#tlou ff

Had life been any different, Joel would probably not be in this position.

He had lost everything he held dear. His very reason for living. He could not wrap his head around the fact that Sarah was gone. Truly gone. He could still feel the mud under his fingernails ― his vain attempt to undo the work Tommy had put into digging Sarah’s grave.

It still felt unreal. His baby girl was six feet under, just a few yards away from him. But in his mind, he was still hugging her closely against his chest, feeling her warmth. Tommy had tried to console him, but there were no words in any human language that could sooth his broken heart, so his brother left to run the perimeter and give him some space.

The last few days were like a whirlpool of pain and tears ― agony filling up his lungs, constricting his throat. Joel could not remember the last time he had cried, but he had done so many times in the last seventy-two hours. He could not contain his own emotion any longer. Such torment was too overwhelming. A father was not supposed to bury his own daughter.

It was thanks to his brother that he had been able to put his Sarah to rest. After hell broke loose in Austin and that damn official had shot at them, Joel could not bring himself to recall what had happened afterwards. From what Tommy had told him, they ran for as long as they could ― Joel still holding onto Sarah’s lifeless body. His brother was able to secure a vehicle and they drove out of the city to avoid any more unwanted encounters.

That was how they got to Sam Houston National Forest. Under normal circumstances, they would have gotten there in under three hours, but it took them almost three days. Sarah loved that nature reserve. They would vacation nearby in the summertime when Joel’s schedule was clear of contracting jobs. Sarah, always full of life, would push her dad down the hiking trail, giggling, teasing him and his old knees.

Paralysed by fear, pain and guilt, Joel had only been able to watch as Tommy put a shovel to the ground and started digging. He only snapped out of his stupor when his brother murmured something as he kneeled before him to take Sarah away from his arms. Joel could not comprehend what Tommy was doing until the younger Miller put Sarah in the hole. That was when he had completely lost it.

It had been hours and Joel had not moved yet. His back against a pine tree, hands on his lap. His eyes fixated on his daughter’s tomb. Tommy had fashioned a cross with wood branches to mark the grave, wildflowers surrounding it despite being September. The contrast between the blooming wildlife and Sarah’s burial pit was gut-wrenching. So much that Joel had to close his eyes to stop them from watering once more.

Tommy had assured him this dreadful feeling would lessen with time ― maybe even go away. Joel had just looked at him blankly in disbelief. He very much doubted it. There was no way he could feel his heart beating again when it had been ripped out of his chest. Emptiness eating him up, nothingness taking over his soul, dread engulfing his senses. There was no coming back from this.

Truthfully, he could not see the point anymore. The world was ending anyway, why postpone the inevitable? Joel was sure that he would only burden Tommy ― in this state of mind, he was not going to be able to protect anyone, let alone his brother. In fact, he would just guide him to his death, the same way he had led Sarah to hers.

Joel opened his eyes and looked down. Tommy had left a gun on the ground to his right while he patrolled the surrounding area, in case he was interrupted and in need of protecting himself. What he was thinking about doing could be considered as “protecting himself” ― from his own thoughts, his own breathtaking pain.

His right hand wrapped around the grip of the gun while his index finger slid towards the trigger. As Joel put the gun to his right temple, his eyes locked on the makeshift wooden cross. He hoped he could be reunited with Sarah in Heaven, God knew he had tried his best in this life and had still failed. It was not enough. He was not enough.

Joel took a deep breath, eyes closed, and pulled the trigger.

Houston was in shambles. You just barely escaped that godforsaken city and made it to the closest nature reserve you could think of. It was the best idea, you thought, as people would be scarce in the midst of nature. So, you walked and walked, until you came across two men who had set up camp off the main trail. You kept to the shadows, not knowing if you should trust them or not.

The youngest one left a few minutes after your arrival, so you adjusted your position in order to not be seen. From there, you could have a better look at the older guy, who seemed rather defeated, sat on the ground, his back resting against a tree. His eyes bare, his face completely blank. You assumed his crushed expression was because of the events of the last few days.

Or, at least, that was what you thought until you spotted the improvised grave in front of him.

Tears welled up, gathering at the rims of your eyelids. You knew that feeling damn too well. Not only the outbreak, but life had also taken some very important people from you. The feeling of loss ― you perfectly understood how hard it could hit.

