#tllou

“3 am, I scream your name. I don't sleep, I don't change. There's no magic left, No card up my sleeve. Forever's gone, And I watched it leave.” - Matt Nathanson, Disappear 

Joel Miller looked like hell.

Eyes bloodshot, brown curls disheveled, his body radiating a weariness that came from spending the night in his office, at times drinking, sobbing, or throwing up. He knew it was his fault he felt like this, not just because of the whiskey but what he’d done to her. To her.

His breath hitched as if he was going to start crying again, but his dehydrated body couldn’t gather the tears. The pain instead settled in his chest, making him cross his arms tightly, fingernails digging into his biceps. He wanted to feel pain, to draw blood, anything to escape the hell he’d cast himself into. If he could hurt himself enough maybe he could forget hurting her.

A sharp rap on the door frame of his office door brought him out of his haze with a start. His mind cleared enough to recognize his brother standing there, wearing his Miller Construction shirt under a denim jacket, protection against an early December chilly morning.

Tommy, who had been looking down the hallway when he knocked, finally turned face his brother. He took one glance at Joel’s face and balked. “You look like shit, big brother. What the hell’s wrong with you?”

Joel didn’t have enough energy to lie, and he wasn’t sure he could hold it all in much longer, anyway.

“She’s leaving, Tommy. She’s gettin’ her stuff out and then she’s leaving.”

Tommy stood there, looking confused. “What do you mean, she’s leavin'? You mean her trip this weekend?”

The trip. The trip he was using as an opportunity to fuck his mistress in the bed she’d shared with him for over a year.

“No, Tommy, She’s leaving leaving. Packin’ her stuff up now, I imagine. Said she’d have her lawyer contact mine. Get stuff sorted out.” Joel looked at the floor as he spoke, too ashamed to meet Tommy’s gaze.

“What? Why? How’d this happen? She’s pregnant with your baby, for fuck’s sake!” Tommy no longer just looked confused, but sounded it as well - though there was an edge to his voice. Tommy knew that whatever the issue was, it was probably Joel’s fault.

Joel waited as long as he possibly could before whispering, “Luna.”

Tommy’s face went from confusion to shock to disgust as he put his hands up on both sides of the doorway. 

“What the fuck, Joel? You knew what she was like. I warned you! I mean, I might have slept with her, but I was single!” Tommy closed his eyes while bringing his hands up to massage his temples. Joel had divorced his first wife Tess, after twenty-eight years of marriage, less than two years ago. Now this? 

“You’re a jackass, Joel. She’s carryin’ your baby! You had everything going for you and then you go and do this. Un-fucking-believable.” He slapped the door frame hard enough to sting his hands then backed out of the doorway, headed towards his office.

Joel stood with a grimace, surprised to find his legs still worked, and followed Tommy. “Look, I know it was stupid…”

Tommy whirled around. “‘Stupid?’ You’re going with ‘stupid’? You just blew that girl’s life up, Joel. She lost so much just to be with you, to stay with you. She worshiped the ground you walked on. She's carryin’ your child for fuck’s sake! I don’t think ‘stupid’ covers it.” Tommy was almost red with rage now, eyes sparking black and angry.

“I know, Tommy, I know. I don’t know why I let this happen. I just was so scared that what happened with Tess would happen with her. I got scared she wouldn’t want me anymore and you said it yourself, you know what Luna’s like.” Joel took a deep, dragging breath. “So one day, the flirting went too far and we ended up having sex in my office. Then when things kept getting worse at home, and I thought she didn’t want me anymore, I just kept up with Luna. It was like a drug.”

Tommy seethed out between gritted teeth, “You think ‘scared’ is better? Your feelings were hurt because your wife - who is currently carrying your child - didn’t want you to fuck her because she was exhausted and hormonal and maybe just needed some support? I don’t even have kids, man, and I know you’re an asshole.”

Tommy paused for a breath before saying in a calmer voice that cut to Joel’s core, “I’m not interested in your excuses. I’ve always looked up to you. I always thought that you knew the best way to handle things even if I didn’t see it. Even when you left Tess, I told myself you had been unhappy for a while, both of you, so it was okay. But now? Now you disgust me.”

Tommy turned around as if to walk to his own office before turning and asking in a measured tone. “How’d she find out, anyway? Did you leave your phone out or something or some other dumbass move?”

For the first time since Tommy had seen him, Joel seriously considered lying. He knew he was about to turn Tommy’s disgust into pure rage.

Joel took a deep breath and decided to just rip the bandaid off. “Luna and I were here last night when she came by to surprise me. Luna had set up the timing so she’d see everything, hear everything. I don’t know how long she was standing there - I couldn’t see her.” He looked down at his shoes in shame before continuing. “She heard me tell Luna things I had told her, when we first got together. She heard me tell Luna that Luna was better in bed than she was. Luna just kept asking and asking and I just blurted it out. I didn’t mean it, I swear, but when I tried to tell her that, she wouldn’t believe me.”

Joel had been right - Tommy’s face now showed nothing but loathing. Last night might have been the worst Joel had ever felt in his life but this was a close second. “Tommy, look, I’m sorry. I just got in over my head and I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to get her back.”

Tommy scoffed. “Get her back? You’re going to be lucky if she doesn’t take that kid and run. You’re not getting her back.”

Joel’s face crumpled which seemed to piss Tommy off even more. Joel wasn’t sure if Tommy was planning to continue to berate him or just punch him and be done with it when they heard the door of the main office open, a sound barely above a whisper. They glanced that direction simultaneously and saw Luna striding in, looking as though 12 hours previously she hadn’t been straddling Joel in his office chair, begging him to cum inside her raw.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Luna?” Tommy growled and Joel was happy for Tommy’s anger to be directed elsewhere for even a moment.

“I’m coming to work. I don’t see why that’s such a shock.” Luna sat down at her desk and started to log into her computer.

“Okay, you’re fired,” Tommy said flatly. Joel normally liked to be consulted on HR decisions but thought he’d let this one pass.

“You’re firing me because your brother can’t keep it in his pants? I didn’t think you’d care, since you didn’t even notice before and this has been going on for three months. Why should we stop now? At least now he’s single, or so I imagine.” She smiled brightly as she turned back to her computer.

Tommy’s glare turned back to Joel. “Three months, dude? Did you even wait till the day after she told you she was pregnant to start fucking your secretary?”

“A week.” Luna piped up behind him and they turned to look at her. “He waited a week. Well, it was a week after I found out. Didn’t take him long to find a woman who could meet his needs, did it?”

Luna’s upper lip was curled in a smirk and Joel was taken by how disgusting she now looked. Grief and self-loathing had opened his eyes in a way guilt hadn’t been able to.

Tommy had kept his voice steady, but Joel knew him well enough to know it was costing him more energy than he had in reserves. He was getting ready to break, unless Joel did something.

“Look, Luna, this really…you really should go. We’ll make sure your last paycheck gets deposited on schedule.” Joel’s voice radiated the bone-crushing tiredness that washed over him in a new wave.

“If I didn’t leave after Tommy and I had sex, why would I leave now? I’m good at my job and, again, you’re single now. If you can’t have her anymore, you and I can keep going." Luna stopped, as if considering something. "Actually, maybe she was the reason you wanted me so badly - I just wasn’t her. Anyway, she’s gone now so I don’t see why you and I can’t just keep fucking.” Luna made it sound like it was the most logical course of action.

“Luna, this really isn’t going to work out. We’ll give you a great recommendation - and severance pay. Just…go.” Joel tried to keep the pleading out of his voice, but was unsuccessful.

The conversation with Luna had distracted Joel and Tommy so much they hadn’t heard the front door open again and didn’t notice Maria, Tommy’s fiancé, entering till she was at Luna’s desk, looking confused.

“Why is Luna getting let go? I thought you said she was doing a great job, Tommy. She’s certainly done well with the contracts she’s been responsible for handling, that I’ve seen.” 

Maria’s company, owned with her father, had partnered with Miller Construction a little over a year ago. That had led to a huge upswing in business for Joel and Tommy and Luna’s level of responsibility had increased. As far as Maria knew, Luna had been doing well.

Maria glanced over at Joel to give him a nod of greeting and did a double-take. “Joel, what happened?”

Luna, who had been preening at Maria’s words, answered for him. “His wife caught him fucking me last night and he’s upset she’s now leaving him. Can’t blame her, really. She heard him tell me how much better in bed I am than she is,” Luna sighed like it was unfortunate, but unavoidable. “She didn’t like that at all. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones.” Luna shrugged as if she hadn’t just helped destroy Joel’s life.

Maria’s initial look of absolute fury had been aimed at Joel - and he had expected that. Now, though, Maria’s eyes were pointed at Luna and they could have burned holes in solid steel.

“I think they’re right, Luna. You really should go.” Her voice was smooth but the look on Tommy’s face assured Joel that Maria was holding back, because Tommy looked terrified.

As if she hadn’t even heard Maria, Luna continued conversationally. “You should know Tommy fucked me too. Before you, I mean. I bet I could get him to do it again, though. Men always go for the younger, tighter pussy, don’t they? And, let’s be realistic, in those business suits you wear, how much fun could you possibly be in bed?” 

Tommy cleared his throat, causing Joel, Maria, and Luna all to turn towards him. “I really think…”

Maria cut him off then turned back to Luna. “Excuse me?”

Luna turned to face Maria, sighing as if Maria was wasting her time. “Look. I am just saying I got him once and I could get him again. It’s not complicated. I was hoping to keep things going with Joel but it seems like it’ll take him some time to get over his soon-to-be ex-wife.”

Maria let out a short, breathy laugh. “You really think you could get Tommy back in bed? Now? Did you know he actually felt guilty after sleeping with you? He could tell you enjoyed it but he felt bad later because he knew all about your adorable little crush on him. To tell you the truth, we had a little chuckle over it, which Tommy thought might have been rude.” Maria took a step forward and pointed her finger at Luna.

“Tommy might have thought it was rude, but I didn’t. I know all about women like you, Luna. I had you figured out the first time I spoke to you. You’re what? 24? 25?” 

Luna didn’t look nearly as arrogant as she had a moment ago. “25 this month.”

“Right. Well, Luna, you’re just like every other young, reasonably attractive woman with daddy issues. You fuck men twice your age because you need to feel important to someone old enough to make you feel safe but who also wants to fuck you to make you feel desirable.” 

Maria’s voice dripped with a false pity now. “But you know what, Luna? Some day - probably very soon considering how much damage you’ve done to your hair with the box dye and how obvious your lip filler is - you’re going to age out of your preferred role. Give it five years, maybe ten, and no man over 50 with a functioning dick is going to want you.”

“But for now, we don’t want you. We’ll pay you for the time you worked, and Joel, Tommy, and I will talk about your recommendation.” Maria seemed to have forgotten she didn’t actually work for Miller Construction but neither Joel or Tommy thought this was the best time to mention that. There would never be a good time to mention it, really.

Maria went to turn to Joel but turned back to Luna. “As for me, I have a great relationship with my dad, I know what kegels are, and I’m fully aware of the power a button-down blouse and stockings can have on a man. I guarantee you couldn’t get Tommy to fuck you again. Right, sweetie?” 

She flashed a huge smile at Tommy who couldn’t help but smile back. “Right, honey.”

Maria dropped the smile as she turned back to Luna, who was looking dazed. “Look, I know you’re bright but you need to go find yourself a job with a female boss and get some therapy.” She paused and pursed her lips. “Oh, and if I ever see you near either of your now-former bosses trying to get your job back while promising them sex, I will have your ass busted for prostitution.”

Luna started to speak but Maria cut her off. “Don’t try me. I am being nice now, but don’t try me.”

Obviously considering the conversation over, Maria turned to Tommy. “Walk her out, okay?” Tommy nodded and Maria turned to Joel. The “eyes burning holes in solid steel” look was back.

She pointed her finger down the hallway behind Joel. “Your office. Now.” Joel didn’t dare disobey.

When they got into his office, she gestured towards his chair, inviting him to sit down. He hesitated, it was more comfortable than the guest chairs, but Maria raised an eyebrow. “Do you really think I’d want to sit in a chair you probably fucked Luna in?”

“Ah, right,” Joel sat down while Maria took one of the seats across from him.

She scooted the chair closer to the desk, which served to make it feel that they were on equal ground. She held his gaze for a long moment before speaking, her voice low but measured.

“Joel, we’re really very similar in some ways, when you think about it.” Joel raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. “No, we really are. We’re both intelligent, logical people. We work hard, and we both love Tommy more than he might deserve sometimes.” She paused. “We’re also protectors, Joel. We fight hard for the people we love, the things we’re passionate about. It’s why people like us are so good at our jobs. Do you see what I’m saying?”

Joel nodded mutely, knowing what was coming.

“You fell down on your job, Joel. I’m not talking about Miller Construction. I’m talking about the job you had to take care of her. To protect her. She wasn’t supposed to need protection from you.” 

Joel closed his eyes, as if he could somehow block out her words that way. “I know, I do. I know I was stupid.” There was that word again. Stupid. 

Maria wasn’t going to let him get away with minimizing what he had done any more than Tommy was. “Stupid, Joel? Stupid? You weren’t stupid, you were cruel.” Maria went silent for a moment, fidgeting with the edge of the sleeve on her blazer. She began again, quietly. “She could have left, you know? After everything came out about the two of you and Tess left, she could have left too. You were the only thing tying her to Austin.”

She lifted her eyes to meet his again. “But she stayed, Joel. She stayed and she stood by you when Tess took half. She never said a word when the company started getting so much work after we started working together. Tommy told me you worked late a lot, even before the pregnancy. Despite this, she married you. A week in Mexico and then back here and she’s still there for you.”

“And then she gets pregnant. You get her pregnant. And she’s so happy and you pretend you’re happy too.”

“Hey, I wasn’t pretendin’. I’m happy about the baby. This wasn’t about that.” Joel sounded defensive for the first time. 

“Really?” Maria’s voice was cold. “How long after she told you she was pregnant did it take you to start fucking Luna? A day? A week?”

