#tmpask

Hey, I wanted to get you both sides of a relationship between a cis person and a trans person, so I first asked my partner Will (journeyintomanhood.tumblr.com) what he thought: "I would say the sooner the better, because if you are wanting a future with someone they’re going to need to know. That being said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just casually dating and getting to know someone for a while and not telling them. You have to weigh any dysphoria you may have, especially if you are getting physical with someone - you want to be comfortable enough to fully explain how you are feeling. Whatever is feeling right to you is probably the right time, as unhelpful as that is." From my own partner POV, I think that if you’re just dating casually it’s okay to just do what makes you feel safest and most comfortable. I think if you want something long term, though, telling them early on will be better. That being said - again, you are not obligated to just tell someone straight up the first time you hang out if you don’t feel comfortable doing so! I strongly believe that partners need to earn their other partners’ trust. 

Ohhh man this is a biggie. 

Alright, let me roll up my sleeves and dive in. 

First of all, I’m not a professional. I also don’t have a hell of a lot to go on here, so just keep in mind I’m going to try to do my best.

If you fight all the time, even though you love and respect and care for each other, I’m going to guess there are some underlying issues you both may have. 

I’m not going to say you should immediately dump his ass and move on. 

I think it would be healthy for the both of you to get counselling, separately and/or apart - and if he is uncomfortable with that, at least get yourself some trained professional’s help and advice. 

Take some space and time away from him. Not a break, not even a week on your own. Just… very quietly take a day or two a week to be with other people, or to be by yourself. To think about something or someone else for a little while, and hopefully get a little perspective. 

Everyone goes through rough patches, but if the rough patch goes on and on and on - then it’s not a rough patch. It’s a pattern. And to break out of a pattern, you have to change something. 

What changes is up to you. 

I’m always here if you need any more advice, anon. 

Hey there! This is a really awesome question, and I’m glad you brought it up. I’ve been trolling the MTF tag looking for partner blogs, and the only one I’ve found so far is:

http://loveknowsnotgender.tumblr.com/

(A little bit of potentially problematic language in the description, just a heads up.)

Does anyone know of any blogs for partners of mtf trans* partners? If you send them in, I can put them together into one post.

(EDIT: I’ve been poking around and found a couple more general support blogs for partners of trans*individuals.

http://soffasupport.tumblr.com/

http://gfsandbfsoftrans.tumblr.com/)

Hey there! You get major points for realizing what’s going on - and for wanting to talk it out with her.

There are two ways to kind of “set up” a conversation:

consciously make the decision to invite her to hang out and talk to her while you are hanging out

just let it come up organically by setting up a safe space for you both to talk

Honestly, it can be easier to just write it out. I’m not suggesting it as the best alternative, but if you’re having trouble talking it out, try to just write how you feel - but to make sure it won’t send by accident when you’re halfway done, try writing it out on real life paper. It’s not a way to avoid talking about it in person, but it can be the easier way to start a conversation. If you’re in person, and you’re just talking about random things, and there’s a pause in the conversation, and you feel safe (nervous, maybe but safe,) just dive in. It’ll be really nerve-wracking for a minute, but odds are it will feel so much better when you’ve talked it out. Just put it out there: “I need to talk to you about something, it’s not a huge deal but…” or “So you’ve probably noticed things can get a little odd when we’re making out….”Tell her what you told me: that you feel emotionally safe with her, and you’re really into her, but physical stuff is panicking you for some reason. If she’s noticed, then odds are she’s been trying to figure out how to talk about it too.

If physical stuff is freaking you out, try slowing down. I know it can be frustrating, but being intimate with a partner is (I’m going to get cheesy, I’m sorry but there’s no other waaaay) a journey. And it’s okay to take as long or short a time on your way as you wish. And if you don’t want to, it’s okay to not get very physical - ever.

Relationships are what you make them - if that’s 80% just hanging out and 20% sex, and you’re both cool with that, that’s fine.

Awesome awesome.

Ohhhh man. That is a horrendously uncomfortable situation. 

Well, if he honestly doesn’t want you to correct them, I don’t know if there’s much else you can do.

I personally struggle with this situation occasionally, and beyond putting a very pointed but sweet “and gentleman!” out there, I’ve found there’s not a heck of a lot to do without making it at least a tiny issue.