But you could not reminisce about old times, not now, when your own life was hanging by a thread. You were alone in this world, and you knew how fucking dangerous that would be for a woman. Human nature scared you more than some goddamn virus.

So you were lingering. You saw those two men, and you pondered your options. Something was telling you that you could trust them ― if you could trust anyone while the world was ending.

You came closer, making sure you did not make a noise. That was when you saw the raw emotion painted on his worn-out face. There was something about him that drew you in. His gloomy look spoke of hurt, but also danger.

And then you also saw his hand holding a gun to his temple.

You just acted ― without any concern for your own safety.

“NO!”, a painful shriek left your mouth as you ran towards him, your knees skidding through the dirt as you stopped by his side.

You wrapped both of your hands around his wrist, trying to pull the gun away from him, when the shot went off with a loud bang. It grazed the skin on his temple and blood started to pool on the fresh wound.

“Oh, shit”, you said breathlessly, pressing the palm of your hand against the gash to stop the bleeding.

His brown eyes focused on you, a mixture of shock and disappointment.

After what felt like an eternity losing yourself in those irises, he mumbled:

“Why?”

You tried to talk, but the words would not leave your tongue.

“I…”, you started to explain yourself, but was quickly interrupted.

“What the heck was that?!”

You looked up and spotted the second man, the one you saw walking away a few minutes earlier, running towards you ― rifle on hand, pointing at you.

Blood rushed out of your face. Was that how you were going to die after all?

She walked across town that afternoon with purpose in her step and dread in her throat. She didn't want to be in Joel's house. She wanted to be as far away from anything Joel Miller related as she could but right now, she didn't have that option.

Because all of this sucked. But it wasn't just for her it sucked. It sucked for Ellie too.

Cass knocked on the door quickly before she could chicken out. The door creaked open. Ellie stood there, rubbing her eyes, she looked tired, "Hi," Cass smiled weakly.

Ellie stepped to the side and let Cass in. Cass tried to not think about the one and only time she stepped into the Miller residence, "Want a drink?" Ellie asked as she moved to the kitchen. Cass declined. Ellie poured herself water and took a sip, "What can I do for you?"

"I wanted to apologise." Cass's heart was beating fast in her chest.

Ellie frowned, "For what?"

"For... everything. For being a mess. For almost leaving. For causing this." She swallowed, "It's my fault Joel left. He's running because he's scared of letting me in. I've been selfish because he didn't just leave me, he left you as well and I'm sorry."

Ellie watched her for a few seconds before she shrugged, "It's not your fault." When Cass pulled a face and went to speak, Ellie cut over her, "I mean, yeah he is running because of his feelings but that's not your fault. You didn't force him to fall for you or kiss you. You didn't make him feel what it is he's feeling... And you sure as hell didn't make him run, Cass. That's all him."

The pair were quiet, taking in the words Ellie said. It was Cass that spoke eventually, "Do you think he'll come back?"

Ellie nodded, "Yeah... Dunno when but yeah."

"Why?"

"He's got a tendency to do this. Freak out and run. He tried to abandon me here shortly after we came to Jackson. The thought of letting me in, treating me like his... When shit gets real, Joel gets scared. He didn't abandon me. Tried and then came back. He won't be gone long when his heart is still in Jackson."

"So you don't hate me?"

Ellie rolled her eyes, a ghost of a smile on her lips, "Nah, course not. You're my bud, Cass. I'm worried about him but I know he can hold his own and I also know that he'll be back. He promised."

Cass didn't ask anything else. Instead, the two sat in a comfortable silence for a while longer. She felt lighter; happier. Knowing Ellie didn't hate her, knowing Ellie believed he would come back caused a little spark of hope to ignite in her stomach.

She left Joel and Ellie's a while later. In her pocket, her fingertips danced over the note again. It didn't feel as heavy anymore.

Joel tightened his grip on the reins as his horse trudged through the mud, hooves sloshing in spring runoff. The wind wasn't harsh but it cut through the stillness with an eerie kind of clarity. The trees didn't care. They didn't care about regret, or mistakes, or about how far a man had to ride before the ache behind his ribs stopped clawing.

All Joel could hear was her.