Joel looked abashed. “About a week and a half after she told me.”

“Right, and while you’re off doing that, didn’t she paint the nursery? While pregnant?” 

“I was going to do it! She just wanted to surprise me!”

“That doesn’t make it better, Joel. It makes it worse. Have you painted any nurseries in her life recently? Or were you too busy getting your cock sucked by someone who clearly does not care about you, never mind her?” Joel had no answer. He had known it was wrong, but Maria laying out exactly how wrong it was put everything in sharp relief. 

“And really, Joel, how can you say this wasn’t about the baby? We both know what happened with Tess, when your son was little. Do you remember? Because I’m sure Tess does. It was what, 20 years ago? How old was Jack when you started screwing around on Tess? One? Two?”

“Two and a half. It was with a woman from work.” Joel felt like all of the fight had been drained from him, as little as there had been.

“Well, it seems you have a type. So, Tess was exhausted from running around after a toddler all the time. She didn’t have the energy to give you the same amount of attention you had before, so you got the attention elsewhere. Does that sound accurate?”

Joel nodded, though he didn’t want to. “Yeah, that sounds accurate.”

“And you want to tell me that this whole situation isn’t because of the baby? That you’re so happy about the baby that you had to celebrate by essentially deserting your wife?”

“I wasn’t celebrating, Maria. I didn’t set out for this to happen.” Joel closed his eyes, looking for the strength to try to explain himself.

“So tell me what happened.” Maria leaned back in her chair, her face expectant.

Joel let out a deep sigh, like he had been holding his breath. “Well, when we found out we were having the baby about three months ago, I was terrified. I already wasn’t sure how I ended up with a hot woman in her 20s. I’m almost twice her age and she’s not Luna. She’d never even dated someone my age before. What did I do to deserve her?”

Maria huffed. “I’m still trying to figure that out. Go on.”

“Well, I was afraid what happened with Tess would happen with her. That she’d lose interest in me. I just kept remembering how lonely I felt then. How I felt like I lost my wife when we had Jack. I love that kid more than I can say, even if things aren’t real good right now, but I missed my wife. I just worried about going through it again.”

“So you thought cheating on her would bring you closer together? That’s some sound logic there, Joel.” Maria sighed and rolled her eyes. “When did this start? Who started it?”

“About three months ago.” Joel saw the look on her face. “Yeah, I know, right after she found out she was pregnant. And Luna had always made it clear she was more than available but I made the first move. I regretted it afterwards, but I couldn’t stop. Wouldn’t stop. She was like a drug.”

“Why, Joel? You had a beautiful woman in love with you, a baby you claimed to want on the way, the business has been going well. How could you have wanted Luna more than you wanted that?”

Joel let a big breath out through pursed lips. “I don’t know. It was like I wanted it because Luna made me feel wanted in a really obvious, physical way. It was like that overpowered everything else. Like I said before, she was like a drug. She couldn’t get enough of me either, and she was willing to…do stuff I hadn’t done before.”

“What sort of…” Maria started but stopped herself. “You know what, I don’t want to know.”

“No, you don’t, but she heard me tell Luna how much I loved it. She heard Luna beg me to tell her that she was better in bed than my wife. That I thought about her when I was inside my wife. She heard me agree to all of it, she heard me tell Luna she was better, that she…well, she did a lot of things better.”

Maria closed her eyes, as if trying to block out Joel’s words. How could he be so selfish? 

“I didn’t mean it, any of it. I just got caught up and she kept pressing and I just…broke.” The excuse sounded lame to Joel as soon as he said it, but he couldn’t take it back.

Maria’s eyes were still closed when she responded. “Joel, do you really expect me to believe that? Do you expect her to believe it?”

“I guess not, but I don’t know how to prove it.”

Maria opened her eyes and glared at him. “I don’t think you can prove it. You have to accept that, more than likely, she’s going to hear you saying that in her head every day until the day she dies.”

“I know. I know I can’t fix it. Not now. Maybe not ever, but I can’t let myself believe that yet.” Joel paused. “To be honest, I’m a little surprised you’re not yelling at me yet. I deserve it.”

Maria’s eyes popped open. “Yelling? Joel, you’re lucky I don’t look good in orange.” Maria considered this. “Actually, I look great in orange but your ass isn’t worth going to prison for. I am angry, very angry, but there are more important things for me to worry about right now.”

“Like what?” Joel was genuinely confused as to what could be more important to Maria than making sure he knew how badly he’d fucked up.

“Like trying to go save a woman who built her life around a man who didn’t deserve her. She has no one, Joel. No one. I’m only hoping when I find her she’s holding it together enough that I can help her get her stuff and get out of the house.”

Maria stood up to leave and Joel stood as well, “Will you tell her she can keep the condo? I’ll pay the lease. Or if she finds something else, I can pay for it. Please just tell her I’ll take care of her. Just…please.” Maria raised an eyebrow. “I know that sounds ridiculous, but I don’t want to make her suffer worse than I already have. Just, please tell her she doesn’t need to worry about anything like that. Please.”

Maria looked him in the eyes, searching for something. “Okay, I’ll tell her, but you stay the hell away from her. She’s pregnant and she’s had a devastating 24 hours. She needs to be kept safe from as much stress as we can save her from and you are essentially the embodiment of stress. Stay away from her until she wants to see you, if she ever does.” 

Maria moved towards the door. “Related, you better start looking up custody laws in Texas unless you’re willing to let her have full custody. I don’t know how it works with newborns. I imagine it can’t be 50/50 when they’re little.”

Joel nodded. “I’ll look into it. She can have anything she wants, just not that. I want to be in my daughter’s life. We’ll have to work something out.”

Maria’s gaze softened for a moment. “You’re having a girl?”

“Yeah. That’s what she was coming here to tell me last night. We’re having a little girl.” Joel managed a small smile, clearly excited about being a girl dad.

Maria echoed the smile, but then looked at him sadly, “Try not to break another girl’s heart when you get to meet her, okay?” 

And with that Maria walked out of the office, leaving Joel standing there with his head in his hands.

A/N: In the original version of this chapter, Luna got hit by a bus. This was more fun and now she's still there when I need her later! *evil cackle*

Next week our girl is BACK! She's obviously not the happiest she's ever been but she's there, she's strong, and she's four months from becoming a first time mom trying to share custody with him.

See you Wednesday for another WIP from Chapter 2: A Village!

“Don't call me ‘kid.’ Don't call me ‘baby.’ Look at this idiotic fool that you made me. You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else. And you know damn well, For you, I would ruin myself, A million little times.” - Taylor Swift, Illicit Affairs

I was standing in the middle of the living room surrounded by boxes, most of them empty. How did you pack up half a house you didn’t want to leave? My heart was broken into pieces so fine that they covered every surface - our home. This was where we were supposed to stay together, grow together, raise our daughter together.

It wasn’t home anymore.

When I’d left the office last night, I had convinced myself all I wanted was to run. I would take my daughter and run. I wasn’t sure where but I wanted Austin off my skin and out of my blood. I wanted to escape the pain that kept washing over me like waves. There was anger in that pain, a wrath, mixed with an unbearable feeling of defeat. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. It wasn’t supposed to end.

I didn’t run, though. I sat in my car, sobbing, till my tears had subsided and my eyes were dry enough to drive safely. I went back to the condo on autopilot. Before I left the parking lot I checked to make sure Joel’s truck was still there. It was, but Luna’s car was gone. Was he still in the darkened building or had he gone home with her? I remembered his face and how he had looked at me and I knew he was still inside.

He had done the worst thing possible that he could to me, to us, but I knew he was still inside. He hadn’t gone home with her. 

I hoped he’d stay inside long enough - or at least not come back here - for me to gather some things and go…somewhere? A hotel? I wasn’t sure but I knew I needed to get out of the condo before he got back. I was so afraid I’d run to him to fix me, even if he was the one who broke me.

He had stayed away, thankfully, and I spent a sleepless night wandering the empty spaces, crying in sadness and in rage. All but the nursery. My heart had no space for all of the hope that room contained. 

I had finally found the boxes now in front of me - boxes we hadn’t gotten around to recycling after we moved in. I tried - and almost succeeded - to beat back the memory of how happy we had been then. The two of us had been kissing like teenagers, so wrapped up in each other. Now came the untangling.

I managed to pack up a few books I’d reread so often they were starting to fall apart at the spines. A few paintings I’d had before I’d even moved to Austin. My most comfortable sweatpants. I’d almost packed my vanilla scented body lotion till the memory of how much Joel loved it slammed into my mind. It was in the trash now.

It felt like it belonged in the trash, but so did everything else. I wanted rid of everything attached to the life he had destroyed. How dare he do this to me? How dare he do this to our daughter? Was he incapable of not cheating on women he claimed to love? Had Tommy known? Had everyone known? Was I just some stupid 20-something who got wooed into romanticizing what had been a fucked up situation from the start?

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, not frantic but insistent, and I almost jumped out of my skin. I made my way to the front door, stepping through the boxes, thinking to myself that Joel probably wouldn’t knock but who else would be here?

I glanced through the peephole and saw Maria standing there - no Joel (or Tommy) in sight. While it seemed strange to see her the morning of a weekday, hers was not an unwelcome face.

I opened the door and smiled as best I could. “Hey Maria! So good to see you. Would you like to come in?”

Maria eyed me for the shortest second, her expression unreadable. Before I could even be sure I hadn’t imagined it, she returned the smile and said, “Sure, that would be great.”

I led her inside, shut the door behind us, and gestured to her to follow me into the kitchen. Once there I pulled out a chair for her, the same one she had sat in months ago when Joel and I had told her and Tommy about the baby. If Maria remembered, she didn’t give any indication.

“I’ve got mint tea, juice, milk, and water. I don’t have any coffee brewed because I can’t drink it, but I can make you some.” 

“Tea sounds great, thanks.” The normalcy of it was striking, almost as if I was just having a friend over for a chat, though we both knew that wasn’t what she was here for, not really. 

I filled the tea kettle - something Joel had bought me when he saw how much I was drinking. Mint tea was one of the few things that had settled my stomach on the days when my morning sickness had been bad.

As if reading my mind, Maria asked me how I was feeling as I waited for the water to heat. “I know it was pretty bad there for a while.”

I nodded. How did she know? Had Joel told her? “It’s better. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to smell oatmeal again without getting sick, which is sad, but at least the smell of bacon is still okay. I can’t eat it now, because of the baby, but it will be the first thing I eat in the recovery room!” I managed a real chuckle at that. The lack of bacon and coffee in my life had been surprisingly traumatic.

“I forgot about that! No lunch meat either, right? When I get busy I live on turkey sandwiches and Diet Coke. If I ever get pregnant, I’ll probably starve to death.” She laughed at herself, but then there was a pause bordering on uncomfortable. I decided to break it, if only to postpone the conversation I wasn’t sure I was ready to have.

“Have you and Tommy talked about that? Once you get married? I don’t mean to pry, of course, but I’ve been curious.”

She took a deep breath before answering. “We’ve talked about it. The problem is we’re not all 27.” She winked at me with a small grin. “I’ll be 40 at the wedding so my fertility isn’t what it was ten years ago, or even five. My guess is we won’t try but won’t try to prevent it either.” She let out a dry chuckle. “At this point, though, I think we’re just trying to get through the wedding.”

“Third weekend in May, right?” The tea kettle whistled and I grabbed two mugs and filled them with hot water. 

“No, I would have thought Joel would have told you! Though, to be honest, I’m not sure Tommy remembered to tell him. A lot of my family is from out of town. My cousins all have school aged kids and they begged me to move it farther out. So, last weekend in June now. It’s indoors so no one’s going to melt, I hope.” 

“I’m sorry you got stuck having to switch things around, but this means the baby can go! My OB said no crowds till eight weeks, when she gets her first vaccines. She’s due mid-April so we should be able to put in an appearance!” 

Maria smiled broadly at the news, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “That’s great! Of course, that assumes Tommy and I survive till then. Running a company is nothing compared to planning a wedding. I’d elope but my mother would kill me.” I chuckled, but I knew it sounded hollow. Joel and I had gotten married in Mexico and Tommy and Maria had been there. My parents had sent a nice, expensive gift and their regrets. They just couldn’t fit it in, their note said, written on monogrammed paper.

Given my marriage hadn’t even lasted 6 months, maybe it was for the best they hadn’t come.

Maria was fiddling with her tea bag and I had the suspicion she was avoiding my gaze. Finally she looked up and I saw a sadness in her eyes, mixed with a bit of pity. “I’m guessing you know why I’m here?” Maria’s voice was lower, softer than I had ever heard it before.

“I sort of figured you had heard, or you wouldn’t be here at 9:30am on a weekday. Sort of out of character for you.” Maria had always been nice to me, but I knew she took her job very seriously. She wouldn’t take time off just to come chat.

“Yes, I had a meeting scheduled with Joel this morning. I got there in time to see him and Tommy firing Luna.”

I almost spat out my tea. “She showed up this morning?” 

Maria smiled grimly. “Yes, she did, and she seemed pretty proud of herself to be honest. She even told me that if she wanted to, she could get Tommy into bed again.”

Maria caught the look of horror on my face, and was quick to continue. “I think I convinced her she was incorrect. I also reminded her she wouldn’t always be young and attractive so she might want to develop some actual job skills.” She sipped her tea. “I may have also threatened to have her arrested for prostitution if she came anywhere near Tommy or Joel. So, I think we’ve probably seen the last of her.”

I blinked, dazed, trying to take it all in. “Wait, prostitution?”

Maria waved her hand as if her threat to Luna was of no consequence. “Let’s not waste any more time on her.” She set her cup down on the table carefully then lifted her head to look me directly in the eye. “Now that we’re all caught up on gossip, anything you want to talk about? Need to talk about? Remember, you were the first person from the Miller family who charmed me in a way that got me to consider Miller Construction. Tommy was just cute. So, I’m in your corner.”

I smiled at her, both for her comment and at the memory of meeting Maria. It was when I had been an intern at Miller Construction, back when Joel was still with Tess and I was still with Jack.  Before Jack left me for his coworker Logan and Joel left Tess for me. Back before everything went to hell and I thought things couldn’t get worse. 

