#tiny plastic men

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The first thing that went through Tyler Cradzinski’s mind when he heard that today they would be testing the latest Doctor Whom licensed toy was “nothing could possibly go wrong”, a sentiment that he would not have had had he been able to remember his experiences with time travel related shenanigans.

October, who was rightfully spearheading this project, was already twiddling away with a mess of wires when Crad came in that morning, while Addison was in the corner, doing tricks with a light-up yo-yo. Everything seemed perfectly in order.

“Hey guys!” Crad greeted, wandering over to October’s desk.  “What’s the new Doctor Whom toy?”  October’s mismatched eyes glanced lazily up at him in their typical dower manner.

“Alexandra has tasked us with perfecting a replica of the Doctor’s iconic sonic hammer.”  This explained why the wires October was fiddling with were sprouting wildly out of the handle of an oddly familiar looking hammer.

“Perfecting?” What could possibly be complicated about a toy hammer?

“Alexandra insists that Mr. Gottfried wants it to simulate the effect of the real sonic hammer.”  There was something strangely discontented about the way October said this, but October was a generally strange and moody person, so Crad thought nothing of it.

“How are we going to pull that off?  If time travel were a thing that were possible, we would know, wouldn’t we?” Crad scoffed with a snicker.  October did not answer this question.  Instead, he carefully put the guts of the hammer back in and held it up in display.

“I have calibrated it to send the user a few minutes into the future. That should be enough to satisfy Mr. Gottfried without doing too much damage to the fabric of reality.”

“What, seriously?!”  Crad’s jaw dropped.  Addison, who had just turned his limited attention to his friends, burst with the usual degree of over the top excitement.

“We’re gonna do time travel?!”

“Like so.”  October pressed a button on the handle of the hammer and gave the work table a firm tap.  There was a rumbling crack like thunder and the gothic genius vanished.

“Holy shit!” Crad gasped after blinking a few times in the shock of October no longer being in front of him.  Addison clapped his hands together like a giddy child.

“I never have to wait for the microwave again!”  This elation morphed into a look of awe as Addison stopped to imagine the luxury of a life where instant mac ‘n cheese was actually instant.  It was, by his estimation, glorious.

“Hello again,” came October’s voice a moment later and the other two looked over to see their friend standing by the door.

“MAC ‘N CHEESE,” Addison exclaimed in greeting and October quirked an eyebrow at him before turning his attention to a dumbfounded Crad, awaiting his full reaction.

“So it works?”  October nodded curtly.  “Can I try it?”

“Certainly. I would advise being very careful, however.  This kind of technology is often temperamental and I haven’t fine-tuned the stabilizers yet.”

Unfortunately, Crad did not interpret “careful” as “gentle”, but rather “hold the handle firmly so as not to drop it”.  As such, he gripped the hammer tightly, pressed the same button that October had, and whacked the work table as violently as he would have if he had actually been trying to drive a nail into it.  The result was huge flash of light that consumed Crad and completely blocked everything else from his vision.

When the light faded, Crad found himself in a strange room, the sound of October shouting his name in alarm echoing in his mind.  The was very little light in the room, but after looking around for a minute, he noticed it was empty but for a plethora of boxes and some oddly familiar shelves.  As it occurred to him where he knew those shelves from, his mind went through a quick process of denial, horror, panic, acceptance, and panic again.  It seemed clear that he had been transported far enough ahead in time that the toy testing department was no longer in this room.  Hell, it might be in a different building or just not exist at all anymore.  Where should he go?  What should he do?  He didn’t know how far forward he might be. Regardless, he needed to figure out how to get back to his original time.

Squinting his eyes in the dimly lit room, Crad examined the sonic hammer for any evidence of a button that could send him back.  To his dismay, there was none.

“Fucking hell…” he muttered under his breath, looking around once more. The door, which seemed unfamiliar now without the decorations he was accustomed to seeing, had light coming in from the crack at the bottom, which meant that at least the place wasn’t abandoned.  On the other hand, who knew who Crad might meet out there. Understanding that he had little choice, he pulled at the heavy door, but found it locked.  “For crying out loud.”

Crad paused, thinking for a moment.  Elaborate plans started to form in his mind, all of them going nowhere, but then he remembered Addison and how the simplest solution tended to work out for him in the end. With that in mind, Crad began pounding on the door and shouting to be let out.

Almost immediately, he heard voices outside approaching and it wasn’t long before the door opened.  To his great displeasure, he was greeted by the unmistakable faces of the Bernards.  They were much older and wearing what looked like grey maintenance worker uniforms, but they were definitely the Bernards.

“Who the hell are you?” New Bernard asked.

“Holy shit, I think it’s Crad.  Remember Crad?”

“Can’t be.  Crad was uglier.”

“Fuck you, New Bernard,” Crad snapped and the other two stared in shock, finally fully realizing that the one and only Tyler Cradzinski was before them.

“You’re supposed to be dead!” Old Bernard blurted out after an awkward pause.

“What? What? What year is it?!”

“It’s 2036.”

A truly horrible sensation washed over Crad as the full weight of what this meant slowly dawned on him.  He had been gone for twenty years.  Oh god, Susie had been without him for twenty years.  Who had taken care of her?  The last he’d heard, Gloria was on her way to prison for corruption and was not in a position to parent.  What if something had happened to Susie?  He would never forgive himself if it had.

