#tokevin

Despite her reservations and insistence that she would not date him again, Wendy found herself at the start of middle school dating Stan Marsh (again). Sometime after her thirteenth birthday, it was Stan who finally decided to break things off. While she was shocked, Wendy was also relieved. She always had a soft spot for him and if he was the one begging her to take him back, she always would. Wendy, on the other hand, didn’t beg. It was beneath her. She wasn’t a girl that was defined by having a boyfriend. They remained on friendly terms, which was how she got to be the first to learn that Stan was gay. She’d had her suspicions before then. He had always seemed to be phoning their whole relationship in and got uncomfortable whenever she showed him affection. And she had tried everything, hadn’t she? To be a good girlfriend? So Stan had to just be not attracted to her for some reason outside of her control. Wendy was nothing but supportive of Stan as he slowly came out to their friends and eventually went on to start dating Kyle Broflovski. They were good for each other. She was happy.

After Stan broke up with her, Wendy happened to find an old friend on Twitter– Gregory. He had moved out to Denver, but was delighted to reconnect with her. He was just as charming as ever and somehow even more handsome. Years of Stan had made her sort of tired of South Park boys so she was thrilled when Gregory asked her to be his girlfriend. Only fourteen and she was already moving up in the world. He was an ideal gentleman– buying her gifts, planning perfect dates, listening and sympathizing with her through confusing puberty rants. Still, something had always felt off. There was some other person Gregory would constantly mention, a boy named Christophe. It was clear he admired him. It should’ve been clear that he was in love with him. And it was, in retrospect. It just took Gregory breaking down in Wendy’s room before they tried to lose their virginity to one another and confessing his gay feelings for Christophe. Wendy was frustrated, certainly, but still encouraged him. She’d never met this Christophe but if he was what Gregory wanted, who was she to get in the way? Besides, Gregory’s personality had always screamed “flamboyant gay man”. It was her fault, really, for not having good enough gaydar.

She had gotten used to the lavish dating style that Gregory’s money could afford. Wendy never considered wealth that important, but she’d be lying if she said that didn’t factor into her decision to date Tolkien Black. That wasn’t the only reason, of course– Tolkien was also very down to earth. She needed someone who could ground her, help her realize that her problems (while valid) were mostly just due to her being fifteen and stuck in a small town that she hated. Their relationship made her feel normal. There were so many good things about Tolkien. He was level-headed, smart, rich, politically conscious, and fun! Wendy couldn’t’ve asked for anything better. Except that maybe he could’ve spent less time hanging out with local dork Kevin Stoley. Or he could’ve stopped constantly referencing dorky sci-fi things she didn’t understand, saying “Kevin would get it.” Or, maybe Tolkien would’ve been a better boyfriend if, when Wendy had confronted him about his “friendship” with Kevin, he hadn’t asked her if she was making him choose. She didn’t mean to but she was. He chose Kevin. Kevin chose him. They were a dumb weird couple but they were, aparently, a couple nonetheless.

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It was after this that someone (probably Lisa Berger, they’d always been on bad terms since elementary school) coined the term “Wendy’s Law”. Wendy’s Law dictates that, if a boy dates Wendy Testaburger, he will turn out to be gay. It was stupid and it wasn’t true. Wendy ranted about this to Bebe on the phone for about two hours after she first heard about it. Bebe assured her that she was right, it totally wasn’t true, but also asked that she “not date Clyde Donovan because he got cute over the summer and he will be mine and I will not have him go gay before I get a chance to kiss him.” “Bebe, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Wendy groaned. What happened to besties trusting each other? Though, as Bebe was the second most notorious gossip at the school (right behind Lola), there’s a strong chance she had known about the term for a while and was happily spreading it. Especially since she was (so far) the only one who knew that Wendy and Craig had hooked up during Craig and Tweek’s very brief break up two months ago. That one didn’t count, in Wendy’s opinion. “Wends, you know I love you.” Bebe’s voice got louder and muffled, a telltale sign that she had squished her phone between her cheek and shoulder as she started to paint her nails. “But, like, maybe there’s some truth to it? I mean, one is whatever. Two is a weird coincidence. But three? Three guys got a boyfriend after you dated them? Wends, babe, that’s like. That’s gotta mean something, you know?” “No, I don’t know!” Wendy had the fleeting urge to throttle Bebe but she pushed it out of her mind. “Wendy’s Law is a bunch of bullshit and I’m going to prove it!”

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This was why she decided to hook up with Eric Cartman at her own Sweet Sixteen party. She hated most everything about him, but there’s no way the biggest right winger in the school would ever become gay. And, well, maybe Cartman wasn’t actually so bad. He had different opinions from her but so what? Wendy loved debating with him and getting insight into topics she’d previously dismissed as pointless. Sometimes they even agreed. They loved a lot of the same snacks too (not just Double Stuffed Oreos) and would eat them while critiquing/ripping on dumb movies. Wendy felt smart whenever she picked up on Cartman unknowingly letting down his emotional walls. Deciphering his rants was like a test and she had always excelled at those. She was proud of herself as she helped Cartman work to better himself. Wendy never thought she’d cry when Cartman decided to break up with her. Especially because, after doing a lot of self reflection just like she taught him, he realized he had a lot of internalized homophobia. Which meant that he was gay. “You didn’t turn me gay, though, just for the record,” Cartman said. “Because I’ve totally been gay this whole time. No witchy bitch shit can change who I am.” This still unfortunately counted for Wendy’s Law, as Cartman loudly announced his coming out over the school PA system. He claimed he was now dating some super cool guy he met online and that everyone should be jealous. Bebe informed Wendy that she was pretty sure it was just Scott Malkinson but that was never confirmed.