He hadn't heard her voice in days but it didn't matter. It lived in his head now. The way she'd say his name - soft and like it meant something. The way she'd called after him once, weeks ago, when he brushed past her like she didn't matter. He hadn't turned. Couldn't. Would've broken if he had.

The stables. That damn kiss.

He closed his eyes for a beat. Tipped his head back, rain dripping from the rim of his hat, and exhaled all the air he had in his lungs. Why had he done it? When he knew that he wouldn't allow himself to love her like she needed to be loved. She was too young. Too good. Too everything. And Joel... Joel was a graveyard in a man's body. Wrecked from the years of loss. She deserved someone who believed in more than just surviving.

Ryan. Ryan could give her that.

He thought the note might help her. Might give her enough closure and finally put her on a different path, towards someone better. But even as he wrote it, his hands had shaken. And now? Now all he wanted to do was ride back and tear the damn thing up.

As he looked up to the darkening sky, it hit him that he was scared. Not of the infected. Not even of death. He was scared of going back. Terrified of seeing her face when she realised he'd left the note to wash his hands of her. That he'd abandoned her like she meant nothing.

Sarah, Tess, Ellie, Cass.

How many women did he have to push away before it sunk in that he was the problem?

Joel hadn’t slept in… hell, he didn’t know how long. Three days? Four?

His knuckles were split from a fall the day before, his shoulder ached from the last skirmish, and his goddamn boots were soaked straight through. The rain hadn’t let up since he left Jackson’s borders. The world was grey, drenched, and slick with mud. Every time his horse stepped wrong, Joel’s jaw locked tighter.

He hadn’t spoken in days. Not even to the mare beneath him. Just grunts. No one to talk to. Just his thoughts. And they were loud.

Cass’s laugh. The way she would lean her head back and laugh loudly when something really caught her off guard. The feel of her asleep in his arms. The look in her eyes when he kissed her in that damn barn. And worse - the one she’d given him when he shut it all down after. The hurt. The confusion. The disappointment. Joel blinked hard and rubbed a hand over his face. His beard was damp. Cold.

He was a coward.

Not for leaving Jackson. But for not saying goodbye. For the note - short and stiff and sharp-edged. For pretending he didn’t want her. He did. God, he did. But she deserved better. Better than a man who couldn’t sleep. Better than a man who still sometimes jolted awake convinced he’d lost Ellie again. Better than a man twenty years older with more ghosts than he knew how to carry.

So he rode. And rode.

Until the guilt numbed him out.

Until it got dangerous.

He was south of an old gas station when he saw the infected. Two of them. Clickers. Shambling but quick-footed.

Normally, this would’ve been easy. Knife to the base of the skull. Silent. Clean. But Joel hesitated. Just a second. His hand trembled.

Stupid.

By the time he raised the rifle, one had already caught scent. Snapped its head toward him with that jerking, unnatural movement. Then it screamed.

Joel backed up too fast - slipped in the wet grass. Landed hard. Pain lanced through his hip. The gun skidded down the incline. Out of reach.

He cursed. Drew his hunting knife. Too late. The first clicker was already on top of him, teeth chomping through the air, inches from his throat. His arms strained to keep its jaws away. Spit hit his cheek. Foul breath filled his nose. The second infected barrelled closer.

Joel grunted. Pushed. But his muscles were failing.

His strength was giving out.

And for one horrible second, he believed that he was going to die.

He closed his eyes and all he could think about was her.

Cass.

Her eyes, her voice. Her laugh. All of it slipping through his fingers. He was going to die. And he’d never told her.

Never told her he loved her.

And just like that, something in him snapped.

Rage, raw and hot, surged through his limbs. Joel shouted, twisted his arm, brought the knife up hard under the jaw. Drove it home.

The clicker collapsed on top of him with a gurgle.

The second was nearly there.

Joel kicked the corpse off, scrambled to his feet, blood smeared across his neck. He snatched up the gun, braced, and fired twice. The infected dropped mid-charge.

Silence. Rain.

Joel stood, panting. Shoulders heaving. Knees shaking. He stared at the unmoving corpses.

And then he said it aloud, voice breaking open: “… I love her.”

The rain picked up. He dropped the rifle to his side and closed his eyes. For the first time in days - maybe weeks - he felt something that wasn’t fear or shame. Resolve. He turned. Climbed onto the horse. Blood on his jacket. Mud on his knees. He didn’t care. He had to get back.

