#to sam

(Dear my Kousei,)

It feels weird writing a letter to someone you were just with...

(It doesn't feel weird at all since I always write what I wanted to tell you...)

You're the worst.

(Yes, you are.)

Indecisive. Gullible. Twit.

(Meh. Meh. Meh.)

The first time I ever saw you perform, I was 5 years old. It was at a recital for the piano school I was going to. This awkward, clumsy kid came onto the stage and accidentally hit the piano stool with his butt. It was too funny. He turned to the piano that was way too big for him and the moment he played that first note, I was drawn in.

(The first time I ever saw you, we were six years old, I guess. It was when your family visited here. You were so jolly, always wanted to play, and cool—well this is my eyes. That one moment when you were playing with my dolphin balloon made me become more considerate. Idk maybe because it was you who was playing with it.)

The sound was beautiful, like a 24-colour pallete. The melodies danced.

(The sound of your laugh was contagious.)

The girl next to me started crying. I wasn't expecting that at all.

(Then came my cousin. She sat next to me. That was when I ever told a person I had a crush on you.)

And even so, you gave up the piano. Even though it totally changed other people's lives. You're the worst. Indecisive. Gullible. Twit.

(And even so, you didn't come the next weeks. I think about you sometimes, and I know you were always in my heart. You're quite the worst. Why do you have to make me feel this way?)

When I found out we were in the same middleschool, I was ecstatic. But how would I ever come to talk to you? Maybe I'd hang out at the lunch concession. Instead, I just watched you from afar.

(After years, there was an upcoming activity. I found out you were coming, I was ecstatic. But how would I ever come to talk to you? Maybe I'll just walk straight towards you. Instead, I just watched you from afar.)

I mean. After all. You all seemed to get along so well. There wasn't really any space in there for someone like me.

(I mean. After all. We were just kids the last time we saw each other and you might've forgotten about me. And in your world, there wasn't really any space in there for someone like me, indeed.)

When I was a kid, I had to have an operation and I started having to be at the hospital for regular check-ups. In the first year of middle school, I collapsed and I was admitted over and over. With every visit, I was there for longer and longer. Really, I didn't get to class much in middle school, I spent more time at the hospital. And I knew something was wrong with my body.

(When I haven't seen you at all for how many years, I somehow forgot about you. But someone came. A common friend who started talking about you. I actually don't remember her playing with us. I do not have such memories, really. But she said she was with us so okay. I really only remember us without her. Really, I can't remember anything she was saying.)

One night, I saw my parents crying in the waiting room and I knew that my time was running out.

(One night, I was thinking about what she has said and there, I realized as thoughts flew, you're more than that.)

That's when I ran away.

(That's when I decided to change in a good way.)

I didn't want to bring my regrets with me to heaven, so I stopped holding back from what the things I always wanted to do.

(I didn't want to bring my regrets with me to heaven, so I tried to create small interactions just to talk to you.)

I wasn't scared anymore to get contact lenses.

(I tried watching anime when I found out you like it.)

I ate what I wanted instead of always worrying about my weight.

(I tried watching Star Wars because of you as well—but actually a part of it was because of my father.)

And I took the music with all its high and mighty directives and played it the way I wanted.

(I also found myself continued learning how to play the piano when I saw you holding and playing the violin. And found out, your lie in april is also your favorite.)

And then I told a lie. Just one.

(And then I told a lie. Just one.)

I lied and said that I, Miyazono Kaori, liked Watari Ryouta.

(I lied and said that I can live without you.)

And that lie brought you to me.

(And that lie isn't working at all. I'm still into you.)

Please apologize to Watari for me... though I'm sure he's forgotten me by now.

(Please I apologize for being like this... though I'm sure you don't care about me by now.)

I think I need someone more wholehearted and earnest than him.

(I think I need someone more wholehearted and caring than you.)

I think we'd be fine as friends though.

(I think you and I would be fine as friends.)

And please apologize to Tsubaki for me too.