I was wrong. 

“Thanks, sincerely.” I said, trying to beat back the memories that threatened to resurface. “That conference was a hell of a time. You got a fiancé out of it!”

Maria laughed. “That I did. And you!” She reached forward and squeezed my hand. I squeezed back.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but you can. I already got the gist from Joel and considering he looked like he’d been hit by a bus when I talked to him, I think he was telling the truth.”

“You talked to him?” I tried to keep my voice light, but it came out as a croak. 

“I did. After Luna left he and I had a chat in his office. He openly admitted to everything but seemed sort of confused as to why he did any of it. That’s not your problem though. Like I said, I’m here if you need to talk or want to talk. I did mention to Tommy before I left that he needed to keep Joel at the office till we had you and your stuff out so you don’t have to see him.”

I gave her a look that I hoped conveyed the gratitude I felt at this. “Thank you. I am holding it together better than I thought I would be but seeing him isn’t something I can handle right now. Maybe not ever.” I sighed. “As for talking, I don’t want to unload on you but it’s just…I’m so angry and hurt and confused. I wish my mind could pick one.”

“I understand. I haven’t been where you are but I know what you mean.”

“It’s just the way he looked at me, standing there. Like I was the only person in the world he could ever love. Had ever loved. Crying like I was the one breaking his heart, like he hadn’t just shattered mine. And then, of course, we had Luna sitting right there telling me how Joel, my husband, had spent the last three months fucking her in the ass!”

Maria blanched. “We hadn’t really gotten into the specifics of what they did.”

I put my hand over my mouth. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize!”

“It’s okay. Just one more thing to add to the list of things I learned about my future brother-in-law today. Please, continue.” Maria gave me a wan smile.

“Well, anyway, I think the problem is he really does love me, or at least he thinks he does, but he also thinks I’m supposed to somehow accept that what he can give me needs to be enough. Well, until he can give me more, if he’s even able to ever do that. It’s like he thinks I should see a path forward because he does.”

“And you don’t, I would assume?” Maria’s voice was gentle.

I bit my lower lip. “I shouldn’t be able to. It’s just that most of me wants to see him flung off the dock outside, preferably with his feet covered in concrete, but a tiny, very loud part of me is still planning on putting up a Christmas tree with him next weekend.”

I gave a big sigh and Maria smiled. “Let’s get you through today and worry about the rest of it tomorrow, okay? I’ll make sure you have a Christmas tree, even if it’s us decorating it.”

She stood up and I did as well, grabbing both mugs. I put the tea bags in the trash and rinsed the mugs before putting them in the dishwasher. I turned back to face Maria, who raised her eyebrows expectantly. 

“Are you ready to tackle this? The first thing we need to do is get you what you need, things like clean underwear, any paperwork like your birth certificate, charging cables for any electronics you want to take. Then we can see what else you want to have to get though the next short while till we have a plan for what comes next.”

I smiled inwardly at how efficient she was. This was the hardest thing I’d ever gone though but Maria’s warm guidance was making it easier. It was nice to not have to think.

“Actually,” Maria said suddenly, “The first thing we need to do is figure out where you’re going. Do you have anywhere you could go or do I just need to tell Joel he’s banned from the premises until further notice?”

The last thing I wanted was to stay in the condo but I didn’t really have anywhere else to go. “I was just going to look for a hotel to stay at or something till I can find an apartment. I can work from the office till I can get set up at a new place.” Joel and I had moved in less than a year ago and we hadn’t really gotten to know the neighbors. My co-workers weren’t unfriendly, but other than occasionally going out to lunch together I hadn’t really bonded with any of them.

Maria started to speak, stopped herself, then started again. “I won’t generally serve as courier pigeon for Joel, but I was asked to tell you that you don’t need to worry about paying on the lease here. If you decide not to stay here, the rent at your new place will be covered. He just wanted to make sure you knew you didn’t have to worry about having a place to live.”

I blushed at this, for reasons I couldn’t identify. “That’s good to know. I want to get a place farther from the water. It’s hard to believe this,” I pointed to my stomach, “is eventually going to be big enough to open doors on her own, but I don’t want there to be water she can wander into.”

Maria nodded. “No trampolines, either.” She then pursed her lips, clearly thinking hard. A moment later, she rolled her eyes. “Why didn’t I think of this before? You should just come stay with me! I have plenty of room. We can move some things today and then come box the rest of it up next week and stick it in the attic or something till you get a new place. Tommy isn’t moving in till the wedding and that’s months away.”

I was dumbfounded but before I could say something, Maria continued, more excited than she normally seemed. “Oh, I love this idea! You get a place to stay that’s not some lifeless room in a hotel somewhere. I get a roommate that’s a woman which will be a nice change from all of the men I have to work with all day.” She gasped, “Plus, it’s the beginning of December. Do you really think I’d let you stay in a hotel over the holidays? Of course not!”

Her enthusiasm was infectious. Not even an hour ago I had felt so terribly alone, thinking I was bringing my daughter into a sad, empty life with a mother who did nothing but work and brood. Now I was being reminded I wasn’t just “Mrs. Miller” and I had a village, even if it was tiny.

I gave her a genuine smile. “That sounds amazing, actually. I even know how to cook. No turkey sandwiches on my watch!” 

Maria laughed, then touched my arm. “Hey, I know this isn’t where you thought you’d be 24 hours ago, but you’re here. Please try to remember you’re strong enough to handle this, and even if things don’t work out the way you expected, that doesn’t mean they won’t work out.” She pulled her hand back and put both hands on her hips. “Now let’s go pack the clothes you need for the next week or so, and your entire stash of mint tea.”

Hours later I was flopped out on Maria’s couch, wearing leggings and an old t-shirt. Mine, not Joel’s, so it spread a little tight over my growing belly. I had already bought a few pants with elastic waists but it was apparent it was time to upsize my tops as well. And, I thought, looking down, I might want to invest in some maternity bras.

Maria bustled into the living room, holding a blanket that looked incredibly comfortable. The fuzzy fabric was a rich, dark purple color with short fringe around the edges. Maria held it out to me, half spreading it over me in the process.

“There!” Maria looked pleased with herself. “I call that my ‘super fucking eggplant’ blanket and I thought you might want it for the time being.” 

I stared. “It’s called what?”

Maria laughed. “Inside joke. Anyway, I can’t promise it will make everything better, but I can promise it won’t make things worse. I think that’s the goal right now?”

“Not getting worse would be fabulous. And thanks, this blanket is gorgeous. And warm!” It was late enough in the evening that a chill had settled outside, but still too warm during the day to turn on the heat. So, I appreciated the extra layer of warmth to protect me from the hypothermia I was sure 40 degree weather outside would bring on.

“I’m happy you like it! Now, it’s Friday night so what should us party animals do? I was thinking leftover Chinese food from lunch and some sort of true crime movie where the wife kills her cheating husband?” Maria grinned devilishly and I laughed for the first time in 24 hours. The first time since I’d walked out of Miller Construction with my heart shattered.

“That sounds like a great plan. Thanks for buying lunch earlier, by the way. I know I said I’d cook but delaying my responsibilities till tomorrow is wonderful.”

“No problem! We’ll go to the store in the morning and get stocked up on things you can eat and any toiletries you may have forgotten. Now, you find us something to watch and I’ll heat up some food.”

As I reached for the remote and Maria turned to head to the kitchen, a knock came at the door. I felt a moment of panic till I heard through the door, “Hey, it’s just me,” in Tommy’s voice. Maria hurried over to the door and opened it, and Tommy walked inside - alone. I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

“Hey ladies! Just thought I’d stop by and see how you were doing. See if you needed anything.” Tommy nodded a hello in my direction but stopped short of making eye contact. I understood. Joel had put him in a bad position and he was probably worrying I’d hate him by association.

“We were just getting ready to eat some leftover Chinese food, if you’re hungry.” Maria kissed him on the cheek and a huge feeling of loss made my breath catch.

Tommy’s eyes lit up. “That sounds great. I never got around to eating lunch so I’m starving!”

“Give me just a few moments and I’ll get you both fed. Maybe the two of you might want a chance to talk?” Maria walked off to the kitchen, leaving me alone with Tommy, who looked more uncomfortable than I’d ever seen him before. Then again, it took a lot to shake Tommy.

“So, are you doing okay?” He studied the floor when he asked, and I wished he would look at me.

“I’m okay. Maria’s been great. I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself when she showed up this morning but she took charge in a way that has kept me sane.” 

“Yeah, she’s good at that.” A pause and then he finally looked at me. 

“I didn’t know. I swear!” He blurted out and then paused before giving a deep sigh. “But I probably should have.”

“Why should you have known? It sounds like he was pretty good at hiding it.” I wanted to be sure Tommy knew the blame for me not knowing was squarely on Joel’s shoulders. 

“Just, things he said and how he acted when I asked him questions. Questions about his life, how things were going. He told me he was worried he was too selfish to be a good husband. I knew what happened with Tess and I should have dug deeper.”

I thought for a moment. “I think we both didn’t want to know. There were late night calls from unknown numbers, things like that. The late nights. Luna said it was once or twice a week but he was late more often than that. Maybe there were more women.” I sighed the sigh of a deep sense of defeat.

“I don’t think so. Talking to him today, he seemed shocked enough at the whole situation that I don’t think he could have hidden it from me. To be honest, after Maria left we had a chat where he laid everything out. It was like he couldn’t stop himself. But Luna said it was only once or twice a week? Because there were beer bottles in his trash a lot of mornings in the past few weeks, when he forgot to put the trash can out in the hallway for the cleanin’ lady to empty.”

“That’s what she said, and she’d have no reason to make it sound less often than it was. But it wouldn’t matter anyway. Luna gave up alcohol within the last few months. She came over for dinner a few times, before Joel and I got married. I didn’t realize at the time she was just building up resentment.” 

Tommy looked somewhere between confused and thoughtful. “Has he been drinkin’ more at home? On the weekends, maybe?” 

I could see where this was headed. “Maybe sometimes but he never gets drunk or anything. I don’t think he’d be able to keep something like an alcohol problem from me.”

Tommy raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? I hate to bring it up, but…”

“Okay, fine, maybe he could have hidden it from me but…it just somehow doesn’t feel like something he’d do.”

Tommy’s eyebrow had now practically melded with his hairline. “Again, I hate to bring it up, but…”

“Okay, fine,” I groused. “If you want to talk to him about it, be my guest. But if you’re wrong, and I think you are, he’s not going to take it well.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Best not to worry about it right now.”

I nodded, but I could tell by the look on his face that he was going to worry till he had talked to Joel.

“Best not to worry about what?” Maria asked, appearing in the doorway. 

“Nothing, just…stuff we shouldn’t worry about.” I tried to sound lighthearted and almost succeeded.

Maria looked between me and Tommy, and thankfully decided not to press. “Do you guys want to eat in here or at the table? Either is fine with me.”

“Let’s do the table. I don’t want to risk getting sweet and sour sauce on the blanket.” I tossed it up over the back of the sofa and tried to stand up but Maria’s couch was deeper than mine and I floundered. Tommy helped me stand up, with a smile.

“Good call,” Maria agreed. “Come on into the kitchen and get settled and we’ll dive in.”

A few minutes later we were sitting around the table with bowls of food, including the white rice I had been forced to substitute for fried rice, because my stomach just couldn’t handle it. 

Dinner was peaceful. No one tried to talk about Joel, though it felt a little like we were missing a member of our party of four.  Instead we talked about their wedding, which I found fascinating. I hadn’t been through it myself and by the end of the conversation, I agreed with Maria - planning a wedding did sound more difficult than running a company.

Just as we were finishing up, the thought that I had been stewing over all day burst forth. Without warning, without even thinking about how the words would sound coming out of my mouth, I blurted out, “I just wonder if I don’t deserve this a little. Or a lot, maybe.”

Maria had been raising her fork to her mouth but placed it back down on her plate. “How could you even say something like that? Of course you don’t deserve it.”

I glanced at Tommy, who looked uncomfortable. “Tommy?” I raised an eyebrow. Had he really not explained it to her? Then again, I wasn’t sure how much Joel had told him.

Maria added, as if sensing my question,“I mean, I know Joel was married when you met, but it sounded like his marriage was almost over? And I know about the woman before, when Jack was little. Tommy looked worried when you told us about the baby, so I made him tell me why. But, that’s about what I know.”

Tommy coughed then looked at me apologetically. “I just thought maybe it didn’t do any good to put you and Joel’s business out there like that. Maria barely met Tess.”

Maria flicked her eyes between us. “What am I missing? Was there more to the story?” Her voice was curious but not nosy, not hungry for all of the dirty laundry.

I thought for a moment but decided to just dive in. “I don’t know what you know, since I’m sure you picked up stuff along the way, but I can give you the short version, if you like. Just to maybe fill in the gaps?”

“That would be great, but let me get a drink first. I think I might need it. You?” She raised an eyebrow at Tommy.

“Yeah, please.” He looked at me, as if I could join in on his request for alcohol.

“More ice water, please.” I tried to smile but it fell flat. I really, really wanted a drink too.

While Maria moved to the kitchen to grab everything, Tommy leaned forward. “You don’t have to do this. I know this is a really rough time and you don’t have to torture yourself.”

I smiled for real now. “Thanks, truly, but I think it might help, sort of like going to confession.”

Tommy grinned. “And Maria is the priest?”

You both laughed just as Maria walked back in. “What’s so funny?”

“We were just talking about how good you look in black, sweetheart.” Tommy smiled at her as she sat back down, putting the three glasses on the table. 

“Damn right,” she said with a grin. Then she focused her attention back on me. “Now then. Start at the beginning and go from there.”

I nodded. “Well, it started about two years ago. I had been dating Jack a little over a year, and we were about a week out from graduation. We went to school a few hours from here so his folks were going to drive in, go to graduation, then we were going to drive back to Austin to stay with them till we could find jobs and a place to live.”

“But it turned out that Joel was Jack’s dad?” Maria clearly knew some, but not all, of the story.