Maybe trying to date Cartman because she thought he was politically unable to become gay had been too presumptive. Who was she to assume someone else’s headspace? So Wendy decided to go with a man who had actively demonstrated his heterosexuality on pretty much all the girls in her grade (and the grades below and above her too). “We’re dating now,” she informed Kenny McCormick after approaching his locker at the beginning of her senior year. He quirked an eyebrow, intrigued. “Alright.” After so many years of threatening him for “flirting with” (aka harassing) her, Wendy knew this development was a shock to both of them. She let Kenny flirt now, though. She would even let him make her late to class so he could feel her up in the bathroom stalls. Wendy was seventeen going on eighteen, practically a fully fledged adult. Plus the valedictorian title was all but hers already. Kenny was unlike any other boyfriend she’d had so far, mostly because he sort of got off on her bossing him around. The others had all begrudgingly put up with it or hated it and refused to listen if she got like that. At first Wendy was put off by Kenny’s boner for her bossiness, but gradually she grew to love that he loved it. It gave her a much-needed confidence boost. They made it all the way to the end of the school year, where Wendy bragged to every single one of her honors classes that she had (of course) made valedictorian. And then that she and Kenny had been crowned prom queen and king. Maybe she shouldn’t have gloated so much, but Kenny was great, she was great, and the sex was great so she didn’t care. Most people learned to ignore it after the first week, but she didn’t stop even as their class waited in their graduation gown. Butters decided to put a stop to it by marching up to Wendy and telling her that he and Kenny hooked up during prom and were continuing to hook up, present tense. Wendy’s Law had claimed another victim. She cried. Kyle had to give the graduation speech instead.

Wendy spent that summer single, supposedly because she was upset about being cheated on and declared she was “through with dating South Park (and generally Colorado) boys”. Truthfully, it was because she knew none of the boys left would date her. Even if they claimed to be confident in their heterosexuality, they were clearly frightened by the power of Wendy’s Law. Everyone from Park County, Colorado knew that Wendy Testaburger only attracted gay guys. Especially once the Craig rumor had come out during a game of “Never Have I Ever” at Bebe’s Fourth of July party

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At one point, she had hoped that college would be a fresh start for her. Berkeley was a fantastic school in a completely different state. No one had even heard of South Park or Wendy Testaburger before, let alone Wendy’s Law. And she did find herself thriving, socially and academically, but something in her had broken. Every time she found herself crushing on a guy, she’d psyched herself out of it by lunch the next day. If a guy came to ask her out, Wendy would blurt out some sort of excuse to avoid going on a date. Her friends told her that it was okay if she was a lesbian. That was the most frustrating part.

In a moment of true drunken desperation, Wendy called the man who had started the whole thing. “Wendy?” Stan answered. “Why are you gay, Stan?” She stared at the clock in her room, telling her that she’d officially been nineteen for two whole hours. “How did I make you gay?” “How did you– sorry, what? Is this about Wendy’s Law?” Stan sighed on the other end of the phone. “Wendy, you always said it yourself– that thing was bullshit.” “But what if it wasn’t?!” Wendy couldn’t help but let a little bit of a sob enter her voice. “What if Wendy’s Law is real and only gay guys love me? And why is it me?” “I have no idea,” Stan said, helpful as ever. “Could you just… give me anything to work with? Please, Stan.” “Seriously, Wendy, I don’t know.” She knew he was doing the thing where he pinched the bridge of his nose. He always did that when he was frustrated. “Maybe… Maybe we all felt comfortable with you for some reason?” “But why me , Stan?” “I think it’s because you have, like, a dude vibe.” “A dude vibe?!” “Yeah! A dude vibe!” Wendy hung up, pissed off at Stan for even suggesting that. She did NOT have a “dude vibe”. She was Wendy Testaburger, #1 feminist, no way could she be a dude. At least, that’s what she’d always told herself. Everything had been so divided in South Park. The boys were the boys and the girls were the girls– they did not mix unless they were dating. And even then, they ended up pretty segregated (perhaps in part due to Wendy’s Law). At Berkeley, however, it was different. Sure most of Wendy’s Intro to Gender Studies class were women, but men made up about a fourth of the class. People who were neither men nor women were in the class too and she found herself drawn to them. Wendy wasn’t stupid, she knew trans and nonbinary people existed before she got to college, but the only one she’d met before was her fourth grade teacher. She was fairly certain he didn’t count. At least, not anymore. And there had been that argument between her and Cartman, where he pretended to be trans in order to get his own bathroom and she pretended too just to call him out on his lie. What if… it wasn’t a petty joke this time?

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