(And I'd also like to apologize for my close friends who likes you too. I really hate this situation.)

I want for there to be no hard feelings. And there was one thing I could never ask of her, to ask her directly to introduce the two of us.

(I want for there to be no hard feelings. But seems like the situation has gotten worse... because of me, I guess. I wanted to fight and I fought for you. For us. But it was just me. You didn't do anything.)

I don't think she would've had an answer for me.

(I don't think this can be solved without you.)

After all, she was inlove with you.

(After all, we'll get pretty dragged by you.)

We all knew that.

(I don't know if we all knew that. But I do.)

I think the only people who didn't know were you and her.

(I think the only person who didn't know was you.)

That underhanded lie brought me to you didn't work out the way I had imagined.

(That confession brought me to you didn't work out that way I had imagined. What do you say?)

It was darker.

(It was darker.)

And meaner.

(And meaner.)

And denser.

(And denser.)

And more stubborn.

(And more stubborn.)

And more perverted.

(And more boring.)

And softer.

(And softer.)

And more masculine.

(And more considerate.)

And sweet.

(And a little sweet.)

Remember that bridge we jumped off? The water was so cool and refreshing.

(Remember that night we danced? Everything was so beautiful.)

Racing each other alongside the train. I really thought I could win.

(Raising each other's hands, dancing crazily as if it was just us in the hall, smiling to the moon and back, looking at each other's eyes as if we both were waiting for that very moment to happen for a very very long time. I really wanted that moment to last.)

The moon was saw from the music room that night, like a delicious-looking bun.

(The moon was beautiful, and the sun was so bright.)

Singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with you as we rode on that bike together. Then falling out time. We're awful singers.

(Ballroom dancing with you was fun although I think we looked like idiots. We're pretty good dancers though—maybe because we were each other's partner? We're in sync, I suppose. You walked me to my seat, told me that later you'll dance with me again, and walked away with a smile. After seconds, I saw you walking towards me again. I didn't think you would come back and boldly sit next to me and funny how you asked me if you can sit beside me when you were already sitting. Pretty much in awe, I was.)

At the school at night. I'm still sure there was something there.

(That night. I'm sure we both lit the light that something has been finally expressed after a very long time. The way you look said it all. The way your eyes sparkled said it all. The way you held my waist and hand said it all. The way you smile with purity said it all.)

The falling snow, just like cherry blossoms.

(Time has passed; can we go back?)

It's strange to be a musician, but then to have your heart so filled by something that comes from off-stage.

(It's strange to be dancing with you. It feels surreal. The way you walked towards me and offer your hand to dance with me. I totally felt a slow-motion effect.)

They're unforgettable scenes to me. But they're such little things. It's weird, isn't it?

(They're unforgettable scenes to me. But do you also treasure them like I do? It's weird, isn't it?)

What do you think?

(What do you think?)

Do you think I made it into anyone's heart like that?

(Did I make it into your heart?)

I wonder if I made it into yours.

(I really wonder if I made it into yours.)

I wonder if you'll still remember me.

(I wonder if you'll still remember me.)

If you forget me, I'll just come back and...

(If you forget me, I'll just do the same and...)

No, I don't want to start over.

(No, I don't want to start over.)

Please don't forget me.

(Please don't forget me.)

Promise me you won't forget me.

(Promise me you won't forget me.)

I'm glad it was you.

(I'm glad it was you.)

I hope this reaches you, Arima Kousei.

(I hope this reaches you, my Kousei.)

I love you.

(I love you.)

I love you.

(I love you.)

I love you.

(I love you.)

I'm sorry we couldn't eat all those canelés.

(I'm sorry we couldn't have fun with our dream story films.)

I'm sorry I hit you so much.

(I'm sorry I demanded so much.)

I'm sorry I was selfish.

(I'm sorry I was selfish.)

I'm so, so, so, so sorry.

(I'm so, so, so, so, sorry.)

Thank you for everything.

(Thank you for everything.)

Miyazono Kaori

Very happy night yes.