#titless tuftmouse

I feel like I should be saying something very poetic and sappy here but honestly…it just feels normal? I’ve learned that it’s truly impossible to predict how you’ll feel about big emotional stuff, and that’s part of the joy of it, because you get to discover what it all means to you.

For me, I think top surgery was a very factually necessary thing. Just correcting a problem on a mechanical level. It feels a lot like getting over a cold that you’ve had for ages. You can finally breathe through your nose again, and because that’s the normal way of things, your body finds it unremarkable.

Weirdly, I think the biggest change has been the meta-effect of knowing that I can do tough things out of my comfort zone. I thought I would never get top surgery for years, in large part because I Didn’t Do Things Like That. It was too much! I couldn’t do something so intimidating and permanent! And now I feel like I’m much more capable of doing big things that challenge me, and doing what I want with my life and my body.

Anyway, here’s some pictures of my chest under the cut! They’re all of me with my shirt off, obviously, and a few of them have some blood/bruising/general minor medical stuff going on

They took the right drain out first, and I didn’t feel anything (my right side is totally numb, so that makes sense)

When they took the left one out, it felt like someone was tugging at my insides with a tight clinging sucking pull. It felt appalling. It wasn’t exactly pain, but it was Bad. Apparently if you are very lean the drains can get suctioned inside you! 0/10 feeling

It was the best of times: the drains are out!! All pain that I was feeling is gone, my ease and range of motion seems so much better, and I’m going to sleep propped up in my own bed tonight now that I’m no longer worried about somehow pulling them out of my body

A) I should have done this sooner, at least to get fresh air and remember there’s life outside my apartment walls

B) I should also, however, not do more than this for now, because my steps are still slow and shuffly, and I can feel the effort this is taking me like I normally do after a walk of several miles

Which is probably good because even with just the anesthesia in my system I am very constipated. That sucks

Oh also going to the bathroom sucks. It takes me fifteen minutes. Wish I’d figured out how to use an STP just for this

I did call the hospital after hours number about my right nipple. It’s not falling off. I do feel silly

I'm quite fond of my nipple hair

When I wear a sports bra and a tight t-shirt, it looks and feels like I have really nice pecs, and I doubt my actual pecs are that impressive

Sometimes in the winter it's nice to hold something soft and warm

When should I tell my parents I'm getting top surgery?

I don't really want to hide it from them, and I'm worried telling them too last minute will come across as keeping it from them, instead of just procrastinating out of nerves. I don't want them to feel hurt that I didn't tell them

But also, I don't want to tell them too soon, because then that will give them more time to be anxious, and it also might give my mom time to decide she's going to come and take care of me (no!! bad!! I love my mom, but I want to focus on recovery and being fully myself, and not on managing my mom's feelings about my post-op chest while remembering not to say fuck)

This is especially hard because my family has no history of emotional conversations--we just don't do emotions as a family. Whenever someone has one they take some private time to deal with it and come back when they're feeling better. So idk how my parents will see me getting an elective but necessary surgery for transgender reasons, because I have very little idea of how they react to me doing anything that brings up big emotions.

They will always love me no matter what, but they don't use my pronouns. My mom does use my friends' gender neutral pronouns, and called me "the birthday person" last year. She compliments my clothes sometimes! I could never imagine her attending PFLAG and proudly talking about my gender to her friends.

I have no fucking idea whether this is the kind of thing my mom will say "oh that's nice, thanks for telling us" about, or whether she'll anxiously worry but be supportive, or whether she'll send me a reply to my email that starts with "I am going to respectfully ask you to rethink this" I don't think it's going to be the latter but you never know?? My mom has a lot of weird hangups about doctors and medicine, and also comes from a very "don't alter anything about your body ever because it's anti-feminist" school of thought, and I have not done any medical transition yet!