#total rando

TEA is better than COFFEE 💯

Look Morty! Isn't it beautiful? I made this for my sweetheart.

DO YOU ever have a day at work like this? I feel like every hour long meeting could be a quick email instead.

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Lmfao, we were in this submarine and water started getting in. So we’re all freaking out and someone yells, don’t worry, we can breathe underwater. And as luck would have it, we could. So we spend some time swimming underwater with dem fishes and gaddamn mermaids and shit. Like, it was magical. Then all of a sudden, these huge ass great white sharks show up so we swim like freaking Michael phelps to this Japanese village like place but it’s semi underwater so the sharks could still get us. So I jump on the highest roof and find a bow and arrow and freaking slay dem sharks like a badass apache warrior. After that, we take a ferry boat to this mall in America and I remember us going into Victoria’s Secret and meeting Maryana there and she was trying to talk her boyfriend out of trying on a thong. Yeah, I know. Be jealous of my kickass dreams

I was an Asian man living in this house with a bunch of women. So one day they were outside playing soccer with a dead rat and I tried leaving the house only to be yelled at because apparently I'm not allowed or something. So one day, I decide to run away and I know they're running after me but I somehow manage to lose them. So now I'm hiding in this industrial compound and I see Simba in a cage and he's like, don't let them catch you or you'll be trapped here forever. But I can't just leave Simba like that, so I try getting him out but that's when they caught me. So it turns out, those women were part of an organization that kidnaps young Asian kids and raises them to be super geniuses so that they could take over the world. And I remember, as soon as they caught me, they locked me into a lecture hall and the first assignment was "write a 10 page paper about fruit. But not grapes because they're lame". I woke up this morning thinking "oh fuck, I have a paper to write.”

I dreamt I had a dream and i was texting you about it. So basically I dreamt I was taking a nap in the back seat of my car and all of a sudden, this shady looking guy tries opening the door closest to my head. So I freak and lock the doors but for some unknown reason, I get out of the car and he pulls a gun on me. So I'm like, hey now don't be like that and he starts panicking and telling me hi we shouldn't have killed that girl and I'm like, what girl? And then he lifts the floormats in my car and there's a freaking body there. Now I'm freaking out and he books it but not before leaving the gun with me. So I "wake up" and tell you about this dream within a dream and you're like, sam it's nothing. Don't worry about it