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Occasionally I'll get the feeling of phantom wings and it drives me bonkers, especially when I feel like they're interacting with my surroundings
I lean back in my chair - wings get squashed I walk down the stairwell - wings drag on the walls I walk past a corner - owchie I caught my wing on the corner
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Systems we have got to stop going "your interpretation of this character is wrong bc we have an introject of them so we know what they're actually like"
Introjects are a specific brain's interpretation of a person, and even if a system has an introject of the same source, they're going to have a different version of them than you do. You do not have the ultimate say in the interpretation of a character just because a version of them exists as part of you.
We're currently enrolled in an intensive outpatient program, meaning we've got group therapy 5 days a week, 3 hours a day, for estimated 8 weeks. This is a good thing. However... we started two days ago and we are already facing some challenges.
About two hours after group yesterday, I (Tal) could already not remember most of the three hours. I've identified two reasons for this happening yesterday.
The first is just that I was not the one fronting. Pastel is logged as fronting during that time. Generally, that makes sense as a reason I wouldn't remember something. The difference in this case, and why it's confusing, is that Pastel and I have pretty good communication and memory sharing these days. I haven't had anything close to blackout amnesia with them for a while.
The second reason, which I learned only after discussing my confusion with my partners, is that Sparrow fronted for a bit near the end of the three hours because one of the men in the group caused us to feel unsafe. This does make sense as a reason why I wouldn't remember specifically the end of the group, because unlike Pastel, Sparrow and I do not have incredible memory sharing or communication.
I understand not remembering the end of group. I would even understand my memory of the rest of the time being blurry or patchy. Completely gone though? That is what both confuses and concerns me. These therapy sessions can't do much good if the memory of the sessions continues being locked away. For the record, I don't think Pastel intended to not share the memories. I don't think they even know how to do that intentionally, and neither do I.
Luckily, Pastel, being awesome and having dealt with this issue as the host all through high school, is in the habit of taking very thorough notes. I may not remember the group, but I have the notes so I at least know what kinds of topics were addressed and what Pastel's thoughts on them and takeaways were.
In general I don't like to complain about something without at least trying to find a solution or a way to work around it, so the plan of action for today is taking our anxiety meds before the group. This will make it less likely that Pastel will front for the duration of the 3 hours, so if this really is an issue of the communication between me and Pastel, that will open the possibility for someone to front who I do have good communication with, or even for me to front. Regardless, we'll continue taking notes.
Breaking news: new study (a tiktok commenter) finds evidence (their opinion) that doing things that make it possible for you to function day to day is actually bad and selfish!
Saw a post about favorite planets and apparently multiple folks in-sys have Opinions
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Walking up the sidewalk to our house, there's bushes and plants overhanging it and poking into the way a bit. The kind of thing that's easy enough to just duck around. But I can feel them brush against my wings when I walk past, I can feel the scratchiness of the branches and I can feel leaves get stuck between my feathers. I can shake out my shoulders and feel my wings shaking with them, dislodging the leaves, but it's a temporary solution. It's not thorough. The leaves will be there again next time I walk past the bushes, and I'm not able to properly groom my wings. So I have to settle for shaking out my shoulders.
Sometimes I go "people see us as tiktokers first and foremost and that's no fun" and then I remember we brought this on ourselves lol
littles CANNOT consent. end of story. I can't believe this is actually something people are still arguing on tiktok
