#toxic red flags

If you’re familiar with my account, you’ll know I talk a lot about toxic relationships in literature, but what, on the flipside, constitutes a healthy relationship? 

Trust - If A says they’re going to hang out with friends, B should not be ‘checking up on them’ or demanding texts while they’re away. Jealousy isn’t cute. 

Honesty  - But, of course, trust needs to be earned. This is with honesty. Lying to protect someone is still lying and that is not a good foundation for a loving relationship. 

Independence - In a healthy relationship, both parties have the freedom to do things on their own. Co-dependent situations, even ones built on love, are not healthy.

Respect - “I won’t let you do that” --> “I respect you and trust your judgement.”  Even if A doesn’t like B’s decision, they should have enough respect for one another to discuss the decision until both parties understand one another. 

Communication - If you want to discuss decisions you’re going to need good communication. Arguments don’t need to be screamed in a “passionate rage” for things to be said with emotion and heart. Yes people get emotional, but that is not the time to discuss important things. 

Equality - Power imbalances can lead to toxicity. If both parties have mutual respect and understanding for one another, this can be avoided, but the 200 year old immortal x the 18 year old girl is a little weird don’t you think? What’s next, 90 year old mortals and 15 year old boy? 

Empathy - When arguing, both A and B should be able to empathise with the other. If that means A shelving their agenda so that you can hear B out and then deal with their side later, that’s a healthy approach. 

Taking Accountability - Even people in healthy relationships do unhealthy things sometimes. What matters is they take responsibility for it and give meaningful apologies, not grad gifts when they already have a billion dollar trust find. 

Comfort - Both A and B should feel comfortable around each other. When they’re reunited after a long day or time apart, they will feel at ease by being around one another, not on edge and fearing an argument. 

Fun - Healthy relationships are fun! A&B will have so many in jokes that end in laughing fits. They have things that they love to do together, things that they both love to do. Not A forcing B to watch the notebook on repeat. 

So there you have it, 10 things that make a relationship healthy.

Links to my posts on toxic relationships are below: 

Romance with Toxic Undertones

Stop Romanticising Toxic Relationship Red Flags #1

Stop Romanticising Toxic Relationship Red Flags #2

Why is this post necessary?

I really wish it wasn’t, but sadly a whole bunch of authors think these things are sexy and are teaching young people that these are desirable attributes to a relationship. They’re not. From personal experience, they’re extremely damaging. 

To get the background on this series, please see Relationship Red Flags #1

While the last post focused on toxic red flags relating to power imbalance, this time I’m going to be looking at communication (or lack thereof) that is used to drive the plot, and then get swept under the rug. 

Red Flags

Blocking Communication. This can be done in a range of ways, about a range of things. This can be blocking conversations about their poor behaviour by crying and becoming really self-deprecating to make their partner feel guilty for bringing it up or getting angry or dismissive of the other person's feelings. This can be making their partner the bad guy in the situation, escalating what should have been a calm discussion into a large scale fight so that their partner will hesitate before bringing things up again. This can be “You’re overacting,” “You’re psychotic,” “It’s all in your head.” This can be interrupting their partner, talking over them or kissing them to shut them up when because they’re ‘cute’ when they’re angry. To be clear, in healthy relationships you have a discussion when you feel your partner had done some wrong, not scream and insult them. 

Jealousy and Possessiveness. Partners. Are. Not. Property. Jealousy is repeatedly made out to be cute. “It just shows how much they love them.” No, it shows how little they trust them. My ex used to get jealous when I talked to other guys at parties. Considering I had a lot of male friends, this was common. At first, I thought it was sweet because I’d seen it be portrayed as sweet in so many movies and books. Then he started accusing me of cheating when I spent time with my male friends alone. Then he started to get annoyed when I spent time with anyone else, male or female. He’d message me constantly asking when I was coming back, saying how much he missed me, how much he hated it when I was gone. This is manipulative behaviour and should not be presented as anything else. 

Going behind your back to go ‘what’s best for you’. I have seen this one more times then I can count. This is not sexy, this is not cute, this is not loving. What they are saying here is ‘You’re not smart enough to know what’s best for you. That’s why you need me.’ Completely disregarding their partner's decisions in favour of their own opinion is so unbelievably wrong. Where is the communication? Where is the trust? How could you ever trust a person who blatantly ignored your wishes and went behind your back? This is not a basis for a healthy relationship! 

I’m not even done, there will be another post on this. If I hadn’t seen these things romanticised, I wouldn’t have missed them as red flags. Don’t let the same thing happen to your readers.