#toodloo

Someone grated a lemon over me

So... You might've guessed by my last Main Quest post, but final grades came out for my sophomore spring and I didn't do that well. And... I was like disappointed but not surprised, because although I am delusional, I can also work myself up to reality. I.e. although I saw I got like a 30% on that 046 final, I was expecting at least a B, but then again, I can't recall or name most of the topics covered in the last third of the class, so it makes sense I got a C.

Well, there's someone else who isn't happy about these grades that is not me. It's my mom. Yeah, @budumtssss we're going a step further from, it's all the dance you've been doing, to... how can you take TWO classes and not get Bs (and a whole bunch of repetitive nagging getting real close to direct criticism). And so I got upset, and was like let me figure this out, you're not helping. And then she was upset--she says she should have the right to nagging as a mother without me being upset. In general, the nagging seems like more for her, and her need to feel important as a mother, and for her longterm financial stability than it is for me. But still:

"Shouldn't you try harder to get good grades now that you've been goofing off for three years?"

Damn. It hurt. But it also objectively does bring up an interesting idea that I need to figure out: do I need to try harder in school, and why?

Part I: No

To preface, I will shine some light to my journey leading up to now. "Work hard as a means to open more doors in life" is the no-brainer philosophy I lived by throughout high school. Once I arrived at MIT, I tried hard in classes and got the grades, but had a really depressing first semester, and a slightly less depressing second semester. It was exhausting, living such a "default" lifestyle: by "default" thinking about school, watching the clock as I ate, looking at unanswerable pset questions and thus having to pset with people I could not carry a normal conversation with, and otherwise be surrounded by strangers all the time. It was unsustainable, and made me hate my life and the school.

So, after some thinking this summer, I decided I would care less about grades. I took hip-hop dance theory and screenwriting. I worked on freestyle dance in my free time, really investing time and effort in it, and pursued this small funny Italian dream. I became better friends with y'all. I participated in clubs like KCA, mince, and MissB. I applied to rap class. In my application to CMS.S60 Rap Theory and Practice, I wrote:

"At the moment, the artist/creative is someone I respect more than the stellar student. So even at MIT, I write my own short-films, draw, choreograph dance, and think about satisfying videos I want to film in the future. All in all, I really appreciate that art shares a vision/interpretation of the world, giving it value."

This is my truth.

Yes, there is a parallel universe where I could be giving my all into understanding algorithms, and I am confident I could get an A in that class. I think my mom in particular was struck by this when I said this to her but I think she must've stopped listening here. The second half of this story is: I did not choose that universe. I study hard with curiosity and interest, but not to the extra levels I know is needed to secure a high grade in any class.

Yet maybe because of this choice, now I am living life to a fullness that I am proud of. This was the first year of my 15 years of schooling, where I was not an A student, and I've experienced soo soo many more parts of MIT, Boston, and delayed young adult life because of this: like grocery shopping and cooking to survive, working jobs, being bad at something, getting good at something unproductive, being pursued and rejected, on dates in general, finding my likes and dislikes in people again. Yes, I am figuring out what it is I want to pour my efforts into.

If Richard Feynman was my role model figure in high school, I draw inspiration from artists like Tyler the Creator now. Which is interesting: both geniuses, irreverent, cocky, and pushed their fields forward. This summer will be a research opportunity for me to figure out how closely I want to mimic the path of either the academic or the artist. In general, this lifestyle is necessary for my happiness and my continued journey in finding who I am in college.

Part II: Yes

"You keep it all bottled up that's why your life dry while mine wet / I study hard at school to keep my sisters and my mom fed." - Amari, suffolk county water (Nomadic Seoul EP)

Um... so exaggeration or not? My family as it stands right now, is doing okay financially. However, as some of y'all can guess, there are some ticking time bombs, or random variables, that make the system unstable. So, for now, let's just say there is some weight on my shoulders to make a decent salary after MIT, to share support wherever the pieces lie in a couple years. I think that might be a major part of my mom's worry as well, which is lowkey fair, because I used it in my rap lyrics so I should walk the talk.

The assumptions here are that a good GPA and a promising student at MIT will get hired by a tech company and keeps all those doors of opportunities open for me in the future. This route is tried-and-true. Whether you do it for the family or for yourself. The soul-searching can be done in a more BALANCED fashion--besides, you can move anywhere once you are at the top of the ladder.

Besides, my goal being Netfllix is as basic as any other company in recruitment: like they want a spiky developer, someone who's good at developing, not a creative mediocre programmer. They'll filter me by GPA if I don't have anything to show for myself. Ain't that crazy?

So studying harder. Yes. There are some sacrifices yes, like sleep, improvement in dance and rap, social life, but in return is capability and delayed opportunity.

Part III: Maybe

Anyways to wrap up this post: I will figure this out this summer. I just know I like my life a little fast-paced. I need to move forward with more of a plan/vision and the confidence to execute it either way.

Before my mom even brought it up I thought to myself this is probably now where I get better grades anyway. But I don't care about keeping all doors open: I live fully and intentionally such that I know which doors I want to close and not worry about. If I choose to spend my time pursuing something hard, I just hope I thought about why I'm doing it and why I chose it in particular. I agree bottomline that I need to work on my systematicness/thoroughness/work ethic in doing even what I like.