#to mark

I saw a picture of you for the first time in a while yesterday. My cousin found you on tinder, thought it would be funny to send me a screen shot. It threw me off. Your hair was long and your eyes looked empty. I think it was a little while after I left, before you cut your hair. I haven’t seen you in over a year. I still think of you every day. I kept looking at that picture of you. I kept looking in your eyes. I always fell for them. They’re striking blue, always the focus of your face. You looked good besides the loss in your eyes. I hope you don’t still feel like that. Honestly, I don’t. But at the same time, I really just hope you learned that what you did was wrong. How badly you hurt me. How much it still effects my day to day life. My boyfriends life. I’m scared all the time that someone is going to take advantage of me like you did. Walked all over me and kept fighting me whenever I stood up for myself until you won. Well 20 no’s and one “fine” is not really a yes. Every day. For over a year. I was nothing but a hole to you, you even said it yourself. How do I recover from that? How do I get over it? How do I stop picturing what my face must of looked like when I didn’t want to have sex with you and you didn’t care and fucked me while I cried. I can’t get too drunk or fucked up anymore because I can’t stop thinking about how awful it was those weeks when I was on Xanax and was barely conscious while you fucked me. How horrible it felt some mornings when you talked about having sex the night before and I didn’t even remember it because I was too barred out. Well just because you were my boyfriend doesn’t make it right. Just because you wore me down and I got tired of fighting you doesn’t mean I wanted it, and doesn’t make it okay. You need to realize this for the sake of the next girl. Please, have a good life, but stay the fuck away from me and learn how to treat people with respect. You shouldn’t take advantage of the people you love.