“Right, but I didn’t know that at first. You see, a week before graduation Jack broke up with me. He needed to go ‘find himself’ or something like that. So, I went to a bar with my friend Emily the night before graduation. She encouraged me to go for the hot older guy who had just walked in by himself.”

“Oh dear.” Maria scrunched her nose up like she could smell the bad decision coming.

“I picked him up, to be blunt, something I’d never done before. I didn’t know he was married when I sat down, since he doesn’t wear a ring. It made sense, since he works in construction. Safety issue.”

Maria shot a look at Tommy, who put his hands up in surrender. “I’m gonna get a silicone band! They’re safe!” Maria nodded and turned back to me, gesturing to me to continue.

“Anyway, he bought me a drink but then he told me he was married and…it almost made me want him more. It was like I really needed this hot guy to think I was worthy of affection. I wanted to feel attractive. I guess I wanted someone to think I was somehow enough to risk so much to have me. So I led him back to his truck and we…I’ll spare you the details but we both had fun. I hadn’t told him my name and I only knew his first name because I didn’t plan on seeing him again.”

“Why not? I mean, I don’t condone sleeping with a married man,” she was quick to assure us, as we both looked horrified, “but if you…hit it off or whatever you want to call it, why end it then? Guilt?”

“To be honest, not really. I just wasn’t looking for a new boyfriend. I was still in love with Jack at the time. I just wanted to feel wanted and having sex with a hot stranger from out of town I knew I’d never see again seemed like the best way to accomplish that without some sort of emotional fallout. I didn’t have to worry about seeing him at the store or with some other girl at the bar.”

“But…”

“But it didn’t work out that way. To be honest, it was kind of bittersweet at first, thinking I wouldn’t see him again. He had asked me when we were finished how often I did that sort of thing, picking someone up. I told him the truth - my boyfriend dumped me and I didn’t want to be alone and then I promptly fell apart. And he just held me and listened to me cry. I hadn’t felt so cared for in so long.” I stared out the window into the darkening night sky. “But he said he and his wife were only in town for the weekend and I figured that was it.”

“Then how did Jack come back into the picture?”

“Exactly how you’d expect. He came groveling back that night, telling me all the right things. So we get back together, go to graduation, then meet his folks. I liked Tess immediately. How could I not? And then I met his dad, who was, of course, Joel. Otherwise known as the guy I had sex with the night before because his wife, who had been nameless till now, had a migraine and stayed at the hotel.”

“Oops.” Maria eked out.

“That’s one way to put it. To be honest, Joel was kind of an asshole at first. He was mad at me for a long time. It got so bad at home Tess called him out on it.”

“Wait, what? Why was he mad at you?” This question came from Tommy, who until now had been watching Maria’s reaction to hearing about the family she was marrying into.

“Because I had cheated on his son, even though I technically didn’t because we had broken up.” I rolled my eyes. In retrospect, he really had been an asshole at the beginning. 

“So, he cheated on Tess with you but was mad about you and Jack? What a sonofabitch.” Tommy shook his head in disgust, and Maria didn’t look pleased either.

“Those are Joel Rules. He’s the only one allowed to hurt the people he cares about.” I said with more venom than I meant to, before I sighed and continued. 

“Well, things might have gotten better but Tess and someone thought me being an intern at Miller Construction was a fabulous idea.” I shot a look at Tommy, who looked sheepish.

“I didn’t know! You can’t be mad!” He sounded as though he was pleading with me to believe him, but he didn’t need to.

I grinned at him. “I know. It’s fine. But, now Joel and I were together a lot more and I got sick of being ignored. So, one night I was there late to finish something and he was being a dick and I yelled at him. I told him he was only being mean because he still wanted me and felt guilty for it. Then he, well he proved me right.” I sighed, feeling the shame start to rise up. I really was a horrible person.

“Just to make sure, this was all in his office right? Not in any communal spaces, and sure as hell not in my office?” Tommy sounded horrified, which was justified.

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “100% in his office and never in the guest chairs.” Tommy and Maria both looked relieved.

I smiled briefly at them both but the smile faded before I continued. “Anyway, we both kept saying we’d stop but we couldn’t seem to. Over time it became something else, something more, even if we didn’t mean for it to. Adding in the emotional aspect made everything so much more complicated. Then, Houston happened. The conference. The one we met you at, Maria. That’s when things took a turn.”

The dread that came into my voice was clear to both of them. “You finally got the chance to be together a little more openly. You just had to hide it from Tommy, who was apparently oblivious.” Maria said softly.

“Hey! That’s not fair!” Tommy sounded a little annoyed.

I ignored him and nodded at Maria. “Exactly. We got a chance to do things like stay up all night talking. Actually see each other naked. Not constantly be on our guard, worrying about being seen. But then Jack showed up.”

Tommy nodded, remembering. “Hey, that’s right. Now I know why Joel was an asshole the rest of the trip.”

“Right. The walls in the hotel were pretty thin. So, he was pissed off at me for sleeping with my boyfriend. It was just a mess.”

“But it got straightened out, right?” Maria was clearly invested now.

“If you mean everything blew up, then yes, it did.” I let out a dry laugh. “A month after we got back, after he heard me with Jack and I heard him with Tess, we ended up having sex again. He came over to Jack and I’s new apartment to put something together but we actually got in an argument. Well, that might be stretching it, but we essentially were trying to compare whose life was better now, without each other. But, we ended up realizing we were happier together than with our partners. He let it slip that he loved me. I was pretty sure I loved him too.”

I paused for a moment before continuing, because this was the hard part. “We saw each other that weekend when Tess had people over. I think it was when you met her, Maria. During the party he and I snuck away together and I decided I needed to break up with Jack, even if Joel didn’t want a relationship with me. I wasn’t being fair to Jack to keep pretending I was happy.”

I took a deep breath. “But that night, Jack’s phone went off and long story short, he had been cheating on me with Logan, a guy he worked with, for months. I confronted him the next morning, and he went to tell Joel and Tess. They were fine with him dating a man, of course, but Tess was worried about me, which I didn’t deserve.”

“Joel wasn’t worried about you?” Maria asked, sounding annoyed.

“He was. He came straight to the apartment, since I’d kicked Jack out. I was a mess, both because of Jack but because I was afraid Joel would use this as a chance to get out of my life. He just showed up and held me and made me think it would all be okay. He even found me a new place, for really low rent, by calling in a favor. But, Tess wanted me to stay with them till it was available, so we just had to make it a week. Just a week.”

“I take it you didn’t make it a week?” Maria asked drily, clearly already knowing the answer.

“Nope. Living together again was weird, but not in a bad way. We even got to go on a date.” I smiled softly at the memory. “He picked me up after work and we drove a few hours away so we could get ice cream while not pretending we weren’t together. Just holding hands and that sort of thing. On the way back he told me filed for divorce.”

Maria’s jaw dropped. “Had you two discussed anything like that? Had he promised to do it or something?

I shook my head while splaying my palms, as if to make the answer clearer. “We hadn’t talked about it even in passing. I know the old trope about the older man convincing the much younger woman he’s going to leave his wife when he has no intention of doing so, but I’d never asked for that.”

“So you were going to move into your place, let Joel go through the divorce, then you’d be able to be together? It’s not an ideal beginning, but if both of them truly were miserable, wasn’t it for the best?”

I almost laughed. I couldn’t help it. “That wasn’t the end of the week.”

“Oh no. This isn’t going to be good.” There was nothing judgemental in what she said, almost as if she was on my side, which I didn’t deserve.

“No, it really wasn’t. We got most of the way through till a few days before I was supposed to move. Tess left to visit her sister for a few days and we thought we had the house to ourselves. But, she overheard us on the phone saying things she really didn’t want to hear. So, she came home and…found us. In bed.”

“Holy shit.” That was from Tommy. “He didn’t tell me this version. He made it sound like she caught you making out on the couch.”

I managed a weak smile. “No, she caught us in their bed, right in the midst of something rather more passionate than a make out session. I have never hated myself more than I did then.” I started to tear up, remembering that horrible moment. “She was angry with Joel, livid, but the way she looked at me…I betrayed her in a way Joel hadn’t. They had a 28 year marriage with its ups and downs. I was just this slut who came in and stole her husband while she was nothing but kind to me.”

“Hey, don’t say that. Don’t call yourself that.” Tommy’s voice was trying to comfort me but I was too far gone. I was crying hard now, but managed to speak. 

“If I’m not a slut then what am I? Some stupid girl that got taken in by a man old enough to be her father? I’m no better than Luna, am I?”

“Stop that.” It was Maria now, and her voice was calm but firm. “You are not like Luna. Joel is responsible for his actions and should suffer the consequences, and he will. But, Luna did see he was struggling and took advantage of that. She went into this whole thing aiming to hurt people. This was not about love in her mind, or even affection.”

Maria stopped as if to gather her thoughts, then continued, obviously carefully choosing her words. “You did do a horrible thing, please don’t misunderstand me, but you are not a horrible person. What you did was selfish and no, Tess didn’t deserve what the two of you did, but you didn’t aim to hurt.”

“Does it matter? It ended the same.” I needed Maria to understand how horrible I was. How many people I had hurt. Tess, obviously, but Jack wouldn’t speak to myself or Joel, even after I’d told him about his half-sister. I’d almost broken up Joel’s relationship with Tommy. How could I forgive myself for that? How could she?

“Did it? Did it end the same?” She asked quietly. 

“Yes, I broke Tess’s heart and Luna broke mine!” I practically yelled, but Maria stayed calm.

“But is that where it ended? Where is Tess now?” Maria was getting at something, but I couldn’t imagine what.

“She lives in Houston now, I think. Luna made it really clear last night that she’s doing great. She loves her job, has a great boyfriend, she and Jack are pretty close, all of that.”

“Right. So while I am far from condoning what you did - it was a horrible, selfish thing to do - do you think the reason Tess was angry was because her marriage broke up or because she didn’t get a say in it? I mean, there were much better ways of her finding out her marriage was over than walking in on you two but what you did is nothing like what Luna did. You thought your marriage was healthy and Luna set out to prove you wrong.”

Maria watched my face as I tried to absorb what she was saying. I suddenly remembered the conversation I had overheard between Tess and her sister back before the conference, back when Jack and I had still lived with his parents. Tess talking about how she and Joel had only agreed to stay together till Jack graduated. How they’d reassess then. How she was pretty sure her marriage was ending but she wasn’t ready for it. She had told her sister she knew she was probably selfish for holding on.

Did that change anything? Had she known her marriage was ending but refused to drop the axe? Would she have been upset if he had given her the papers over dinner like he had planned instead of being told he had filed for divorce while he and his mistress, me, stood in front of her, barely dressed?

I shook my head to try to straighten everything out in my head. It didn’t work.

Maria had paused, seemingly aware I was working through something in my head, but now continued. “Like before, this is Joel’s fault. He is the common denominator. Your marriage is ending because he got scared or whatever it is he’s using to try to justify this and didn’t resist Luna. Your marriage was, as far as I can tell, very different from his marriage with Tess.”

“So basically, his marriage was already falling apart so it was going to end if I existed or not, while my marriage maybe would have survived if Luna hadn’t been so vindictive?”

“Well, given Joel’s history I’m not so sure about the second half, but basically. You helped pull out a bottom piece in a Jenga tower already falling apart and Luna kicked one over. It’s still Joel’s fault - don’t get me wrong - but to get back to the very first comment - you did not deserve this. Do you see what I’m saying?”

I nodded. “I think so.”

“Do you believe me?” Maria seemed able to read my mind.

I answered honestly. “Not really, but it might be because I think my brain has about given out for the night. Can it be bedtime?”

Maria smiled at me, understanding in her eyes. “That sounds like a great plan. I’m sure you could do with about three days of sleep. I’ll say goodbye to Tommy and then come upstairs to make sure you’re comfortable.”

Tommy snorted as he stood up. “What she means is she’s kickin’ me out so she can come talk to you about the stuff I’m not allowed to hear.”

“Yup!” Maria confirmed, her voice bright.

“It’s okay. It’s getting late and I’m gonna go check on Joel anyway, just to make sure…well, just to make sure he’s okay, I guess.” He sounded almost apologetic, like he was worried I would be angry he wasn’t wishing bad things for his older brother.

I smiled softly at him as I stood up and then asked, in a voice so low he leaned forward to hear me, “Can you tell him I’m okay? I know it’s silly but…he worries a lot and I don’t know if he’s worrying tonight. Can you just tell him I’m okay?”

Tommy stared at my face for a long moment then gave me a small smile back. “I’ll tell him, and tell him Maria is takin’ care of you.” He hesitated for a second before adding, “thank you for lettin’ me tell him.”

Without thinking, I reached forward and gave him a quick hug. “Thanks, Tommy. I’m sure I’ll see you soon, since Maria seems to like you an awful lot. Good night.”

“Good night kiddo,” he said as I went to walk upstairs.

When I got halfway up the staircase, I heard them talking in low voices, but I was lost in my own mind by then. Maybe Maria was right and I wasn’t a horrible person. Maybe I could get through this, whatever that ended up meaning. Maybe all I had right now was hope, but maybe that was enough.

And maybe I hoped that halfway across town there was a man worrying about me the same way I was trying not to worry about him.

AN: I hope you are happy with your first view of Reader! She's got some big things on the horizon (like having a baby) but we'll be there to help her along, right?

One thing I want to mention is there will be no "gotcha" moments. A few people have expressed concerns and I wanted to put your minds at rest. There WILL be surprises and some might not be fun surprises but I'm hoping to not make anyone angry cry. Maria really does care about Reader and Tommy really didn't know.

I do hope you all enjoy this! Next week is currently named The Gun and will have Reader AND Joel but not together (Chapter 4).

Bye for now!

The inside joke: For those who haven't seen Season 1 of The Last of Us, there is a scene where Maria gives Ellie a coat which Ellie describes as "super fucking purple." Maria corrects her and tells her it's eggplant but later calls it a "super fucking eggplant" coat. I just thought it was funny.

