#toxicinlaws

Sometimes I feel like I am this lighthouse, braving the great Canadian winter. Sitting here at the shores of the frozen lake, waiting for someone to see your light but you know that no one is coming, no one is out there. It’s too cold and frozen for them to get there.

I created this blog as a space I can share my thoughts, I can repost things without having to worry about destroying relationships (maybe a story for another day), I never did realize I was offending so many people doing something that brought me comfort when I’m in a dark place. Frankly, I’m often screaming for help. I’m not sharing these things because my headspace is sunshine and rainbows. But I’m not allowed to have problems, I am not allowed to get upset with people or have my own feelings. So I created this space in hopes to find comfort in sharing things knowing I’m not hurting anyone I love in the process.

I have a lot of things going on in my mind, a simple quote being shared, feeling like I found something that speaks the words I can’t find is comforting to me. I am a sad soul, who seeks nothing but happiness. I have nothing but love to give, and all I wish for is just that in return.

As I sat with this lighthouse and caught its stark beauty in the frozen lake, I really resonated with it in a time that I was grieving relationships with my in laws that I always hoped to have, but have come to realize I am not wanted there and I never will be and they will continue to make me feel bad about myself. In the process they have lost years with their son, their grandchildren. It breaks my heart as a mother and as a wife. I hope to one day find peace with this, better yet I hope one day we can find a common ground and have a civil relationship. This light house seeking someone in this frozen lake , is how I feel trying to build bonds with people. My in laws, friends, really anyone.

Tonight just turned heavier by the hour.

Maybe I just miss him—not that he would know, or maybe he doesn’t even care. Ever since he left, I’ve been having the softest dreams, just the two of us in a little house with a small garden, glowing and happy.

I woke up smiling, only to face the silence and greyness of the room.

Today, I felt extremely sad. We fought yesterday, and he didn’t even care that I left. I asked him, “Do you want to be with me or do you want to divorce me?” It was harsh, but I needed to know the truth. Instead of an answer, he turned it on me and said, “You want a divorce?”—as if all of this was my doing.

Then, like always, he shut down the conversation: “You lost the argument. Say whatever you want, I’m not replying.” I told him the truth he made me say, “Yes, I want a divorce,” and then I blocked him.

Now, I feel like something in me has gone missing—like part of my soul is gone—but strangely, my body doesn’t even respond anymore. Maybe I’m just numb.

I have nine days left before I return home. Nine long, dragging days of pretending, of holding myself up in silence.

I wish I could fast forward through it all, but maybe this is how healing begins: not loud, not brave, just quiet pain and slow breaths.

And you know what hurts most? That all of this started the moment his mother stepped in between us and he obeyed her 100% every single time.

Is this what marriage is supposed to look like? A man fully grown, still chained to his mother’s every word, with no space for the woman he married? I’ve never seen anything like this before.

All my friends, they live peacefully — their parents let them go, let them grow. But in my case, his mother holds on so tightly that there’s no room left for me.

It hurts so bad I don’t even know what marriage means anymore.