#tox posts

I just started watching Dan Da Dan and i did so pretty freaking blindly.

Holy fuck this show is beyond funny. Like what the fuck. Its nigh impossible to get me to watch more than 1 episode of ANYTHING at a time and i've just blitzed through five!

This show is so freaking absurd and bawdy and crazy but i don't think i've laughed this hard in a long time.

I feel like the people trying to help them are doing a pointless task. They aren't looking for advice - they're looking for acknowledgement and solidarity in an experience that upsets them. We're great at resolving issues - we don't always need help figuring things out. Sometimes we just want to complain and be heard.

I remember when i realized this about the times when i complain and i just can't take any advice. I started saying "i'm just complaining, i don't need advice" or some variant. It leaves others off the hook of the pressure of feeling like they have to help me when that isn't want i'm asking for. It got a lot essier for me to communicate and be heard.

I also started saying two things - if i'm the one complaining, i just thank the other person for the advice and move on. I'm tired of being angry, defensive, and obsessing over not being heard in the perfect way i wanted. Because the fact that they're trying to give me advice tells me they heard me. They felt enough compassion to try and help. I appreciate the kindness.

The second thing is when im in the reverse situation. I just give a simple acknowledgement. "That really sucks, i'm sorry this is stressing you out" or something to that effect. I'll sometimes ask for more details - it gives them a moment to elaborate the thing their angsting over, to just talk it out. Sometimes, i'll ask if they want to hear advice - this is when the complainer realizes what they're looking for more consciously and they'll just say no, but they just wanted to be heard, or something. Or sometimes they'll surprise themselves and say they do want to hear it. I think being presented with the idea of advice as an option as opposed to just having dumped on them can make them more inclined to want to listen to it. It gives them a level of agency and equity in the conversation that they're looking for to begin with.

I've been ruminating on this because the keyholders at my store are still young and haven't really come to these conclusions yet. So they angst and complain about things. And i just acknowledge them and it makes the conversations easier to have. They're less immediately defensive when they start complaining. It's interesting, just noticing this stuff.

My sister is a big complainer. She's older than me, but she can't seem to articulate that she just wants to be listened to. Not helped. Idk how many times i've tried to subtly get the idea in her head - that's the only way for her to grow i'll be fucking real; the amount of times i've successfully subliminally given her ideas that she then thinks are her own original experiences is fucking hilarious, it's a joke between my mother and i now - but she can't express that she isn't looking for resolutions. She's a very rigid person. If someone doesn't know how to respond exactly how she expects them too (still a mystery to everyone but me apparently) she can get defensive and angry to the point of screaming. She'd started concentrating her complaints at me because i just would say "yeah that sucks" or whatever and i guess it's exactly what she wanted to hear so she'd chill.

I had to pause the video and screech. This is such an old and tired thought terminator that is used to excuse the decision to not reflect on your emotions, actions, and thoughts.

I just have to get thid out.

Emotions being chemicals in your body and mind actually make them more real. There is a physical trace of them! It can't get more real than that! We can physically find the emotions! We can physically see that they are real!

I did a paper in college on the dangers of heartbreak - it literally can kill someone because it fucks with your cortisol levels. It fucks with so much in your body. Death from heartbreak is a real phenomenon that is actually able to be studied. Your emotions can be physically studied because they are real.

I remember when this stupid sentiment was getting off the ground a while back - i'm talking 15-20 years ago - in the mainstream and it wasn't something that i ever saw anyone able to argue against. At least not really well. I didn't see anyone come to this same conclusion that i did. I think, because, the idea of them being chemicals was uncomfortable and new and unexpected.

You don't expect emotions - these intangible abstractions - to be physically created or formed. There is endless media romanticizing the metaphysical nature of our emotions, and when you don't question that, its blindsiding to be faced with the emotionally disconnected observation that they are indeed chemicals in our brain.

The most i would hear people say id that emotions are of course real, they still are important, they still rule everything. It doesn't matter that they're chemicals.

But, it does. It makes the emotions more real. It gives them a physical presence that cannot be ignored, gaslighted into nothingness, or written off. People will use the tired "emotions aren't real, they're just chemicals" to justify their refusal to reflect on themselves. They don't want to acknowledge the elephant skeletons.

Its a thought terminator because it derails any discussion about emotion, philosophy, abuse, etc. It attempts to remove the onus of responsibility, and tries to create in others a hesitance to step out of line with their emotions.