"When the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home, And ignite your bones, And I will try to fix you." - Fix You, Canyon City

The condo was dark when Tommy pulled up late that night, but Joel heard his truck wheels on the gravel drive. He wasn’t in any shape for company but that had never mattered to his brother before. Sure enough, Tommy tried the front door. Finding it locked, he whipped out his own key. Joel had given it to him in case of emergencies. Joel wondered if this counted as an emergency. Maybe it did.

Earlier that day, once Tommy had the word from Maria that Joel was allowed back at the condo, he’d rushed there, hoping it was all a bad dream instead of a nightmare he’d created for himself. He wanted her clothes in the closet, her gardening magazines on the coffee table, and her side of the bed half-made. He wanted to be overwhelmed by the scent of her when he stepped through the door. He wanted it to still be home.

When he got there and pushed open the front door he found her scent was still everywhere but it only magnified the emptiness. It wasn’t that there were things noticeably missing - there wasn’t. Maria had told Tommy that not much had been taken in the rush to leave. She informed Joel in a separate text that she’d be in touch to work out a few days Joel would be elsewhere so that the rest could be gathered. She had taken over the logistics of his marriage falling apart, something Joel knew he should feel grateful for.

Despite the early hour, Joel decided to try to sleep to block everything out for a while. He hoped a pause of his frantic thoughts might help things in general seem less overwhelming. 

He paused in the bedroom long enough to change into sweatpants and a t-shirt, but he didn’t stay. He would never touch that bed again. He may never have been in it with anyone but his wife, but his thoughts had been with someone else while he held her and he would never forgive himself for it. 

In the living room he tried to get some rest on the sofa, covering himself with a blanket they kept on the back of the sofa. It didn’t work - the calm quiet that was once peaceful now screamed at him with the wrongness of it all.

After tossing and turning for almost an hour, he finally accepted that sleep wasn’t coming. Feeling exhausted but antsy, he wandered through the condo, making note of everything and nothing. He ran his fingers over picture frames, opened and shut drawers, and tried to figure out exactly how she had organized the books on the bookshelves. By color? Date of publication? How much she loved them? His brain was too fuzzy to tell.

He eventually stood in the doorway of the nursery, peering into the room she had taken so much pride in. He looked at the sage green walls and saw how they mirrored their life together. He chose the color and she did the work. And, after her giving everything, he had told her it wasn’t enough - that she wasn’t enough.

A fresh sob broke from him, harsher than the sobs the night before in its suddenness. He bit it back as best as he could, turned around and left the nursery. He made his way to the kitchen, stopping briefly in the bedroom to grab something from a locked drawer. He set it down on the table and despite the raging headache brought on by his hangover, he sat down next to it, forgoing a much needed glass of water.

He was still sitting there when Tommy appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. Joel’s lingering hangover had made turning on the overhead light painful, but Tommy flipped it on anyway. Joel winced and covered his eyes, letting out a low curse.

“I’d apologize but you deserve every bit of the pain that light is causing.” Tommy didn’t sound angry anymore, but Joel also knew he wasn’t forgiven. It would take a long time for that, if it ever happened.

Tommy walked around the table Joel sat at and opened the cabinet where the glasses were, grabbed one, then closed the cabinet hard enough that he was worried he might shatter the glass in the front.  Humming, just loudly enough to be annoying, he filled it with water. When he turned to set it in front of Joel he saw it. A gun.

His eyes immediately shot to his brother’s face. “Joel?” Tommy asked, terrified but unsure exactly what he was asking.

“It’s fine,” Joel said. “Got a little girl comin’ I gotta take care of.” Joel’s voice was heavy, full of gravel and heartbreak. He sounded like he’d let staying win out, but only just.

“That’s right Joel, you do. I’m just going to move this right now, though, if that’s okay?” Tommy tried to keep his voice light and easy, but it was difficult.

Joel nodded, and Tommy picked it up and moved it to the counter farthest from his brother and stood in front of it. 

“Anything you need to talk about? Anything on your mind?” Tommy tried to sound normal, easygoing, but he felt anything but. His muscles were tense, ready to strike. If Joel so much as attempted to get out of the chair, Tommy knew he could get his ass to sit back down. He hadn’t spent time in the Army for nothing.

Joel shook his head. “Nah, just thinkin’, probably too much. It’s been a big day. Tried to sleep but couldn’t. Just got inside my own head a little. Or a lot.” Joel sounded like he felt - exhausted and defeated.

“Well,” Tommy treaded carefully here. “Thought you might want to know she’s okay. She’s settled in at Maria’s. Maria’s takin’ care of her. We had dinner before I came over here.”

“She’s okay? Really?” Joel’s face brightened like he’d just won the lottery.

“She says she is, though I don’t know if she really is. She went over the history of this mess, starting back when you two met, and she didn’t start cryin’ till she was talking about hurting Tess. She called herself a slut and a stupid girl but Maria talked her down, for the most part.” Tommy sighed. “It’s been a big 24 hours for her and Maria has kept her busy. It might be that once she gets a moment to breathe, it’ll all come out.”

Joel hesitated before speaking. “You don’t think I should call her, right? I mean, just to check on…” Joel’s voice trailed off. The look in Tommy’s eyes could have flayed flesh from bone.

“If you so much as think about contacting that girl, I will fuck you up. I’m trying to keep out of this without letting either of you down but I will drop your ass if you don’t leave her alone till she says otherwise.”

“Okay, fine, you’re right. I’m just worried. I know I don’t have any right to be considering it’s all my fault but I do love her and I’m worried.”

He sounded so pathetic that Tommy softened just a bit. “I get it man, but reaching out to her isn’t going to make anything better in the long run. Besides, she was the one to tell me to tell you that she was okay. She knew you’d be worried.”

Joel shifted his eyes away from Tommy to stare at a non-existent spot on the wall. Tommy noticed his eyes were shiny. “Good. That’s good.” Joel wiped his wrist across his eyes and silence fell for a few moments, both lost in their thoughts.

Tommy suddenly turned, picked up the gun to unload it, but when he popped the magazine out, it was empty - and so was the chamber. He turned and showed it to Joel with a puzzled expression.

Joel nodded, as if it shouldn’t have been confusing at all. “I keep it unloaded, like you’re supposed to, and locked up. I brought it in here because…I don’t know. So I could choose not to, I guess? I thought if I had to go back for the bullets I’d have to really want it. But, sittin’ here for a while, I realized I didn’t want it. I want to stop hurtin’, but I have to give it some time.” Joel took a deep breath. “And, even if she never speaks to me again, I’ve got that little girl comin’. Maria told me not to break her heart so I better be around to watch her grow up.”

Joel sat up straighter, as if thoughts of his daughter had braced him up a little, and maybe they had. Tommy felt guilty about where this conversation was getting ready to go. But, he had to know. 

Satisfied the gun was not a threat, Tommy set it back down on the counter and took a seat next to Joel at the table. “I was wonderin’ earlier, do you remember that time, I was about 14, and me and some buddies got together to move those huge rocks onto the football field? And the sheriff caught us ‘cause he was walking his dog around the track?”

Joel looked at Tommy, confused. “Yeah, sorta. I remember Mama being pissed when he brought you home. He was laughing. Thought it was a great joke, and you kids weren’t drinkin’ or anything.”

“Yeah, do you remember what Mama did, Joel? She beat my ass and when you tried to step in, she beat yours too. Both of us big as full grown men and she got us good. Do you remember that?”

Joel gave a quick nod. “Kind of hard to forget.” Their mother had been a strong, silent, but kind woman, some, even most of the time. But when she wasn’t…

“Do you? Do you remember why, Joel?” Tommy pressed, waiting for Joel to make the connection.

“Yeah, because she was pissed because the sheriff brought her son home in the middle of the night for doing somethin’ stupid again.”

“Well, yeah, but we both know that wasn’t the whole reason. She did it because he interrupted her drinkin’. Do you remember that?” 

Joel stared at him. “Yeah, but it wasn’t every night or anything. She drank too much but she had a hard life. Dad being out on duty all the time, her worried about him, her worried about your stupid ass, and I know I probably wasn’t an easy kid to understand.”

Tommy scoffed. “So it’s our fault she was falling down drunk half the time?”

“Of course not, but it wasn’t half the time.” Joel rushed to defend the mother that was no longer around to defend herself.

“Really, Joel? Are you trying that hard to miss the point?” Tommy understood, had been there himself even, but his voice came out frustrated anyway.

“What point would that be?”

Tommy took a deep breath. “How much are you drinking these days, Joel? Because you were usually the first one to offer to drive. Never saw you drink more than a beer when we’d go out, maybe two, not for the last ten, fifteen years. Now, at 52, you’ve decided you’re a drinker?”

Joel grimaced. “It’s not like that. I just drink to take the edge off sometimes. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you it’s been a rough few months, even if it was my fault.”

Tommy nodded, then asked, “Did the drinking start before or after you started things up with Luna?”

Now Joel scowled. “I don’t know why it matters so much to you?”

“Just answer the fuckin’ question.” Tommy still looked calm but there was an edge to his voice.

Joel glared at him but finally answered, “After. Probably helped with the guilt till I started feeling guilty about the drinking.”

“You want to stop drinking or are you just going to get worse now that she’s gone?”

Joel looked at his feet against the linoleum. “I want to stop, but I’m not very good at that. I wanted to stop with Luna but I was too weak to. I wonder if I’m too weak to stop drinking.”

Joel’s quick admission about the drinking threw Tommy, but just for a moment. He sat up straighter in his chair, as if bracing himself. Gathering all his courage, he started to speak in a low but clear voice. 

“You’ve spent the better part of five decades tellin’ me what to do and I’m about to make up for it now.”

“Oh are you?” Joel sounded wary, but Tommy wasn't going to back down.

“Yup. First, I’m taking the gun.” Tommy’s tone was final.

“Like hell you are. You can’t even own a gun, dumbass. Felons can’t.”

Tommy waved his hand as if a conviction for grand theft almost 20 years ago had no impact on the matter at hand. Maybe it didn’t. “True, but Maria can and she’s going to keep it for you for the time being. Good luck getting it back from her till she decides you can have it.”

Joel rolled his eyes. “Fine, what’s number two?”

“You’re coming to stay with me. I don’t trust you here alone. Probably blow the place up trying to boil water.” That wasn’t what Tommy was worried about, but neither of them were going to say it.

“That it?” Joel hoped so, though he figured it wasn’t. He was right.

“Third, you’re startin’ therapy. That’s a non-negotiable. It’s also tied to the fourth thing.” Tommy paused, then took a deep breath before continuing. “We’re both gonna stop drinkin’. I’ll get all of it out of my place and we’re both going sober.”

“We’re what now?” Joel’s forehead was knit together in confusion, like he didn’t quite understand what Tommy had said.

“You’re messing up your life all over the place, and I love you too much to watch. You’ve got that little girl comin’ and you know what it’s like to grow up with a parent like that. You’re not doing that to her. I guarantee it.”

Joel spat out, “Fuck you, Tommy. You don’t get to tell me what to do. It’s none of your fuckin’ concern what I do as long as I don’t drive when I shouldn’t. What I’m doing ain’t nothing like her and you know it.”

Tommy looked him in the eye till Joel was forced to turn away. “Yet, Joel. You’re not anything like her yet. But if you don’t get your shit together, you’re only going to be hurtin’ yourself.”

Joel scoffed. “What are you going to do? You’re my little brother. What the hell are you going to do to stop me?”

Tommy’s eyes were sad, not angry. “If you don’t get your shit together, I’ll tell her.”

Joel narrowed his eyes. “Tell her what? Who?”

“I’ll tell her about the drinking. Before you set up custody arrangements.”

All of the blood seemed to drain from Joel’s face. Tommy was afraid he was going to hit him but instead he just slumped in his chair.

“Don’t do that, Tommy. Please don’t do that.”

“I don’t want to but I won’t let that little girl grow up like we did. I will help you as much as I can but you have to put in the work. Hell, pretty sure Maria hates you right now and she’ll help how she can.”

Joel stared at the window above the kitchen sink for a long moment before returning Tommy’s gaze. “You’d really stop for me? Help me get the stuff out of my office? No bars on the weekends?”

“Sure thing. We’ll just start watching every awful action movie ever made instead. I’ll even stop putting vodka in my water bottles.”

Joel stared.

“I’m kidding! I really will stop drinking, though. Probably should anyway. In any case, you don’t have to do this alone but you do have to do it. Just think of all of the baby giggles in your future. It’ll be worth it.” Tommy had a little smile on his lips and Joel couldn’t help but tease him.

“Getting domestic a little early there buddy?” Joel smirked at his brother.

“Shut up and go get some clean clothes. Gettin’ you home and showered because you smell worse than you look and that’s sayin’ something.” 

Joel flipped him off while he walked back to the bedroom to gather some clothes, and Tommy pulled out his cell phone with a sigh. He needed to talk to Maria.

"High up above or down below, When you're too in love to let it go, But if you never try you'll never know, Just what you're worth. Lights will guide you home, And ignite your bones, And I will try to fix you." - Fix You, Canyon City

I had to admit, getting ready for a shower after I had come upstairs, that spending the day with Maria had helped me keep my head on straight. When she had arrived that morning I had been adrift. A room full of mostly empty boxes and no idea how to fill any of them. Now I was somewhere that I felt cared for, not surrounded by memories of Joel. It was a gift.

The shower was too. I turned the heat up enough to sting and went through the motions of getting clean, trying to focus on the soap bubbles going down the drain. I had brought all of my own toiletries so the scent of my own soap was calming. It made it seem less like I was somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be.

It didn’t really kick in till I went to bed. I normally slept in one of Joel’s t-shirts, especially now that I was getting bigger, but I had brought some nightshirts with me I had dug out of a drawer. I slipped one on and got in between the sheets. They had the scent of what I assumed was Maria’s fabric softener. Something light, sort of at the edge of being a fragrance. It was trying to mimic being dried on a clothesline.

It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter what it smelled like because it didn’t smell like him. No cedar. No sweat. No aftershave. No 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner I couldn’t get him to give up. There was just the crushing realization I would never be close enough to him again for that scent of home to wash over me. That’s when it hit me and the tears I’d expected all day finally came. 

