#to loki

I almost typed your name as Loko. I guess it's partly true.

I know I've been hesitant to talk to you and I don't even know why.

I guess I'm afraid I won't hear anything back. I'm sure you're busy.

There's definitely enough going on, on earth for you to have your hands full.

I'm struggling with the chaos and the change. I keep trying to remind myself that this chaos won't be constant. That it's hopefully only four years and that it will end eventually.

But how many will have died or suffered?

How many of my trans, immigrant, black, indigenous siblings will die or suffer. How many will no longer exist because of their own doing?

Many did not survive last time.

This one is worse.

I don't want the US to be 1930s Germany but those in power don't care what we want. We tell and scream and unless we continuously, thousands of us, scream at them to stop, then they won't.

They have backed off on some trivial things about day to day life. But then they flop again and say they will do something even worse than they said before.

I am scared. I have certain privileges that are restricted by my being disabled and trans and queer and female assigned. But I will scream with the white citizen mouth that I have. However long that privilege lasts.

I know I probably sound like a broken record from the last time we talked in November. And it's partly true. But it's worse now. And I'm even more scared.

I know I also sound like a twelve year old writing in their diary to a god. That's also partway true. Sometimes it feels like I never grew up. They're still in there. Scared shitless and feeling alone.

I don't know what I expected you to do. I guess I just find comfort in your change, in your chaos, in your ability to turn a situation that is scary into an opportunity. One to possibly turn a page or swing the balance of history back to something brighter.

Since last week I keep finding spiders and bugs in my environment (after way more than a year without them because I had a serious talk with Loki that that’s not cool), but I’m also seeing little tidbits that remind me of him everywhere. Some are subtle, like a craving for a dessert I’ve often offered and shared with him but others are very in my face.

But most of all it’s this nearly restless energy that’s pushing me for changechangechange and not letting people walk over me. Just this week alone I ignored two calls of my mother with absolutely no regrets. And I felt this pleasure and satisfaction around me. 

I’m also opening myself up (or rather being subtly made to open myself up) to work on new spells, to leave my comfort zone, and just do. We’ll deal with the outcome when it comes to that kinda feeling. 

Well, ultimately that’s on you to decide in a way. 

What makes you think it could be Loki? Do you want him to reach out to you? (Even if he is not, why not go first and say hello if you’re interested in working with him?)

You could do some divination (I swear on Tarot for this) to learn more about the energy that’s reaching out to you. 

You could compare the signs you’re noticing and compare them with those that others have received from Loki (although that might differ as much as what kinda offerings he likes from different people, sooo). 

For me, it was full of mischief and posing as another deity because I wasn’t ready to accept Loki. He got jealous though because I was too dumb to understand it was him and his cries for attention got meaner. 

After I understood it was him and did some shadow working to understand why I was so against him as one of my deities and then having an open but stern heart to heart with him? All is well. And chaotic. Gods, is it chaotic at times. Anyway.

You could invite him for a little talk and try to figure out what he thinks of you and if he is actually reaching out to you. Some people do meditation for this, others use divination together with him and let him speak that way (again, to me it’s always Tarot with these kinda things). If you’re working with dreams, you could also go that route and try to get messages that way.

As for background stuff. It depends. You can read the old sagas - but as far as I remember they have been written down way after being told verbally, and with the intention of making them similiar to Christian beliefs (or at least heavily influenced by it?), so his portrayal might not be all that accurate. Can’t remember where I read that though.

There are some essays and musings both here on tumblr, different blogs, and then the nonfictional books. Like always, take every information with a grain of salt...

May I quote myself?

I tried the Norse, but there was no real spark.

In hindsight Loki has been with me from the beginning even though he disguised himself as Hermes (sorry Hermes!) and now I'm working with Lofn, Skadi, and Freyja too. Not only that but I'm gathering more and more books about the Norse pantreon, myths, and practices as well.

No real spark, my ass.