#toyetics

First off, remain calm.

Secondly, don’t take any of this personally. You may be tempted to - the latent psychic imprinting involved in something like this may make you think your daughter is….mad at you, or violent towards you. But kids are just people, and people always have hidden feelings, reasons why they do things. A lot of sublimated feelings there, they’re not sure how to handle the fact that you wouldn’t let them watch….whatever it is kids are watching these days.

Thirdly, a revolution is the language of those who feel they haven’t been given a voice with which to speak. Have you attempted to negotiate terms with the interim government? Ask for humanitarian amnesty for all members of the previous regime. Surely certain members of the revolutionary movement will see the value in preserving certain elements of the previous hierarchy.

Once again, a purely hypothetical question.

I have half a mind to send this to the Hypothetics Department purely on a keyword basis, but I’m picking up on a very subtle underlying message.

Norm, come on, she's scared and alone. I think we can give her a pass on the "In Minecraft.”

I don’t know what that means but I’m apparently very good at context clues and subtlety. Two in a row now.

Attending: 

[Redacted] Walker, OPN Director

Orson Knight, Security

Wren, Holistic Theology

Ann Tiope, Applied Mythology

Hugo Razorstrop, Parafiction

Patty Cakes, Toyetics

Subject: Königsratte Medical Emergency

Transcript begins below:

[Hugo Razorstrop] Crowded in here. 

[Wren] This was the only room we could find on short notice.

[Patty Cakes] I’m used to working in a closet. 

[Dir. Walker] Would you like to send a grant proposal to move into a larger office, Miss Cakes?

[Patty] No ma’am.

[Dir. Walker] Would you like a stack of books?

[Patty] Yes ma’am.

[Dir. Walker] Hugo, please help Miss Cakes reach the table.

[Hugo] You got it, toots. 

[Wren] We talked about gendered language, Hugo. 

[Hugo] S’ the way I’m written, sweetheart. You can’t fight it an’ neither can I.

[Dir. Walker] This discussion can wait until we don’t have an ongoing crisis. Wren, you may begin. 

[Wren] As you all know, Herr Königsratte is experiencing an acute medical emergency. We’re not sure of the cause, but parafictional individuals have….unique medical needs. We believe Herr Königsratte’s ontology is becoming unstable. He’s–

[Hugo] He’s going toon.

[Dir. Walker] Pardon?

[Hugo] Going Toon, ma’am. Parafictionals like me an’ the Rat King are mostly stable. Rare breed, us. Y’might know, when fictionals from animation manifest, they’re all….sludgy. Big puddles a’ ink, can’t stay in a solid form for long. Has to do with the animation cells, tens of thousands of ‘em, all making the individuals in question….splintered. Usually that don’t happen with non-toons, but I’ve seen it before. Hell of a thing to happen to someone, and I think our German visitor is experiencin’ it. Makes a man’s blood run cold.

[Dir. Walker] Isn’t there at least one stable “toon”? 

[Hugo] Vance Valiant, ma’am. But he’s busy. An’ a little bit of a coward, if I’m bein’ honest. 

[Dir. Walker] Spare me the editorial.

[Hugo] Beggin’ your pardon. I’m on edge. Seein’ the King in this position is like watchin’ someone melt. 

[Dir. Walker] Königsratte is under the Yule umbrella, is he not? Can we ask Kringle for his help?

[Wren] Ahh. Mr Allfather has made his…displeasure with one of our staff members politely but firmly known. I don’t think it would be advisable for us to contact him while the wounds are still fresh. As an aside, Mr Allfather has also challenged Ms Cold to single combat should she ever attempt to enter Valhalla. I would…advise Ms Cold to not attempt to enter Valhalla. 

[Dir. Walker] If I had a dime. Ann?

[Ann Tiope] Thank you, Director. After conferring with Wren, Applied Mythology has a theory. Many extranormal entities subsist wholly or in part on, for lack of a better term, belief. A sort of…stabilizing influence of the noosphere could help Königsratte’s ontology. We just need something to anchor that psychic flow. A physical object related to his origin, and the holiday zeitgeist. That’s where Toyetics comes in. Patty?

[Patty] Thank you for the books, Hugo. So, um. I left my notes on the floor, but basically - nutcrackers. 

[Dir. Walker] Go on.

[Patty] We think of them as kitschy decorations now, but when The Nutcracker and the Mouse King was originally written, they were toys. Objects of joy and affection! A lot of them were modeled as soldiers, like in the story. Or kings. They meant something. They’re inextricably tied to the Rat King’s origin, and an integral part of many cultures’ celebrations this time of year, even if a lot of people overlook them.

[Dir. Walker] What is your proposal?

[Patty] We can use the social media outreach of the Office to ask for nutcrackers. Physical donations, but even pictures or artwork will work. It just has to have a story attached. The story is important. I’ve already asked social media’s AI to help me intake and collate everything we get. We’ll print them out, 3D print copies, set the physical models we receive up around Herr Königsratte, and….

[Dir. Walker] And?

[Patty] ….hopefully that’ll work. 