Through my sobs I thought about how we might exchange pleasantries once our daughter was here and we had to share custody and we might see each other at her future soccer games or dance recitals. But there would never be burying my face in his chest when he got home because I missed him. There would never be us curling up on the couch under the blanket that smelled like our mingled scents. I was never going to sleep on sheets that smelled like him again.

At that my mind went almost blank, like the sobbing had driven out all rational thought. I was one step away from dissolving into a puddle when there was a light rap on the bedroom door. The door opened and Maria stuck her head in. “You okay? Need some company?” 

I considered sending her back to her room but I realized I could really use a friend. “Company would be great if you don’t mind that I’m a mess.” I sat up, drawing my feet up to sit cross-legged, giving Maria a spot at the end of the bed.

“To be honest, I thought this would have happened hours ago. I don’t know how you stayed so composed all day.” Maria looked somewhat impressed.

I huffed a laugh. “I think my brain was just waiting for the right trigger.”

Maria looked at me, brows furrowed. “A trigger? What trigger?”

“Your sheets smell great, it’s just…”

Maria nodded as if she understood. “Ah, right, well we can stop by the condo tomorrow and steal some Joel-scented stuff if you think it will help. Sort of like weaning off it?”

I shook my head. “Tomorrow’s Saturday. He’ll be off work. He’ll probably be home.”

Maria smiled. “I’ll call ahead and make a request. Make him pack up all of the sheets and t-shirts and we’ll go pick them up. It’s the least he could do.” I smiled back but I didn’t mean it.

“I almost didn’t leave, you know?” I hadn’t meant to tell her but I suddenly felt the urge to. I felt like someone needed to know.

“What do you mean? Leave where?” Maria’s face was confused and I couldn’t blame her.

“When I was there with Joel and Luna, last night.” Had it only been last night? “I had just seen everything and then Luna started giving me all the details and I just stood there feeling destroyed. He managed to grab me and was telling me how we could get through it. And I almost stayed. I almost believed him. And then I felt her kick.”

There was a sharp intake of breath from Maria. “Oh hon, that must have been so hard.”

“I realized that it wasn’t just me now. I had to think about her and what she deserved. And she deserves a mother who doesn’t let a man do that to her, to hurt her like that, and then pretend it didn’t happen. Because, it might be awful but I think I could have forgiven the sex. He’d have been sleeping on the couch for a while and we would have gone to couple’s counseling but we could have made it.”

“But…” Maria asked.

“But the lies? No. You don’t tell me you’re working late when you’re really with another woman, especially not for three months, especially when you know I’m home with aching feet, exhausted, carrying your child. It’s the lies that are killing me.”

Maria said, after a pause, “I sense another ‘but’ in there.”

“But why do I want sheets that smell like him when I should hate him so much?” I asked her. “The scent of him should make me want to throw up. It should be worse than morning sickness, but I was laying here crying over your lovely fabric softener.” I let out a small chuckle and Maria did as well.

I looked down like I was trying to memorize the pattern on my nightshirt. “I don’t suppose you’d let me go see him?” My voice was tiny, even to my ears. I didn’t care. I knew I wanted to see him. Now.

“No.” Maria’s voice was calm but she meant it. “I know I’m your friend and not your keeper but I will literally tie you to a chair to keep you from going there tonight. You are going to get some sleep and then tomorrow we will get up and go to the condo so you can grab some things, and then we’ll go shopping. If you still think seeing him after all of that is a good idea, we’ll discuss it. Got it?” 

My tears had mostly dried by then and I nodded. “I know I shouldn’t care if he’s okay. It’s ridiculous. I should want him to not be okay. I’m just going to tell myself I’m just being a good person for being worried about him, instead of a complete moron.”

Maria, who had let go of my hand, grabbed it again and squeezed it before releasing it. “You are a good person and not a complete moron. You have conflicting feelings about someone that showed you they weren’t quite who you thought they were, but you still want to believe the first version is in there somewhere. Right?”

You marveled at her words. “That’s exactly it. It’s like the Joel I knew and was in love with became someone else but I already miss the first Joel so much I’ve convinced myself they can be the same person if I wish hard enough. Are you sure I’m not a complete moron?”

“I’m positive. Now get some sleep. All of this can wait till tomorrow when you’re ready to tackle the world again. Okay?”

I nodded resolutely. “Okay! I can do this.”

“Damn right. Now, goodnight and come get me if you need me,” Maria said, headed for the door.

“Will do. And thanks, for everything.” I tried to put the gratitude I felt into a few simple words. 

“We won’t let you fall. Now, sleep well,” she said and closed the door behind her. 

"I got me a car, it's as big as a whale, And we're headin' on down to the love shack. I got me a Chrysler, it seats about twenty, So hurry up and bring your jukebox money." - Love Shack, B-52s

I tried to sleep well. I did. But after a half an hour I realized my brain wasn’t going to let me drift off so I sat up again and grabbed my cellphone. Watching cheesy music videos from the 80s would make me feel better, surely. 

During my third rewatch of B-52s “Love Shack” I heard Maria’s bedroom door open. I thought she might be coming back to see me, but I heard her walk towards the stairs - away from me and the upstairs bathroom. She might be going to the kitchen for something, I thought, but suddenly in the stillness I was able to hear the front door open. What?

I slipped out of my room quietly and stood at the top of the stairs, where I couldn’t see the door but could hear Maria talking with someone in low voices. Tommy?

“Hey, is everything okay?” My voice sounded loud in the quiet.

Maria appeared at the bottom of the stairs wearing a robe with a box in her hand. A box I recognized. No.

Before I could ask, Maria spoke. “It’s nothing. Tommy just needed to drop something off. He’ll be gone in a minute.”

“I’m leaving! Promise! Good night again!” I heard Tommy call to me. 

“Um, okay, can you come talk to me before you go back to bed?” I tried to keep my voice light as I asked Maria but why was Tommy dropping off a box I knew contained a gun? A gun my husband owned? My distraught husband?

Maria nodded and tried to smile. “Sure, just give me a few minutes.” 

“Okay, thanks. See you then.” As an afterthought I called down, “Goodnight again, Tommy!”

“Goodnight!” He called back to me as I retreated to my room.

True to her word, Maria appeared in my doorway a few minutes later, sans box. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, gripping the blanket with white knuckle intensity.

“What’s going on?” I didn’t even try to keep the panic out of my voice. “Why was Tommy here in the middle of the night, giving you my husband’s gun?”

“Nothing's wrong. Tommy just knows Joel is pretty upset right now and wanted to take some reasonable precautions. No one thinks Joel is in danger.” She paused. “Tommy’s also going to have Joel come stay with him. He says he’s afraid Joel will blow the place up if he tries to boil water.”

I smiled at that. “Yeah, I’m definitely the cook in the family. You lucked out having me as your roommate instead of Joel.”

Maria grinned. “That I did!” Her grin faded then, replaced with a look of caring. “Look, I promise to share anything major about Joel with you and I promise he is fine. You’ve got enough on your plate without adding worrying about him to it. Now get back in bed and try to get some sleep. Promise?” She had a stern look on her face and I knew better than to argue. 

“Yes ma’am.” I said, staring at my feet in mock docility.

Maria grinned. “In that case I’ll leave you alone. Goodnight!” Maria retreated out of the doorway, closing the door behind her.

When I got back in bed, sitting up, leaning against the headboard, I wasn’t any sleepier than I was when I had gotten out of it. Now, though, I had more things to think about. I stared at the black screen of my phone, thinking, before I quickly unlocked it and opened my text messages. His name was still closest to the top. I opened it and saw his last message, sent 36 hours ago. “Love you. See you when I get home.”

“Asshole.” I said it out loud, but softly.

I started typing anyway.

Me: You around?

A pause. Maybe Tommy took his phone, too? But then, three dots.

Joel: Yes! Hi! Is something wrong?

My fucking husband cheated on me. That’s what’s wrong. 

Me: Tommy was just here giving Maria your gun and I want to know why. 

Three dots appeared then disappeared, five times. Finally,

Joel: Can I call?

Me: No, Maria will hear me talking. I just want to make sure you’re okay.

Joel: Yeah, I’m okay. Visiting Tommy for a bit. 

Me: Going to keep him in line till the wedding?

Joel: Something like that.

Joel: But I’m okay. Just mad at myself. Missing you. But you don’t need to be worrying about that. You focus on the baby.

Me: I know. I am. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. If I’m going to stay in Austin, you need to stay too. Got it?

I did want him to stay. I did want his stupid ass in her life. Jack had loved his dad deeply before me and I wanted her to have that, since I hadn’t. Jack would tell me how his dad was there for his swim meets, taken him to play dates, had taught him to ride a bike and drive a car. She needed her dad.

Joel: If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.

Me: I do. Mostly.

Joel: I’ll take mostly. But we both need sleep and if Tommy catches me texting you he’s going to break my fingers so let’s go to bed and talk as soon as you want to talk to me.

Now. I wanted him to talk to me now. But I never wanted to talk to him again.

Me: That sounds good. Goodnight Joel.

Joel: Goodnight. I love you.

I locked the phone without responding, and put it on the nightstand. I laid back down, pulled the covers up, and closed my eyes. I felt like I could rest now.

Sleep, when it came, was free of dreams or nightmares, as if my brain wasn’t sure which category he should fall into either.

But, either way, we had a little girl coming and I was pretty sure both of her parents were going to put her first, and that was what mattered.

A/N: I had a lot of feelings about this one. Reader is a strong person but she's also a very caring person, and she's in a tough position of trying to balance the two. So, hopefully no one hates me for her texting him because she would. I'm not sure I would but she would.

Also, we had some Tommy POV this week, and there will be more in the future, and probably Maria, and maybe Tess!

What? You didn't think I'd bring her back?

I have plans, people!

Bye till Wednesday!

I didn’t want to be here. 

The architecture firm I worked for wasn’t an awful employer. I got to work on something I was passionate about, environmentally friendly construction. People were cordial if not actually friendly. There was a lot of smiling and nodding in the hallways, but not conversations that weren’t work related. It felt like a place to exist rather than grow. But, the bathrooms were nice, the coffee was decent, at least back when I worked from the office. Now I worked from home so I could wear leggings and slippers and no one burned popcorn in the microwave.

So, it could have been worse. But being with the same people after hours at a company holiday party at some fancy restaurant? Not my idea of a good time. 

I could have stayed home but Maria had encouraged me to go. Something about how it wasn’t healthy to never leave the house. She had a point. Working from home, at a desk I had gotten Tommy to drag over to Maria’s, the only times I had left the house since that day at the condo three weeks ago were to go to the grocery store, pick up food, and once when Maria dragged me out to a movie. She made sure to pick something unromantic, which I appreciated.

So, following her advice, I ended up at the company holiday party wearing the dress I was supposed to be wearing tonight - but to the Miller Construction holiday party. This year my workplace and Miller Construction had booked their parties on the same evening. The original plan had been for me to skip my company’s party in favor of playing the supporting character role of “Joel’s Wife” at the Miller Construction party. I’d even bought a new dress designed to accommodate my growing belly and slightly accentuate my larger boobs. It had made me feel as close to attractive as I could feel these days.

I might not have ended up at the Miller Construction party but I was still wearing the dress. Might as well, right?

When I got there I grabbed a mocktail from the bar and then found a seat along the wall. From there I had a pretty good view and I glanced around the room, looking for familiar faces. I had started working from home when Joel and I moved to the condo so I hadn’t been around some of these people in almost a year, and some I’d never met in person.  

Javier Peña, one of the architects, saw me from across the room and waved before starting to walk towards me. He really didn’t walk so much as saunter. There was an ease to him that reminded me of Tommy - they were both charming as hell and knew it. But unlike Tommy, Javi flirted with anyone female and single, and I wasn’t so sure the second one was a requirement. He’d never hit on me, though, and he was one of the few people I’d had an actual conversation with a time or two.

“What’s a pretty lady like you sitting off to the side like this, alone? You should be out there watching the rest of us drink.” He sat down in a chair, leaving a seat between us at the round table.

“I can watch people drink just as easily from here and prop my feet up if I need to. I’ll get out there later so I can show up in enough photos so there’s proof I was here.” My pregnancy was now public knowledge so I could complain openly about swollen feet.

“Why are you here, anyway? You don’t get any benefit from the free booze and we both know you don’t like anyone here that much.”

“Oh, that’s not true. I just adore you, Javi.” I batted my eyelashes at him in an exaggerated way and we both laughed. He kept smiling for a second and then his face went slack. 

“Incoming,” he said in a loud whisper.

“THERE YOU ARE!” The somewhat shrill voice of one of the junior architects, Abby Anderson, came from behind me and a moment later, she’d wrapped her arms around my neck, leaning over to give me a quick hug from behind. She then plopped down in the seat between Javi and myself and turned toward me. 

“I wondered if we’d see you tonight! I know we talk all the time over Zoom but it’s just so good to see you in person! How are you feeling?” The look on her face was one of genuine concern but she was just so damn…sudden. She had so much energy but sometimes she took all of mine.

“I’m doing okay. I’m more comfortable during the day now that it’s cooled off. I felt so gross a month or two ago. But, about three and a half months to go!”

“Well, at least you have that handsome husband of yours to keep you warm at night if you need it. Where is he, by the way? His name was Joel, right?” She looked around like she expected him to pop out of the wood paneling.

I froze. It hadn’t occurred to me that someone might ask about him. “Yeah, Joel and um, well, his company has their own party tonight so I’m on my own.” All of this was technically true. No one needed to know more.

If Abby noted anything was amiss, she didn’t let on. Instead, she gave a pout. “Well, darn. I guess there’s always next year! Were you able to get a drink here? I hope you weren’t stuck with water!” Abby scrunched her nose up at the idea of such an atrocity.

I held up the glass of bright pink liquid I had in front of me. “Mocktail! There was a candy necklace but I ate it. Had a craving.” I grinned at her while Javi tried to turn a bark of laughter into a cough.