To Jackson.

To her.

He didn’t know what he’d say, or how he’d explain it, or if she’d even look at him without hate in her eyes. But he would show her that he wasn’t running anymore. And if she let him - just maybe - he could be the man she saw when she looked at him.

He kicked the horse into a gallop.

Cass was waiting.

You sighed at the memory, a fresh wave of confidence hitting you as you began to walk faster to the barn. You were about to prove yourself. Find supplies and bring them back. Though Joel would never admit it, the three of you had been struggling. Food had become sparce and most of the towns you had come by had already been raided. You, well, Joel, had checked everywhere. Everywhere but-

The barn. You could see it, red, deteriorating wood inviting you to explore. Your stomach dropped slightly at the sight of it, but you shook it off; this was perhaps your only chance to prove to the man you could be useful.

Your pace sped up, feet carrying you faster to the large building as you clasped the knife you’d taken from Joel’s stash. He would kill you if he found out. Whilst you truly sucked at shooting, you had little experience in hand-to-hand combat. You prayed the time you spent watching the pair had imparted some wisdom to you.

The door loomed over you, the early morning sun making a huge shadow cast onto the ground. You shivered, nerves overtaking the confidence as if it had never been there at all. But then you remembered all the time Ellie had defended you from Joel’s comments. All the times in which Joel himself had shot an Infected to save your life. You had to repay them by finding something, a stash of ammunition, maybe a few tins of food, medicine.

But more than that, you had to prove yourself. Had to prove you were worth saving all the times they had saved you.

You had remembered seeing a gap where a window once was, haybarns underneath it to form a boost up. You ran round the building, and once you located it, you began to make your way through. It was dark inside, you could already tell, but the sun seeping through the cracks in the wood made it so that you would not be completely submerged by the darkness.

You didn’t leave yourself time to hesitate as you climbed through the gap, careful not to fall too harshly on the ground. Instead, you lowered yourself slowly, holding your breath as your feet hit the floor. You wanted to celebrate, but realised quickly you had no reason to yet; the easy part was over.

Your eyes adjusted to the dark of the barn fairly quickly, thanks to all the nights you had spent outside, Joel’s harsh but necessary rules of no light so as to not attract any Raiders rendering helpful.

The barn was messy, left hastily no doubt by its owners, or others who came to see its contents. That worried you- if others had been here, surely nothing would be left. But your doubts were paused as you spotted a glistening from a shelf. You rushed over to it, careful to keep quiet in case Joel was around the area, and equally careful not to trip on any debris.

You could’ve cried when you realised what it was- tins. Tins of beans and some soups and various labels. You began stuffing them into your bag, not too bothered by the clinking they made until you heard it.

Click click click.

Your heart dropped to the floor, your body freezing in absolute fear as you realised what you’d heard. You suddenly could not remember a single thing Joel had said about clickers, about how to kill one, about to use the knife. All you could do was stay still, silent, trying desperately to control your breathing, and the tears stinging your eyes.

Click click click.

It sounded closer. The barn was big, the sound probably echoed. But you had no idea where it was coming from. You couldn’t see anywhere in the dark, nor could you hear anything but the clicker and your heartbeat thumping against your chest. You were terrified it could hear it too.

You stayed still, trying to calm yourself as you assessed your options. You could run. Take off back the way you came and not stop running until you reached the house. You realised that in your haste, you hadn’t put anything under the ledge. No, you wouldn’t be able to pull yourself back up, not quietly anyway.

You could hide. Somewhere, anywhere in the barn. There were stary haybarns, cupboards, and bits of equipment left and broken. But that would make noise. And the clicker wasn’t going anywhere.

You were trapped. And it hit you all at once, that this is what Joel was worried about, that he was right… that you were probably already dead.

Click click click.

And then you could see it. It had been in the depths of the barn somewhere and you realised that it had probably been trapped here for some time. That it had probably wrecked the barn, not Raiders like you had thought. Your eyes widened in fear, your brain screaming at you. It took everything in you not to scream.

You could fight.

You had a knife. You could sneak up on it, stab it, kill it and make your way out. It felt like your best option. With shaky hands, you carefully pulled the weapon from your pocket, watching the clicker stalk through the barn.

