Can I have them at the Oscars please????

i swear to god you two, nobody cares how amazing your career is if you’re being little shits at home

if i ever hear that you suck at being dads and husbands i will destroy you

i will find you, do you understand

so get up at 3am

grab those dirty diapers

soothe them colicky babies

make breakfast for the wife when the sun comes up

clean up after breakfast

do the laundry

clean up after the dogs

and tell your wife she’s beautiful even if she’s cranky because her nipples are sore and the stitches still hurt and everything sucks

ok

no, shut up, i am actually threatening you

because i can ok i have promo’d your life for free for 2.5 years

i’m basically the publicist you don’t pay

no homo

well, not anymore

i mean

at least not here

joseph i said no

basically it got hella awkward and that’s why we never ever see them anywhere together 

i, for one, am quite relieved

NOW TOM AND JOE’S BABIES CAN GET MARRIED AND THEY CAN BE IN LAWS AND IM GONNA DIE THESE ARE THE CUTEST BABIES

-overcome with emotion-

i don’t think joe appreciates tom’s obsession with the military either

and does joe even like dogs? or cats? 

-shrug-

 i ship it

i want this as a reality show

while joe looks pleasant and clean and slick on his covers

oh boys 

i’ve heard nothing but great things about tom’s performance in child 44. i love the career he has built and continues to build for himself. <3

i hear great things about his performances all the time, but sadly i am denied the pleasure of watching them due to the nature of the violence in his films

bronson, lawless, child 44, and mad max i have not/will not see. boo.

it’s okay, all the others are great. i LOVE biopics, because that’s my genre and i feel like they’re higher quality filmmaking... but that’s me. 

so i CAN’T WAIT for the elton biopic. and snowden of course. 

i wish they came out at the same time

and both boys get oscar nods

and get seated next to each other

and despite taking their wives as dates 

the envelope reveals that it’s GASP a best actor tie!!! and in that chaotic exciting moment they turn to each other and kiss

but then realize

they turned to the wrong side

and tasha and charlie are like O.O

but then they’re like :D :D :D

and the abc producers are like FUUUCK FIVE SECOND DELAY! FIVE SECOND DELAY! THIS IS TOO GAY FOR LIVE TV

and the boys go up to the stage blushing

and they make immature jokes about how the oscar statuette is naked

and it doesn’t have a dick

because they’re nervous

and all they’re thinking are hella gay thoughts

and...