#toriquene

MATCHING SCARS CLUB.  So I went into the tag and someone made a post about how they have matching scars now and.... now, 10 days after, this happened?? I’m trash.

I actually drew her full view, BUT IT SUCKS so only have the part i can draw.... Eh sadie was surprisingly easy even tho I don’t get her hair? Like it canonly switches sides every now and then. 

tf when for the first time in forever your first attempts to draw a male character DON’T look like girls and look decent????

OKAY SO REMEMBER IN ISLAND ADVENTURE LARS WAS FORCED TO COOK THE FISH. AND IT WAS SURPRISINGLY GOOD AND HE BRUSHED IT OFF BUT ACTUALLY IT MAKES SENSE BC IF YOU CAN BAKE YOU CAN PROBABLY ALSO COOK A BIT???

like these two things are pretty close.

In terms of story and plot it would be something different, but it’s become a habit of mine to watch that episode whenever I’m needing distraction, just because it actually keeps working even if I do it intentionally (a lot of things that work to calm me down or sth, usually lose their effect when I do it on purpose). I don’t doubt that it would happen with other episodes too (I mean I just watched Are you my dad, AND SUDDENLY BAM Lars’ Head and I’m like: HOW DID I WATCH ALL THAT), but Mindful Education just always manages to make me cry; which usually calm me down, funny enough. I think that when I’m upset, I need to cry, but when I make myself cry for the reason I’m actually upset, it’ll only make me more upset. But when I cry for fictional characters, I still let emotions out, which (I think) calms me down, but I don’t really have to dig deeper into the topic. While I do think that the episode makes me cry due to the reason that it deals with thinking about stuff so I relate probably and that’s why it gets me so much. There’s not a bit of that episode that I find boring or hard to sit through. 

I once read that the song Here comes a thought is very calming for people with anxiety; which at first I didn’t understand bc I didn’t find the song very calming? Honestly I find Garnet’s voice before the song more calming than the song itself, but now I grew to understand why you would listen to the song when you have an anxiety attack. The song is calming especially Garnet’s voice. 

I mean I kinda do that too now, just that I usually listen to it to distract myself and cry for fricking Steven instead of purposely listening to it for my worries. I mean as long as it works XD 

I kind of envy people that want to not exist. I really do. In a way. Because, I’m sure it sucks to have such a life and unmotivation that it actually drives one so far to say “I do not want to exist” is sad, but... Idk, I can’t even live my life when I’m happy. 

Lately, the thought of not existing and being dead has kicked in. Hard. Even when I’m distracted or happy, it crosses my mind. I can’t keep myself so busy 24/7 that it never crosses my mind, because it does no matter what I’m doing, what I’m thinking or if I’m happy or not. I force myself to keep working so I don’t think more which is one of the reasons my latest tests have been so surprisingly good WHICH is a good aspect of it I guess but I still hate it. Hach do you remember the times my only worry was that I felt unloved and unhappy and that I had no talent at all? These things vanished to a certain extend, but I guess life just wants you to feel terrible.

The ironic thing is that I’ve found comfort in sleeping more than before, even though sleeping is so close to what I’m actually afraid of. This gives me hope that, eventually, once I grow older, I will get sick of life and just look forward to being dead. So I don’t have to think, so I don’t have to worry, so I don’t feel.... so I don’t exist, don’t remember anything. Not my friends, not my family, not that I was happy, not the world,... nothing. This may scare only me, but it really does. I’d rather live forever together with everyone else. Living forever alone is a curse, but together, I don’t think I’d complain. I know yin-yang all that shit, but ugh it just scares me. We should be allowed to decide ourselves when we want to die, not have age decide it for us.

It’ll just be black forever and I’ll never even know. And I’ll never wake up again. Or maybe I will. Who knows after all? I kinda want to be reborn, but at the same time I don’t.

I don’t know what scares me more reborn without having any memories of this life, which would mean I wouldn’t even know that I “survived” bc I literally didn’t or just infinite darkness without even knowing. 

Sometimes I work or am doing my hobby, the thought strikes “You’ll die. 1/5 of your life is already over.”. I’m not afraid of dying per se, but I’m afraid of what comes after. That’s like saying “pfft don’t be afraid to do something dangerous, you won’t know you didn’t make it if you die anyway!”

And saying “Well you’re dead anyway so you won’t be afraid. Don’t worry.” --- well, who the fuck cares?? I know that I won’t feel anything when I’m dead AND THAT’S what worries me. Not that I’ll be dead, I know I won’t know. I don’t know when I sleep either.