The large front door of the barn wasn’t far from you. You could make it in running distance, open it, with the hope it wasn’t jammed or too heavy, shut it after you and leave it trapped or dead. But there was no way you could do any of that silently. You had to kill it. You had to fight.

The clicker pauses a few feet away from you and you grimace. Fighting the urge to be sick. You raise the knife, ignoring the stab of your heart in your chest, the voice in your head screaming that your already dead, that you let them both down. But that they would be better off without you.

And then you were running, knife raised, cans clinking in your bag. The clicker spun around, screeching, the sound making your blood curl in horror as you let out a shriek. You stabbed the knife into the side of its neck, making it recoil in hurt. You attempted to retrieve it but failed, deciding instead to run to the door.

You could hear the clicker regain itself, knocking through debris, hitting everything in its path as you ran. You couldn’t stop the wails leaving your mouth.

You reached the door, attempting to push it open but realising something was stopping it. “Fuckfuckfuck.” You repeated under your breath, very aware the clicker was a moment away from you. You pushed harder, screaming, realising this was it.

You thought of Ellie. Of her jokes that made you snort. Of the long talks you shared when Joel was searching for food. You would miss her.

And you thought of Joel. Of his hard stare, expression impossible. You thought of the moments where his eyes softened for the first time, when you had shared a story of your past and he realised what you’d been through. And you thought of the first time he had kissed you. Or the first time he held you. And every moment since.

You held your breath, time slowing, as you gave up, eyes squeezing shut as you could hear the clicker bounding toward you…

And then you were falling. You heard a gunshot, two, three, ears ringing as light flooded your eyes. So, this was death. It was cold and smelt like dirt.

It didn’t take you long to realise you were not dead. Especially when large hands were pulling you harshly to your feet. Your heavy breathing matched Joel’s, his face twisted in an expression you had never seen before. You looked to where the clicker was dead on the ground, to where the door had been opened from the outside, to where Ellie was stood watching, mouth agape.

And then you looked back at Joel. His eyes were scanning your face, down to your hands, even your feet. “Were you bit?” His voice was harsh, a strained whisper as he held onto your arms so tight, that you could already feel the bruises forming.

“I-I don’t… I don’t think so. Joel-” He let go instantly, and you stumbled back, rubbing the skin he was holding.

“What were you thinking?” He was quiet, eerily so, and your blood ran cold.

“I just, I wanted to help.” You remembered the food you found and took your bag off your shoulder, “I found this-”

“I don’t give a fuck what you found.” He had ripped the bag from you and thrown it onto the ground. Ellie was already grabbing it. “Do you have any idea what could’ve happened? DO YOU?” He shouted now, and your heart leapt.

“I-”

“You almost fuckin’ died. Do you understand? Huh?”

“I know but I didn’t! And I actually found something-”

“You could’ve died. Don’t care about what you found if it costed you your life. You disobeyed a direct order, and you nearly died cause of it. I knew you couldn’t handle it. Pathetic.” The word was whispered but it bit you like venom. You felt your bottom lip tremble slightly, bringing a hand up to your mouth to stop anything else. Joel was already turning away from you, shaking his head in disgust. Muttering to himself as he walked away, back to the house. You let your body fall to the ground with exhaustion.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, your okay. You did good, okay? Look at this shit, you got food, and I’m fucking starving.” Ellie attempted to cheer you up, hand squeezing your shoulder. “C’mon, let’s get back, yeah?”

You shook your head, looking up at her. “He hates me.” Your voice was smaller than it had ever been, and Ellie shook her head.

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s just pissed cause he cares. He wants you to be safe. Hey, so do I. And you are, so he’ll get over it.”

“He’s never looked at me like that before.” You whispered, wiping your eyes on the sleeve of your top. “He hates me.” Ellie joined you on the floor, wrapping her arms around you in a hug. She said nothing else, not until you were ready to stand. You both made your way back to the house.

 Joel didn’t resurface all day. Ellie had done a wonderful job at distracting you, had even managed to make you smile, before ordering you too have a wash- “Your dirty and you kinda smell after, you know, running from a fucking clicker.”

You did, cold water hitting your body as you scrubbed the dirt from your skin. You watched as it dripped down the drain, a reminder of the events from the day. You should’ve felt refreshed, clean. Instead, you felt rotten.