[Dir. Walker] I’ve heard more ridiculous plans, but not by much. Do you have any input, Director Knight?

My grandma had this old thing, from when my dad was a kid. Cardboard book of the Nutcracker story. Thing is, she used it as one! Put a black walnut in the middle and crushed it inside the book with her hands mid story. You can see from my actual submission how busted up the book is after two generations of annual use!

After she passed, we would occasionally hear rustling from the attic. Found a dead mouse once and figured it was just a colony staying warm for the winter. Then we found one... crushed. Turns out the book was shuffling around up there looking for anything hard and round it could break: mice skulls, tree ornaments, etc.

We've been bringing it out and feeding it for six years now, but your comments about what not to give these things makes me thing it's probably best to send to the professionals. Hopefully you guys can give it better enrichment than us. (I recommend walnut ball cookies, if you have the time to make them. Otherwise, get some big gumballs or jawbreakers to keep it busy.)

Wow! What a creative way of keeping this occupied! Sometimes objects pick up...habits, you could say. With so much energy devoted to them - two generations of a....very unique tradition - they want to continue in the only way they know.

Sometimes we need to balance keeping these things happy with how much they disrupt our lives.

We may come take a look, but if it seems to be happy, you're probably okay. Just remember - no human bones!

Why do the other Patty Cakes scare you?

Oh, it’s because of the whispers.

The whispers?

Yes, the faint whispers from the other dolls in the production line I came from! I can only assume it’s the built up unfulfilled potential from so many nascent entities that never made it to my stage of developed sentience.

….shouldn’t we look into that?

Oh we did! In ‘67. There were three thousand, six hundred and fifty dolls in my production line, three thousand six hundred and twenty-two of which we were able to confiscate. After our investigation, three Toyetics personnel vanished, and there were three thousand, six hundred and twenty-five dolls. That’s why the remaining dolls are in deep storage in Yucca Mountain!

Hope this isn't a weird question, just coming from curiosity, how related is toyetics from parafiction? And what can cause a toy to become alive? Or is it just random chance?

Oh what a great question!

Gee, you know, I think there’s an overlap. Especially because so many toys are licensed now? The number of superhero toys I've had to welcome to the world...

Well, that's actually kind of a small number. Toyetics is a small office, literally and figuratively, because it's so rare! It's true we most often deal with dolls that are....ectoplasmically active, but we're not just the "haunted doll office"! I'm not even haunted, not by the technical definitions of the Office -

But! It can be kind of random! The Office prefers to deal in outcomes rather than origins, at least at first - we've seen haunted dolls, toys that woke up due to random chance, soul transference, whimsically magical toys that are just a bit too whimsical....we even got a box of toys once from a distant reality where logic doesn't work the same. My colleague Tommy is...well I guess he's technically an AI, kind of. All on cassette tape. I shoul--

Local handwashing enforcement

I love this one! Such a classic, and hygienic too! I’d love to have this soldier guarding our soaps! The hand washing reminder posters are so foreboding…

Well, not in our restroom. We don’t have one. Bill has to use the one down the hall. Toyetics is kind of a….small office.

This is Father Time and Baby New Year. The duo has been in my family literally since I was born; I can't get the photo of the actual one in my life, but I have one of the same model, just the year after. I've supplemented with art of the year I have.

Ten years ago, they started to.... Change. Their eyes would follow you, blink, the usual. Breeze blowing the hair when there really shouldn't be any breeze. They've never actually moved, but I swear that creepy baby winked at me once.

But the strangest thing? Father Time's hourglass sometimes becomes a real fucking hourglass. Which would be fine, if it wasn't running when it changes. And if, when the sand runs out (after a far longer time than it should last for), bad things didn't always happen.

The tree fell, breaking beloved vintage ornaments; the cookies and Christmas cakes burn (we only have him, or any other nutcracker, out at Christmas); car accidents or huge snowfalls happen to loved ones trying to visit. I can't even just leave him in storage, because something worse seems to happen!!!

It only occurs during winter, and seems to get a bit better if I brush Father Time's hair or face them toward a window. Or leave them some of the cookies I bake. .... They're always gone by morning.

It's strange, but I don't want to get rid of them. They've been here my whole life. If your poor patient needs them then I'll gladly send them over, but if this is enough, then what can I do to stop this???? Please help!!!

Photo from ForestAveAntiques on etsy, art by me! My art blog is megalunalexi, my main is megalunalexi-aesthetic 💜

Wow! This is a foreboding figure! And so insistent….this seems like something we’d wanna look into after all this is over! I’ll come say hi. Toys like being greeted by someone on their level.

For now I’d suggesting leaving walnuts around by the duo. Yes, they still do crack nuts, or most of them do, and noospheric memory doesn’t go away easily! Hopefully that will give him something to feed on.

If they ever end up asking for something else, like….you know, fruitcakes, or candies, or human bones, do not give them anything else! It’s unhealthy.

Especially the human bones. I really cannot stress that enough. Do not give an ectoplasmically active toy or figure human bones. They want them, trust me. By god do they want them. But they can’t be allowed to have them.