Hi so I’m non-binary? I don’t know I’m still figuring it out but I don’t relate to gender much, I still go by she/her though just cause it’s what I’ve always gone by. But I want to get top surgery because I’ve always been masculine presenting, I’m a lesbian as well. I kinda relate to lesbian as a gender more than an actual gender.
But anyway, I want to get top surgery. I’ve got a big chest, like double to triple Ds. I hate it. It’s made me uncomfortable since puberty (in my mid 20s now). But…I don’t want to get top surgery and be seen as less desirable to queer women. I know that’s stupid because like if someone doesn’t want to be with me just because I don’t have tits that’s probably not the greatest person to be dating, but it’s hard to let that go you know? Feeling rejected still sucks. And i feel like i already don’t have a huge dating pool. So like do i want to limit that more by getting top surgery. And i know i shouldn’t center my life around dating and relationships, but like it’s still on my mind. Some things are easier said than done. And I have trouble with intimacy because of how uncomfortable i am with my chest. I know this is ramble-y. I just have a lot of thoughts and I’m confused. I just, I don’t know, do you have any advice?
And don’t get me started on how anxious I’d be to go back to work after top surgery. Like what do I tell people when I’m going to be gone and what do I say when I get back to work? I live in a conservative area and I don’t even know how to go about that. But like, I still want top surgery.
For starters, there’s no rush on any of this. Take a minute and breathe. Take the time to figure out who you are and what you want. You don’t even have to be non-binary to get top surgery.
I have a small chest that makes me uncomfortable and dysphoric. I can only imagine how it must feel for you with a larger chest. So take a second and push back the anxieties of other people. Think about what it is you want. Do you want boobs at all? Do you want a full top surgery? Or do you want a reduction instead? A reduction will still give you boobs, if that’s what you want, and having them at a smaller size can make it much easier to bind or whatever else that would help you look more masculine. Work through those things before anything else. You are the only one that has to live with you forever.
You are absolutely right that it’s hard to let go of those anxieties. I’m engaged and will most likely be married by the time I get top surgery. I still get anxiety about how my partner may not find me attractive or desirable after it. Even though she reassured me constantly that it won’t happen. That if anything, she will find me more attractive because I will be happier with how I look. That anxiety is still there for me though because I have so many years of rejection by others in various ways.
You are also absolutely right when you said that if someone doesn’t want you because you don’t have tits then they aren’t the best person to be with, but that fear of rejection is real. It may never go away. At some point, you will have to face and work towards accepting that reality; that some people may not want you because you won’t have boobs. Those people aren’t for you. But you can always work to find those who will.
You’re worried about what others will say about you taking the time off work and/or when you go back to work from the surgery? Tell them the truth. Tell them a lie. Tell them whatever you feel like because it is none of their business. In some of the trans groups I’m in on Facebook, I’ve seen so many answers to that very worry of yours. Those answers being anywhere from outrageously funny bullshit to something that’s very serious; like one person said they replied saying something along the lines of losing them in a sword fight to telling the person who asked that they have/had breast cancer and started to “cry.” Others have answered honestly, telling the person that they’re trans or non-binary and didn’t want boobs anymore. It all depends on you and your comfort level with the question.
I’m from a pretty conservative area too. So I understand feeling lost about it all. Do some research. Talk to people online, like you did with me. Look outside of the immediate range of your area. Find something maybe a few hours away that could have more resources.
I hope this helps. Feel free to message me privately if you would like to talk more about it. Or you can send another ask. Whichever you prefer.