She turned to give him a bit of a sneer before facing me again. “Well, it’s so good you could come! Come find me later and we can have a good chat!” She stood up quickly and strode away from the table.

Javi watched her walk away. “That one is a spitfire.” 

“Still won’t go out with you?” My glance at him was part scolding, part amused. This had been going on for quite some time.

“Hey, I don’t harass women so I haven’t kept asking. But no, she hasn’t realized yet how much she wants me. She’ll get there, though.” He took a swig of his beer and turned his eyes from the crowd to me.

“So, how long ago did you move out?” He asked, as if asking about the weather.

I almost spit out my drink. “Excuse me?” I asked, coughing a little.

Javi gave me a look that was downright condensing. “You think I don’t know the signs of a gorgeous woman having relationship troubles?”

I blushed at the compliment but didn’t back down. “How could you possibly know that?”

Javi raised one eyebrow as if to imply his deductions had screamed the situation. “One, no wedding ring, two, the room behind you on Zoom has changed and most people don’t move their computer out of an office and into their bedroom, three, no date tonight, which wouldn’t be a sign except you looked like a deer in headlights when Abby asked you where he was.”

“Oh.” He wasn’t wrong. And I knew it, but I still fought back. “My fingers are swollen, okay? Pregnancy makes everything bigger. I feel like my ears are bigger.” I touched them as if trying to prove to myself they were the same size they’d always been.

“Mhmm. So how long ago did you move out? Or did you kick him out?”

I glowered at him, then relented. “We split up about three weeks ago. We both moved out. I’m living with a friend, his brother’s fiance, actually, till I get my own place.”

Javi gazed at me levelly. “You okay? He didn’t hurt you or anything?”

“He never hurt me, not in the way you mean. And I’m not okay but I think maybe I will be.” I couldn’t meet his gaze. I wasn’t going to start crying here, in front of everyone.

“Well, if you need me to, I can take care of him. I know people.” I did look at him then, and he waggled his eyebrows at me. I burst out laughing.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I promised.

I glanced idly around the room again when a man caught my eye. He was probably mid-40s but it was hard to tell because he was wearing sunglasses and I couldn’t see if there were lines around his eyes. He also wore an outfit more fitting to a music festival than a dressy holiday party. 

I turned to Javi and tried to covertly point at the man and whispered, quite unnecessarily since there was no one nearby, “Who is the guy over there, with the sunglasses?”

Javi looked where I was pointing and grinned. “That’s Deiter. Dieter Bravo. He moved from LA a few months ago. He won some awards but said he wanted to escape the culture out there. It is my personal belief that they ran him off. He’s not a bad guy, just kind of an oddball.” Just then Dieter caught Javi’s eye and started walking over. “Oh, wait, here he comes.”

“Hey Peña,” Dieter said when he got to our table. “What’s happening?” Dieter sat down next to Javi in the seat not next to me. I wasn’t sure if he even realized I was there.

“Not much, just sitting here watching the crowd. How are you?”

“Bored.” He looked around and now seemed to notice I was sitting at the table. “Hey, who are you?” His question was blunt but his tone wasn’t rude.

I introduced myself, and I explained that I wasn’t an architect (or Javi’s date) but instead helped the firm with making sure the builds followed guidelines for green construction.

“So you make sure our projects don’t hurt the environment?”

“Something like that. I go over the plans and specs and work with the architects to make sure that everything looks good and the builds can be certified to be sustainable.”

“Huh. Well, I’m glad someone is doing it because that sounds boring.”

The conversation clearly over, he turned back to Javi. “Some of us are going to get stoned at Jesse’s after this. Wanna come?”

“Ah, no, plans tomorrow morning. Thanks, though.”

“Next time then.” He turned to me. “Nice to meet you…whatever your name was.” He then stood up and wandered off. 

I stared after him for a moment then turned back to Javi. “I see what you mean.”

Javi chuckled. “Yeah weird but probably harmless.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes till I spoke up. “Speaking of plans, what are yours for the next week or two? Going home for Christmas?” Javi had been born in Colombia but moved to Houston and then to Austin with his family when he was in elementary school. I was pretty sure his folks had moved back to Colombia since then, though.

“Nah, I was going to but there’s some family stuff going on in February. So I decided to stay around here. Flying back and forth gets expensive. I’ll probably just sit in front of the TV with dinner and Netflix, to be honest with you.”

“Hold that thought.” I whipped out my phone and sent a quick text.

Me: Can I invite someone to Christmas dinner? A co-worker with nowhere else to go.

Maria: Like an orphan?

Me: Sorta, only I think he’s pushing 50.

Maria: Is he cute?

Me: Maybe, but that’s not why I’m asking. Promise.

Maria: Sure, invite him over!

Me: Will do, and thanks!

“Okay, you’re coming to Christmas dinner. No arguing.”

He balked. “What? Christmas dinner where?”

“At my house. Or, my friend Maria’s house, anyway.”

“The fiance of your soon to be ex brother-in-law?” 

“That would be her!” I knew where this was going, but I wasn’t going to help him.

“So I’m going to guess her fiance and your soon to be ex-husband will be there?”

“That’s the plan.”

Javi grinned. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

I woke up the morning of Christmas Day feeling surprisingly festive. It was true Joel would be there but that would probably be okay. We had talked a few times since our…discussion at the condo. I was a little stiff and he was a little nervous but it was getting better. I hoped the addition of Javi would help - or at least not make things worse.

Yesterday had been spent cooking things that could be reheated today, but there was still a few things to do. I rushed through my shower, put on as festive an outfit as I could that was also suitable for kitchen drudgery (red leggings, green t-shirt with a candy cane on it) and headed downstairs to get started.

To my surprise, Maria was already there…cooking? Her back was to me but she was in front of the stove with tongs in her hand. As I was still the main cook in the house, I was a little worried.

“Good morning!” I said as I tried to peer over at what she was watching on the stove. It was a pot of water - with eggs in it.

“Good morning to you! Merry Christmas!” Maria beamed at me, and before I could ask, she said excitedly, “I’m making deviled eggs!”

Sure enough, there was a large bowl filled with ice water on the counter, as well as an empty bowl next to containers of mayonnaise, mustard, and pickle relish. 

“Wow! I’m impressed. What has brought on this burst of culinary genius?” I really was impressed. I hadn’t seen her make anything requiring more than boiling water or turning the microwave on. Maria didn’t do multiple ingredients.

“Well, I wanted to help out but I didn’t want to be in the way. Tommy loves deviled eggs and they looked easy, so I thought I’d try them before you got up. That way if it didn’t work out I had time to destroy the evidence.”

I laughed. “It looks like you’re doing a great job! Did the internet help?” 

“It did! I did struggle with learning how to hard boil the eggs because there are a million different ways. I went with putting the eggs in cold water with a tablespoon of vinegar, bring to a boil, then remove from heat, let them sit in the hot water for 10-12 minutes, then put them in an ice bath for 5-10 minutes to cool them off and make them easier to peel.” She looked at me hopefully. 

“That sounds exactly right, even the vinegar. I only found out about that this past Thanksgiving. Eggshells are made of calcium carbonate so the vinegar helps break them down, making them easier to peel.”

Maria looked at me like I had two heads and I laughed. “I know, I tend to go ‘all in’ when I learn something new. But really, I’m so grateful for all the cooking sites out there now. It’s how I learned to cook.” As I said this I was rummaging around in the cabinets to find a stock pot 

“Your mom didn’t teach you? I know you’re not close now but was it always like that?”

“Pretty much. I know she and my dad love me, they just saw me as more of an accessory than a little human they created with feelings and needs.” I sighed the sigh talking about my parents always brought on. “We had a live-in housekeeper/cook and I wasn’t allowed to ‘play’ in the kitchen. I learned how to cook in college once I got sick of the dining hall which took about 15 minutes.”

“I noticed they weren’t at your wedding but you didn’t say anything so I didn’t either.” Maria looked curious but concerned. 

“They said they couldn’t make it. They’re both doctors, and they really do get busy but I did think they would make it work. But they said I didn’t give them enough notice and that they had responsibilities. They haven’t even met Joel.”

I had found the stock pot and put it on the counter, then started filling it with warm water.

Maria watched me, brow furrowed. “What on earth are you doing?”

“It’s for the ham,” I explained. “If you put it in warm water for 90 minutes before baking, it cuts down on cooking time. The less time it’s in the oven, the less time it has to get dried out. It’s also why I bought oven bags.”

Maria looked impressed. “I wondered what those were for. I was scared to touch them.”

I laughed. “You just pick it up as you go. I didn’t want to be up at the crack of dawn today so we’re cheating.”

Maria then noticed the water in the pot with the eggs was boiling and quickly moved them to an unused burner on the stove and set the timer for 12 minutes.

She then smiled for a moment, looking at the pot, then returned to the topic of my parents. “I’m guessing you haven’t told them about the divorce?” 

I chuckled grimly. “I haven’t told myself about that yet, I think. But no, they don’t even know about the baby.”

Maria’s eyes grew wide. “They don’t know that they’re going to be grandparents?”

“No, the idea that I would tell them and they wouldn’t care would break my heart. Especially now, I just can’t risk it.” I shrugged like it didn’t matter when it mattered so much it physically hurt sometimes. “So, I’ll call later today, thank them for the gift of a not insignificant amount of money, and not speak again till Mother’s Day.”

Maria studied me for a moment as if trying to decide something. Finally she spoke. “I hope you’re not offended, but if you need someone to be in the delivery room with you, I’m offering. If your mom won’t be here, and I’m guessing you don’t want Joel, I’ll be more than happy to let you squeeze my hand so hard that I think you’re going to break it. I can even yell at you to ‘push’ and I probably won’t pass out. Probably.”

I looked at her, eyes wide, and then burst into tears. 

Maria threw her arms around me. “Hon, it’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it now. Just, I know you’re probably putting together a plan for the baby making her entrance and I want you to know I’ll support you how you need. If you’d rather I not…”

I cut her off, managing to make myself understood through my tears. “No, I would love that. I didn’t want to ask but I’m so scared of being alone in there. I’m scared of all of it, really, so if you would be there I would appreciate it more than I can say.”

“Of course! We’ll talk about it more later but we’ll work it out.”

I was sniffling myself back to calm when Tommy & Joel walked into the kitchen. We hadn’t heard the front door open, so I hadn’t had a chance to hide my face. I was sure it showed signs of my tears that I didn’t want them to see.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Tommy asked, looking concerned. Joel took a step forward as if to reach to comfort me but stopped himself.

“I’m fine. I was just so happy about how Maria’s deviled eggs are turning out that I burst into tears.” I offered up a huge, exaggerated grin which seemed to relax Tommy but make Joel more concerned. He knew my tears had nothing to do with the deviled eggs. 

The timer on the eggs dinged then, thankfully, and Maria started transferring them to the ice bath carefully.

I watched her for a moment before telling Joel and Tommy, “We still have some things to do in here so if you boys want to stay, you have to keep out of the way.” 

“Yes ma’am.” Tommy was the picture of docility, and Joel nodded along. I didn’t trust them for a second.

Sure enough, the moment my head was turned, putting the ham in the stock pot, I saw Tommy sneak a cookie.

“Would you stop it, please?” I flipped the dishtowel I was holding at Tommy, who grinned.

“You have enough food here to feed ten people and we’ll only have four. You can afford to lose a cookie or two.”

“Five. We’ll have five.” Maria said, reminding him.

I nodded at Tommy before looking at Maria. “Thanks for letting him come to Christmas,” I said. “He’s going to fly home for a few weeks in late February for some family things, and it’s too expensive to go twice so close together. So, he’s staying around here and he doesn’t really have anywhere else to go.”

“Not a problem! The more the merrier. I’m just glad to know you have a friend at work. I worry sometimes, because I know you love what you do. It just seems like you might not love where you do it.”

“That’s fair, but yes, he’s a good guy. I will warn you, though, he’s going to flirt with you.” I felt she should be prepared for the worst.

“Does he know I’m engaged and my fiancé will be sitting right there?”

“Maria, the man is an HR violation waiting to happen. If we give him enough alcohol, he might flirt with Tommy too.”

Maria and Tommy both rolled their eyes before Maria reminded me. “No booze today, even for me. You’re pregnant, the boys gave up alcohol for some reason, and I’m not mean enough to be the only drinker at the table.”

I nodded. “I told him and he’s fine with it. I don’t get the impression he’s much of a drinker. I also told him not to bring anything because we would have plenty of food, but my guess is he will anyway.”

“What time is he supposed to get here?” Maria asked. “How much time do we have?”

I checked my phone. “We still have a few hours, so plenty of time for us to loaf around for a bit, then I’ll glaze the ham because the stuff that comes with it is disgusting, stick it in the oven, go shower, then come back, heat stuff up and bake up some ready-made biscuits.”

“She gets like this. She gets started with a big project and you just can’t stop her,” Joel spoke up for the first time, smiling at me.

I smiled back. “I just really like seeing things come together.”

I gathered my thoughts before telling the boys, “You guys go in the living room and find something for us to watch. You can have one cookie each. Maria and I will be there in a minute.”

Tommy turned to do as he was told, grabbing a cookie on his way out of the kitchen, but Joel hesitated. “Can I talk to you for a second, alone? Maybe out back?”

“You can use my office, if you want. It will be warmer.” Maria said lightly. Did she know what was going on?

“Great, thanks Maria.” Joel said, then turned to me. “Is that okay? It’ll just take a second.”

“Sure, I guess.” I wiped my hands on the dishtowel and threw it on the counter. “Let’s go.”

I led Joel down the hallway and into Maria’s office. I entered first, followed by him, and he shut the door behind him.

“What’s up?” I tried to keep my voice light but I was a little worried. What was he about to spring on me now?

He gestured for me to take Maria’s office chair and he sat across from me in the guest chair. I noticed he had pulled an envelope out of his back pocket and was fidgeting with it.

“Well, I wanted to talk to you about something. I sort of want to apologize for apologizing so much.”

I blinked. “What?”

