i want a partner that gaslights me about my fertility. who will watch me do my t shot and do a low hum of disapproval. i'll ask them what their deal is and they'll go, "oh, nothing. it's just bad for the baby."
when i tell them that there is no baby, that i have an IUD, they just shrug and go on with whatever they're doing, as if they're unconvinced but find it more important to keep me happy.
a partner that negs me about drinking, too, but ultimately won't stop me. when my friends ask about their weird behavior, have to wave it away as just one of their quirks, as if it hasn't made me compulsively start taking pregnancy tests, just to make sure. negative, negative...they're always negative.
and i’m trying not to unpack why that's making me feel less relieved, and more disappointed as time goes on.
a partner that treats any bit of nausea or other mundane off-feeling i go through as proof that i'm pregnant. a partner that cums inside me nearly daily--sometimes i wake up with it leaking out of me--as if they're hoping that somehow it'll stick. a partner that spoons me in bed and rubs my lower belly like i'm already carrying their baby in my womb. they kiss my neck and whisper in my ear that i'll be such a good dad, and that's when i hit my breaking point. i turn around, blushing and furious, and tell them that if they don't stop this delusional bullshit i'll leave them. they don't even look fazed by this--instead, they just say:
"do you really want our baby to be a bastard?"
fuck. i can tell from the look on their face that they know how their words make me burn up inside. i'm glaring at them, but it's my last line of defense. they know i'll never leave. after all...
"you can always safeword, babe. you can tap out. but you haven't. not once."
i'll shut them up by straddling them and making them sorry they ever teased me--even if it's exactly what i wanted.
