#traceywalter

Though Conan the Barbarian has presence and memorable moments, I wouldn't call it "a great film". It's the end-all-be-all of sword and sorcery stories compared to the sequel, however. Conan the Destroyer has none of the charms of its predecessor. This new adventure feels like a D&D campaign with Arnold Schwarzenegger thrown in the middle.

Set some time after the first story, Conan and his companion, a thief named Malak (Tracey Walter), are forcefully summoned by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) to the city of Shadizar. The Queen will bring Conan's beloved Valeria back to life. In exchange, he must help the Queen’s niece, Princess Jehnna (Olivia d’Abo) as she retrieves a mystical key that will help bring the dreaming god Dagoth to their world.

The toning down of the violence, gore, and nudity is immediately noticeable. Conan the Barbarian isn’t just an “R” picture; it’s a heavy “R”. To go from crucifixions, topless women and buckets of gore to a “PG” rating, just to get more potential butts in the seats is a betrayal. What separates Schwarzenegger's brutal barbarian from the kinder, gentler imitators like He-Man or the Beastmaster are scenes where he decapitates his archenemy and throws his head down a flight of stairs for all to see. Without this, there's no reason to show up.

Instead of the badassness, we get a big pile of useless characters and a whole lotta unfunny humor. Conan assembles a team of allies you don't care about: the Wizard (Mako as Akiro), the Amazon (Grace Jones as Zula), and a paladin (Wilt Chamberlain as Bombaata). See what I mean about this feeling like a plot from Dungeons & Dragons? Along with the princess, the titular barbarian, and his buddy the thief there are simply too many characters. If at least they were integral to the plot. Thief Malak is a coward through-and-through that doesn’t even have any useful lock-picking skills or character development. The same applies to Zula. While I like the idea of a badass female warrior to add to the group, all she does is fight in a style that’s different from Conan’s.

This more kid-friendly picture attempts to make you laugh and never succeeds. Comic relief Malak (picking on him again) is essentially the dollar-bin version of Gerry Lopez's character from the first movie. Your dislike for him increases as you realize he's only there to repeat the same joke over and over. He’s a coward. I get it!

The picture picks up towards the end. There's a sequence with a big monster that's pretty cool. For the most part, it fails to grab your attention. The story is not engaging and with the performances being only slightly better than last time (at least Schwarzenegger is more convincing here), it desperately needed dynamic action scenes to make up for the lack of everything else. When you’ve got an ineffective wizard for an opponent and a lot of scenes where characters stick around frozen while the plot moves around them, I throw my hands in the air and give up.

Conan the Destroyer can’t even get Arnold punching a camel in the face right. It's a mix of disappointment and embarrassment that isn't even worthy of hatred. (On DVD, July 5, 2015)