“Well, I keep tellin’ you I’m sorry but that sort of puts it on you to make this right. It’s like tellin’ you makes it your problem, like if you’d forgive me we could pretend I never fucked up. That’s not fair to you and it’s only going to get in the way of whatever relationship we’re able to build out of this.” He took a deep breath. “If I’m sorry I need to show you, not tell you.”

I stared, flabbergasted. “Um. Okay.”

Joel looked sheepish. “I started seeing someone.”

The look of absolute horror came over my face before I could stop it.

Joel’s eyes grew big. “No! A therapist! A male therapist! Not a woman!”

I tried to school my face back into an expression of neutrality. 

“Well, I appreciate that. I really do. I know you’re sorry and thank you for understanding that isn’t enough right now. I don’t know what I need from you but everything is so close to now I can’t really think about it, especially not with pregnancy hormones on top of everything else.”

“I guess I just want you to know I’m tryin’. I’m not asking for anything from you, like a promise I can make this right somehow, but just…” he looked around the room as if the whiteboards could give him answers. “I guess I just want you to know I’m just trying to learn how to be closer to a man that would deserve you, even if I can’t get you back. I want to be a better man for our daughter, too. I want her to know I’ll always stand up for her.”

I nodded, tearing up, partly because I was touched and partly because pregnancy hormones are a bitch.

We sat there for a moment in silence, not looking at each other, but somehow not knowing how to look away. Finally Joel spoke. 

“I do have a present for you, though.” He held the envelope with both hands. “Before you say anything, this was my idea but Maria said it was okay, so if you’re upset, talk to her.” He grinned, obviously very excited about what was in the envelope.

“Okay…” I said, hesitantly.

“Here! Open it!” Joel thrust it into my hands. I opened the flap and saw a piece of paper inside. A gift certificate?

“It’s a gift certificate for a housekeeping company. Thought that once the baby is here, especially after you go back to work, you would appreciate the help. I set it up so they’ll come once a week now and twice a week once the baby’s here. I remember Jack, well, he had to get his clothes changed a lot. This should help with laundry and keepin’ the place tidy, and I’ll help when I’m there to see her.”

I stared at the piece of cardstock in shock, not saying anything, till Joel asked, sounding worried, “Is it okay? Did I mess up?”

I finally managed to drag my eyes up to his face. “Joel, this is amazing. Like, best present ever. And you had it start before she’s here?”

“Yeah, once you get a place and get settled, they’ll come by once a week. I thought that might be helpful so they can learn how you like things before she gets here. Plus, as things get closer, I’m guessing you’ll be more tired so the help will be good. I’d offer, but not sure you’d want me around, and they’ll be better at it.”

“This is so great. Thank you Joel, sincerely.”

Joel smiled happily, then his expression softened. “I know you’ve got Tommy and maybe this new guy we’re meeting today, but if you ever need someone for some manual labor or maybe a foot rub, you just let me know, okay? Anything you need.”

I nodded, smiling. “I will keep that in mind when it comes time to move into wherever I end up living. I’ll make sure there’s lots of stairs.”

Joel blanched and I laughed. Suddenly, a loud knock came on the office door.

“Are you two almost done in there? Maria won’t let me have any more food till you come out and I need another cookie.”

Tommy sounded almost plaintive. 

“Almost done!” I called back, standing up. Joel did as well, and moved toward the door. 

“Wait. I just…I feel kind of bad I didn’t get you anything.”

Joel looked shocked. “No! I wouldn’t have taken anything. Seeing you happy was all I wanted.” The smile he gave me was genuine. That was really all he had wanted. 

Without thinking, I suddenly pulled him in for a hug, my arms wrapped around him. After a moment he raised his arms too, hugging me back. 

“Thank you,” he whispered.

I didn’t know what to say back, so I didn’t respond. After a moment, though, I gave him a squeeze before releasing him.

“We better get back out there before Tommy starves to death.”

“Can’t have that. Maria might be sad. Or relieved. Hard to tell.” Joel joked, and I laughed. Maybe it really was going to be okay.

When the doorbell rang a few hours later, Joel tensed. It was to be expected, as he was about to meet the man who had obviously charmed his wife. She was still technically his wife. She hadn’t even filed the papers yet, citing how it didn’t matter since the divorce couldn’t be finalized till the baby was born. He was secretly hoping she’d change her mind before April.

But when the man - Javier, or Javi like she called him - walked into the kitchen, he knew at once he didn’t like him. 

For one, Javier had kissed his wife on the cheek when Maria led him into the kitchen. Two, he did come bearing gifts. Unlike a normal person, he had brought headbands with reindeer antlers on them for everyone. He explained how he was told he didn’t need to bring anything and he knew they’d have plenty of food, but he wanted to bring something festive all the same.

The other three had put them on with glee. Joel put them on feeling like the world’s biggest idiot. At least the damn things didn’t have bells or glitter on them, he thought darkly.

Dinner was mostly ready by then so he, Tommy, and Javier were tasked with setting the table and bringing the food into the dining room, or what would fit. Everything else stayed in the kitchen. Tommy wasn’t wrong - they had far too much food. So, once everything was laid out, everyone wandered between the two rooms, filling their plates.

Maria had provided sturdy paper plates and disposable cutlery for everyone. The pots, pans, and serving bowls were going to be enough to scrape and wash, she said. While she was normally the type to recycle everything or put it in a compost heap, she assured everyone that this was perfectly acceptable to do once or twice a year. Joel had been afraid of dish duty and breathed out a small sigh of relief.

Once everyone was settled at the table, Maria asked Javier about himself. She knew that he was supposed to fly home in about two months. Where was home?

“Well, I was born in Colombia, in the mid 70s. There was a lot of civil unrest and by the time I started school, the drug cartels had a lot of money and a lot of power. I had two older brothers, and one of them started to get wrapped up in that. My parents decided to move us to the US, to Houston, when I was 9.”

Maria looked fascinated. “So Houston is home?” 

Javier had taken a mouthful of food and chewed a moment before swallowing. “No, my folks moved back to Colombia in the early 2000s. My father died a few years ago but my mother is still there. Almost my whole family is there. So, I consider that home. In the US, though, it’s definitely Austin. I got my degree at UT Austin, and my master’s degree. I’ve been here for about 30 years.”

Tommy piped up, “She said you’re an architect?”

“Yeah, I was fascinated by how different everything looked in Houston when we came from Colombia and how much it impacted the vibe of a place.” 

Joel scoffed inwardly. The “vibe”? Seriously? But he was also jealous. He’d started doing construction right out of high school. Never went to college. Never been out of the country. Never really wanted to. They’d gone camping sometimes over the years and took Jack to Disneyworld twice, but he felt boring and uncultured next to Javier.

Joel suddenly realized the man had asked him a question. “I’m sorry, what?”

Javier smiled politely. “Tommy said you two have a construction company. I think you mentioned that last year. How did that get started?”

Joel decided that the real answer, that he did it to keep his ex-wife from leaving him when he refused to have another baby, would be impolite. 

“Well, I started construction right out of high school. Tommy graduated two years later and went into the Army. He did four years with them then came home and we started working together, but for other companies. Eventually we wanted more control over what jobs we did, so we started up Miller Construction. 20 year anniversary is next year, actually.”

“That’s amazing. I can’t imagine how much work it would take to start a business from the ground up like that. You two must run a great company.”

Tommy beamed and Joel chuckled. “We do okay. I’m the brains and Tommy’s the charm. It evens out.” Everyone laughed - even Tommy.

Joel now couldn’t decide if the guy was an asshole or not. He seemed nice enough. A decent guy. There was just a smoothness to him that rubbed Joel the wrong way. This was a guy used to getting his own way. He could dominate a situation using his brains not his brawn, making Joel feel like a brainless oaf.

After a few more minutes of eating and, “please pass the salt,” Javier turned toward Maria. “I hear you’re going to get married soon to this guy over here.” He cocked his head towards Tommy. “Is everything ready or still a lot of work to do?” 

Maria released a flood of information, most of it Joel had heard before. The short answer was that there was still a lot to do but it hadn’t quite reached the point of not being fun anymore. He tuned out till he heard Maria ask a question he was dying to know the answer to. 

“What about you? Have you ever been through this before?” Maria asked and Joel’s ears perked up. He hoped he could figure out this guy’s intentions. 

Javier laughed. “No, I’m afraid I’m not really the type. I’ll spare you folks the details, but I never really have had someone in my life long term. I got close a few times in my younger days. It just never seems to work out in the end.” Javier shrugged like it didn’t really matter, and maybe it didn’t matter to him. “At this point I’m not sure it could. I’ll be 50 next year and I’ve lived on my own for most of the last 30 years. I imagine I’d be a pain in the ass to live with. I’m so stuck in my ways.”

Tommy and Maria both nodded. “We’ve both lived with other people, just not each other, but we think we’ll be okay. We’re both old enough to know what we’ll tolerate and what we can’t. We’ve also been doing premarital counseling.”

Joel wondered idly if that would have helped his marriage work out or if he still would have been a dumbass.

The rest of the meal passed uneventfully. Joel didn’t talk much, but he never did. Javier had stories of growing up in Colombia, while Tommy shared stories of growing up in Arlington, then Austin. Maria talked about growing up knowing she’d one day own a well-respected general contracting firm. As for her, she sat there, looking equally entranced by the three people talking, making Joel wish he had something more important to say. He wanted her to look at him like that.

Once everyone was done eating, at least for now, Javier helped Maria pack up the leftovers, and she insisted on sending some of them home with him. She filled up some plastic containers and told him to just bring them back the next time he came over. Joel tried not to glower. Javier might be a decent enough guy but Joel didn’t want him back over. He made a note to remind himself to ask Maria not to invite him for New Year’s Eve. He knew he wasn’t going to get a kiss from who he wanted, but he didn’t want this guy to get one from her either.

Finally, after a few games of cards and Tommy eating two more pieces of pie, Javier took his leave. He grabbed the bag of leftovers from the fridge and Joel watched his wife walk him out to his car. He was tempted to watch them from the window, but knew that would be a step too far. Plus, Maria would kill him. 

“So!” Maria’s voice broke through his thoughts. “What did she think of her present?”

Joel’s eyes lit up at the memory. “She really liked it! And we talked a little, you know, about the therapy. I told her I’d help her move stuff once she finds a new place. And she hugged me.” Joel tried to get the grin off his face, but couldn’t.

“I’m happy for you Joel, really.” Maria said, and she sounded like she meant it but her smile was sad.

“But…” Joel knew it was coming. Might as well meet it head-on.

“I think you might need to prepare yourself for her being involved with someone else. She hasn’t made any comments to me about having feelings for anyone, so this isn’t a warning or anything like that, but just…I don’t want you to get hurt. Don’t read more into things than is there, okay?”

Joel nodded. “I’ll try. It’s pretty hard not to feel a little hopeful that we’ll work things out eventually, though, if I get my shit together. I just need her to not fall in love with anyone else in the meantime.”

I held the door open for Javi as he put the bag of containers in the front floorboard of the passenger side of his car.

“So the bag doesn’t tip over and go everywhere,” he explained, standing back up. I still had my hand on the top edge of the door and Javi lifted his hand up to cover mine. I didn’t move away.

“Thank you for inviting me. You have a great group of people in that house. Even your soon-to-be ex-husband doesn’t seem that bad.”

I blushed a little, but looked at the ground in front of me. “They’re good people, even that one, most of the time.” I looked up, meeting his eyes. “Maria has been the best friend a girl could have, though. Making sure I get out of the house, for one. She’s the one who made me go to the holiday party.”

Javi grinned. “Well, I’m glad she did. You looked hot.”

I smiled, a little unsure where this was going. “Why thank you, sir. You didn’t look so bad yourself.”

He held my gaze for a moment before asking, “What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?”

“Probably hanging out here, playing Uno and eating pizza or something. Why, you want to come over?”

“I was thinking maybe you should come over to my place.”

“Why, are you having people over? Dieter?” I grinned now, because Dieter seemed like he might be fun at a party if you didn’t take him too seriously.

“Nah, I thought it might be better if we were alone.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Alone, you say?” 

He didn’t drop his gaze. “Yes, alone. I thought maybe you could wear the dress you wore to the party. Maybe something skimpy under it.”

The air crackled.

“What are you asking me, Peña?” I returned the gaze, both a little terrified and a lot turned on.

“I want to know if you want to spend the night with me. I can promise you a kiss at midnight, or at least that my mouth will be somewhere on your body.”

I blinked at him, unsure if he was kidding or not. He didn’t seem to be.

“I don’t know what to say. I mean, I’m just surprised. Not offended or anything, just…why?” I felt like a whale, albeit a small one, and in my current state I wasn’t sure about things like positioning.

“Why? Because I thought you were hot last Christmas and despite whatever rumors you may have heard, I don’t go after married women. But, you’re almost not married and I think we could have fun.”

While I stood there, attempting to process what was going on, Javi leaned forward and kissed me. Softly at first, then harder as I started kissing him back. He reached up with one hand to cup the side of my face for a moment, then broke away, but stayed leaning towards me a little.

“We could have fun, I promise. I want to fucking devour you.”

He then stood up straight, leaving me feeling dazed.

“So! New Year’s Eve, then?” His expression changed when he saw mine and he chuckled. “How about I give you some time to think about it, okay? I can understand if Uno sounds more comfortable, but this would be more…enjoyable.”

I somehow found my voice. “You’re going to make me uncomfortable, Peña?” 

He let his eyes roam over my body. “I think I already did.” With that he removed his hand from the door and I did as well.

He slammed it shut and started to walk towards the other side of the car. “Text me, okay?” 

I nodded as he got into the car, and waved as he drove away.

He had told me he’d give me some time to think about it, but if the heat between my legs was any indication, I already knew what I was deciding.

AN: I KNOW, RIGHT? He was just going to be the slutty male friend and about halfway though writing the holiday party scene he changed my mind. But, he's still Javi and while we still love him, can't deny the man is a bit of a slut.

Also, the things about how to make hard boiled eggs and how to decrease cooking/heating time for a ham are factual. The promised recipe for deviled eggs is here.