We're currently enrolled in an intensive outpatient program, meaning we've got group therapy 5 days a week, 3 hours a day, for estimated 8 weeks. This is a good thing. However... we started two days ago and we are already facing some challenges.
About two hours after group yesterday, I (Tal) could already not remember most of the three hours. I've identified two reasons for this happening yesterday.
The first is just that I was not the one fronting. Pastel is logged as fronting during that time. Generally, that makes sense as a reason I wouldn't remember something. The difference in this case, and why it's confusing, is that Pastel and I have pretty good communication and memory sharing these days. I haven't had anything close to blackout amnesia with them for a while.
The second reason, which I learned only after discussing my confusion with my partners, is that Sparrow fronted for a bit near the end of the three hours because one of the men in the group caused us to feel unsafe. This does make sense as a reason why I wouldn't remember specifically the end of the group, because unlike Pastel, Sparrow and I do not have incredible memory sharing or communication.
I understand not remembering the end of group. I would even understand my memory of the rest of the time being blurry or patchy. Completely gone though? That is what both confuses and concerns me. These therapy sessions can't do much good if the memory of the sessions continues being locked away. For the record, I don't think Pastel intended to not share the memories. I don't think they even know how to do that intentionally, and neither do I.
Luckily, Pastel, being awesome and having dealt with this issue as the host all through high school, is in the habit of taking very thorough notes. I may not remember the group, but I have the notes so I at least know what kinds of topics were addressed and what Pastel's thoughts on them and takeaways were.
In general I don't like to complain about something without at least trying to find a solution or a way to work around it, so the plan of action for today is taking our anxiety meds before the group. This will make it less likely that Pastel will front for the duration of the 3 hours, so if this really is an issue of the communication between me and Pastel, that will open the possibility for someone to front who I do have good communication with, or even for me to front. Regardless, we'll continue taking notes.