their resonant realm of energy

“I’m not sad.” Artemis answered in a slightly annoyed vibration “It’s tough to say I am feeling anything at all. Or that I am not feeling absolutely everything one can experience.”

“No, No. Are you blue? This existence of yours, is it blue, the alleged ‘boy’ color? Or is it pink, the alleged ‘girl’ color? – oh, do I love pink. It has the right wavelength if I may say it with your words, or, as I like to say it, makes my eyes pleased – anyway, is it orange? Green? Purple?”

Artemis felt his existence attentively.

“I’m not… There’s not a…” he struggled with the words he tried to vibrate in “I’m all. A rainbow. And I’m none. A black hole, non-color. This is… Oh.” he paused “This is beautiful.”

Nº1 vibrated softly like a cat purring.

“There are so many different patterns, Artemis. We are rainbows and black holes, we are pink stained with orange and brown dipped in blue. There’s no linearity when it comes to gender, to sexuality, to everything that defines you as a human being. Think of your friend Juliet.”

“She’s green and black and blue.” Artemis vibrated in agreement “She likes to wear any kind of clothes and she loves makeup and she is attracted to men and women, and…oh there’s so much more, she’s so…”

“Rich and complex? Everyone is.” Nº1 sounded as pleased as he could be “Now, think of Butler.”

“He’s grey and pink and white. He doesn’t connect romantically to anyone he doesn’t feel strongly linked to. He is not interested in physical intimacy, not often anyway, and he can reach his feelings easily, despite him being raised a man and trained a soldier.” Before Nº1 can say anything, he goes on “Oh, and Minerva, she loves women. She’s… she’s still trying to find what kind of appearance she feels more comfortable with…”

Nº1 vibrated softly.

“Have you understand it now, my friend?”

“I…” artemis paused to then vibrate so hard the electricity above his physical body cracked “Oh. Oh, I see it now. I see it!”

Artemis was back into his physical body as if he had fallen sitting on a chair, except “he” was his energy and the chair was his concrete existence. There were sweat beads on his forehead as he looked at his hands. They were shaking.

“There is more than two paths. There’s… I thought people were making this up, but it’s real.”

Nº1 smiled lazily, reopening his eyes.

“Nonbinary.” He nodded “Not boy or girl. Agender. Intersex. None. Both. All. There are so many paths to choose, outside the little boxes you humans make up.”

Artemis looked intently at Nº1.

“Am I this? Nonbinary? Intersex? Agender? Am I any of those?”

Nº1’s smile turned to a happy grin.

“You may be, but I’m not to be the one to tell you so. It’s all up to how you feel, Artemis.” He raised a finger, pointing his claw at the young human in front of him “And remember, you can wrap yourself on these concepts and undress yourself off them whenever they don’t fit you anymore. You are yours and yours alone, to regard to as you wish to. And most importantly, you are yours to be loved.”

Artemis reached to wipe his eyes but the tears were already spilling and he gasped.

“Well this….” He tried to sound as business-like as possible and failed spectacularly “This might take a while to assimilate.”

“No matter.” Nº1 looked around at the paintings of stars and galaxies around them “You have so much time in this life. More than you did in your previous one.”

Artemis laughed openly, wiping his tears away and rising to his feet as Nº1 did so as well. Artemis bent down to the Demon’s height and hugged him tightly. Nº1 hugged him back, rubbing his rough face on his chest over his pounding heart.

“Thank you, my friend.” said Artemis in a whisper “Thank you.”

- He’s afab

- When he was a child, Artemis didn’t know about trans people. He just felt like a boy, so he did what felt most natural to him and was irritated when people expected more feminine behaviour of him. But he frankly stopped caring about what other peoploe thought pretty early in his life.

- His parents were worried at first, which is why they sent him to "therapy" (not to really help him, but to get rid of this "disease"). Of course, they looked for people who corresponded to their conservative ideologies, so these were the first "therapists" Artemis had to deal with and he didn’t let them tell him sh*t (This makes it a little easier for me to digest how Eoin generally treats therapists in his books). Since all that didn't help, his parents just accepted that they now had a son and pretended that he was amab. It's not the coolest way to deal with it, but it came in handy for Artemis. Or so he thought.

- When Artemis learned as a child that his body would change as soon as he’d hit puberty, he tried to synthesise testosterone and hormone blockers in his lab. Because he has been alone with this issue from a young age and his parents have not dealt with it in a healthy way (they may even have repressed over the years that he was afab), he was ashamed of his body and thought with horror about puberty and what it could do to him.

- Wearing suits helps. Strong gender euphoria.

- Although Holly had to deal with misogyny in the LEP, I imagine fairy societies being a lot more progressive than human ones. I think that there are trans, gender fluid and nonbinary people in Haven and that it’s totally normal. BUT I think the LEP, being the police force, is just a bit behind and way more conservative - on the topic of feminism as well as racism and police brutality, etc.