Dusk had begun to set in, and you had hardly spoke since being back. You were sat at the table, knees to your chest, as Ellie handed you some food. “Here, eat this. And don’t say no, I’ll be pissed.” You forced a smile, taking a bite from the sludge in the bowl and thanking her. “You thirsty? I could get you some water if you want.” You sighed, putting your legs down and looking at her. She looked concerned, and you felt a wave of guilt wash over you.

“I’m sorry, Ellie. I shouldn’t have snuck out and I shouldn’t have left you and-”

“Hey, I can handle myself. I’m not mad that you left.”

“But-”

“You took a risk and got us food. And you are safe. Sooo, nothing bad really happened, yeah?” You opened your mouth to talk again but she stopped you, “And before you mention Joel, he’s fine. I’m sure he’s just having a moment and then he’ll be back and ready to talk to you.”

“Okay, okay. Thanks, kid. Means a lot.” Ellie grinned, reaching over to pinch your cheek and you chuckled.

“Would’ve been pissed if you did die, though. I know you don’t think so, but we both need you. Who else would actually laugh at my jokes?” You chuckled, genuinely, squeezing her hand.

“Thank you, Ellie.” You carried on talking, and you were almost distracted when the door clicked open. You jumped, spinning around to see Joel. He didn’t even look your way, ignoring you completely, slamming the door shut so that its echo reached your ears, and stomping up the stairs. You swallowed harshly, turning to look at Ellie whose lips were pursed awkwardly.

“Sooo… I lied, he’s still mad. But he’ll get over it.” You sighed, burying your face in your hands, attempting to hide your emotion from the poor girl, not wanting her to have to calm you down again.

You made sure Ellie was in her room for the night before deciding to face Joel. You were sure he was in the room you were sharing, the door only slightly ajar, Joel’s trick to still hear if anything was happening.

You almost didn’t want to see him. The guilt was eating away at you, the image of his face, his words, scarred into your brain. You had never seen him so angry, so disgusted. It made your stomach churn.

You inhaled deeply, squeezing back the tears, shuffling in place. And then you pushed open the door, slowly, quietly.

He was lying on his side on top of the covers, face hidden from your view. As if he knew you would come in and he didn’t want to see you. you were still a moment, frown tugging your lips down, eyes already watery. He hadn’t acknowledged your presence, and if he knew you were there, he pretended he didn’t.

You wanted to speak but found words failing you. Instead, you walked to the opposite side of the bed. You hovered for a moment, watching his chest rise and fall, the only sign he was alive. You so desperately wanted to reach out to him. Wanted to curl up in his arms and fall asleep forever. But you stopped yourself.

The bed dipped as you sat on the edge of it, the mattress squeaking. If Joel was awake, he would surely know of your presence. You were sure he was, eyes open, a scowl on his face as he refused to look at you. A part of you wanted to turn the other way, too.

But you kept staring at his back. Willing him to wake up, to talk to you. You hated going to sleep with any bad blood between you, in fear one of you would not wake up. You eventually gave up, lying back on the bed with a sigh. You had left a considerable distance between the two of you, ensuring your bodies were separate enough that he wouldn’t feel corrupted by your presence.

You thought about how, even though you hadn’t died, perhaps you had lost Joel. The thought made you choke on a sob you had been repressing, hating crying, especially in front of Joel. But you couldn’t help it as they tumbled from your lips. Instead, you buried your face in your pillow, muffling the sounds as much as you could.

Beside you, Joel tensed. He knew you were there before you even opened the door. He could always feel you, like a part of himself.

He had sensed you were in danger before Ellie had found him. He was about to scold her for coming outside when she told him you were gone. He went into survival mode, knowing instantly where you had gone. He hadn’t run as fast as he had in years, avoiding trees and scaffolding to make it to the barn.

He heard a clatter and was there. The door was jammed, making him huff as Ellie readied the gun. When he heard you scream, he felt a new feeling rise inside of him, and he suddenly pulled the door open, and there you were. Ellie had shot the clicker dead before either of you had time to run.

You were terrified, he could see. You were trembling, eyes scouring your surroundings. He gripped you tightly, unsure of whether he was dreaming. Unsure of if he had lost you, that his worst fears had come true.

“Were you bit?” You had said no, and he saw red. Worry becoming anger as he let go of you. He was vaguely aware of what he was saying but he couldn’t care, not right now. Not when he was so close to losing you over something so stupid. 

He didn’t look back as he left.

He could hear you crying now. Could hear the choked sobs leaving your body, though muffled in a poor attempt of being silenced by a pillow. He didn’t dare look. Knowing that if he did, he would break.

But your shaky breathing and sniffling got to him. And his anger resolved into worry again, before breaking into something more. He turned over, bed creaking and dipping as he did, taking in your tearstained cheeks, your puffy eyes. You were the epitome of pain. Emotional, saddened pain.

And then his hand was reaching out for you. You flinched slightly, not noticing how he was now facing you. His face was stoic still. Not completely ready to forgive, but his hand had met your waist, and he was tugging you forward slightly. “C’mere.” You heard him mutter and it was enough reassurance for you.

You sobbed freely as soon as your face met his chest, hands clutching at his shirt in desperation to feel him closer. He shushed you gently, rubbing your back with his rough palms, feeling a lump rise in his own throat. It took you a while to calm down. Your tears had soaked his shirt and your own, but they eventually ceased, breath shaky as you stayed still.

When you trusted your voice enough to speak again, you broke the silence of the room with a hiccup of, “I’m so sorry.” Joel shut his eyes, tensing slightly.

“Don’t do that.” You sniffled, releasing the grip you had on his shirt, and wiping at your eyes. “Don’t need’ta apologise, not right now.”

“Do you h-hate me now?” Your voice was so small that Joel strained to hear, but he did, and he grunted softly.

“No.”

“But you're angry at me.” Joel sighed, gently shuffling away from your body so that he could face you.

“Yes.” Your lip quivered and he lifted his thumb to trace it. “How could I not be? You were almost killed.”

“I know-”

“You don’t.” his voice was harsh again, and he dropped his hand, moving to sit up completely. “You have no idea what would’ve happened if you…” His head dropped into his hands as he sighed again, deeply. “Can’t lose you, too.” Your heart dropped as you realised the extent of the fear he must’ve gone through. He had trusted again, after all these years, he had opened his heart to you, and you’d almost broken it.

You sat up after him, hands going to rest in his lap as you craved to be close to him again. “You didn’t lose me.”

“But I nearly did. If I can’t protect you, both of you… then what the fuck am I?”

“Joel, you do protect me. But I didn’t listen to you because-” You hesitated, Joel could tell. 

“Why?” Joel asked and you suddenly felt silly.

“Because you don’t trust me.”

“Hmm?” You sighed, hiding your face from Joel by resting it in the crook of his neck. The smell of his skin grounded you.

“You don’t trust me. I just wanted to prove myself, I don’t know, to you? Or maybe to myself? I just, I wanted to do something to help. But it was pathetic.”

Joel’s heart dropped as you repeated the word he had said. He truly hadn’t meant it, not in the slightest. But it had slipped out before he could catch it. His anger at the situation was slowly diminishing.

“No.” He said, gently maneuvering so that he was looking at you again. His gaze softened and you finally felt like you could meet his eyes again. “Hey, listen. You listening?” His voice was still stern, and you nodded instantly. “I didn’t mean that. And ‘m sorry, I was an asshole for saying it. But you can’t do that shit again, okay? You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, I know you are capable, hell, more than me, but that was dangerous.”

You nodded, sniffling, looking to your lap before you felt Joel’s touch lifting your chin. You melted into his touch, grabbing onto his wrist in fear he’d pull away. “Promise me you won’t do that again.”

“Promise.” And he knew you were telling the truth. “As long as you promise to trust me more.” Joel nodded, guilt filling his insides as he shifted in his place.

“Promise.”

“Listen, Joel, I am sorry, next time I’ll tell you or Ellie-”

“Shhh, you don’t need to apologise. Ever. Let’s get some rest, okay? You’ve had a busy day.” You smiled slightly, still feeling a pang in your chest. But your worries were leaving slowly as he shuffled onto his back, pulling you with him so that you were lying on his chest. “Your arm okay?” He muttered, analyzing the irritation on your skin.

“yeah, ‘s fine.” He nodded, placing a kiss on your skin gently. You clutched onto him, breathing him in, feeling his heartbeat as if it were your own. 

“Sleep, baby. Your safe.”

“Okay, Joel.”

“G’night.”