“We have to report this.  If we don’t and the boss finds out, we’ll…we’ll be fed to the…the…”  A look of horror formed on Old Bernard’s face as he trailed off.

“Wait, do you mean Alexandra?  What is she feeding you to?”

“The Falctopus!” New Bernard exclaimed dramatically.

“Doctor Von Chaos’s Falctopus?” Crad questioned with a disbelieving scowl.  “What the hell is Alexandra doing with that thing?”

“Doctor Von Chaos lends it to her when she needs to discipline employees.”

Well, this was certainly news.  It seemed that Alexandra had gone full iron fist in her rule of Gottfried Brothers Toys.  Judging by the state of her relationship with Doctor Von Chaos, that wasn’t as shocking to Crad as it otherwise could have been.

“Okay, do whatever you have to do, but I have to go.  I have to find October.”  If he found the October of this time, maybe he would be able to help him get back home.  The Bernards met this with continued looks of deep fear.  They exchanged significant glances before Old Bernard spoke again.

“We have to take you to the boss.”  The pair grabbed a confused Crad by the shoulders and pushed him towards the stairs.  Crad didn’t resist for the sole reason that Alexandra might be able to tell him where he could find October and he really hoped that the answer was not “six feet under” or “finally completely consumed with madness at the hands of Cthulhu”.

As he was led through the halls of the building, Crad took note of how much had changed.  There had clearly been some major renovation in the last twenty years.  The place was now made of dark marble and glass, like an evil sorcerer’s tower or some major law firm.  The spaces were quite open, but were exceptionally empty.  It was, simply put, very creepy, especially with the Bernards remaining strangely quiet.

They came to a large pair of black glass doors and New Bernard pressed a button in the wall on one side.  A small iris popped out and scanned each of their faces.  After a moment, a familiar voice addressed them.

“Who is that you have with you and what do you want?”  It was Alexandra alright and it sounded like she had already reached her third gin of the day.

“It’s, um, Crad, ma’am,” New Bernard replied meekly.

“If you’re shitting me, you’ll be scheduled for a meeting with the Falctopus,” was the only response before a long pause that ended with the doors opening.  Both Bernards seemed slightly relieved as they pushed Crad through to an extremely luxurious office, at the center of which was a large black desk with none other than Alexandra Gottfried sitting behind it, looking as miffed as ever.  She didn’t look that much older, so either the years had been kind to her or she was quite good with make up.

“Hi, Alexandra,” Crad greeted nervously, giving a tiny wave.  His boss had been intimidating in his own time, but there was no telling how ruthless she was now.  She stared at him for a good long minute, as if deciding for herself whether or not he was real.

“I don’t know where the hell you’ve been for the past twenty years, but there’s someone whom I’ve no doubt would like to see you straight away,” she finally stated.  Without looking away from him, she tapped a metal band on her wrist.

“What is it?” a woman’s voice asked sternly.  It sounded vaguely familiar, but Crad couldn’t place it.

“I’ve found him.”

“What? Where was he?!”  At this, Alexandra looked to the Bernards expectantly.

“Uh, h-he was in the basement,” Old Bernard answered obediently.

“Interesting. Send him immediately.”

“Of course.”  Now that was strange.  Where Crad came from, Alexandra didn’t take orders from anybody.  Unfortunately, before he could ask any questions, he was whisked away on a private jet, to where, he had no clue.  None of the people in black uniforms who had taken him would utter a single word to him.  He was left to his own thoughts for the entire duration of the flight.  It gave him a lot of opportunity to contemplate his situation and how he might get out of it.

This future, however little he may have seen of it thus far, seemed pretty dystopic, which wasn’t very encouraging to him, to say the least. He hoped that whoever he was being sent to would know where to find October, since Alexandra hadn’t even given him the chance to say anything.  Perhaps he was being sent to October himself.  That was certainly the best possible outcome and the most likely, since October had the brains to become important enough to have thugs in black suits answering to him and would actually be interested if Crad showed up after twenty years, being his best friend and all.

It was nighttime wherever they landed and Crad was ushered from the plane to an ominous looking black car.

“So this is where you ended up.”

Crad gasped at this comment, because it came from October Ravensloft, who was sitting on the other side of the car.  He was dark and pierced as ever.  In fact, the only truly different thing about him was the graying of his sideburns and temples.  His suit did look to be from a significantly more expensive designer than Crad remembered as well, but other than that, it was like October hadn’t changed at all.  At least that was what he had thought until October’s right hand emerged from behind the briefcase he was holding, revealing it to be a mechanical chrome prosthetic.

“Holy shit, October!” was all Crad could manage to say for the moment.

“I imagine you have a great many of questions.  I will begin with the ones that are probably most pressing to you.  Where are we going?  To the seat of Earth’s government.  What am I doing here?  I am the head advisor of the Prime Minister of Earth.  I was sent to personally bring you to my employer,” October rattled off casually.

“Who’s that?”

“Someone who misses you very much.”  Well, that was a bit cryptic, but it was very October, so Crad took it in stride and refocused his attention on his friend’s new hand, knowing he was more likely to get a proper answer.

“What the hell happened to your hand, man?”

“Ah, yes, you disappeared before that happened, didn’t you?  The official story is that there was an accident in the toy testing department at Gottfried Brothers, but what really happened is much more complicated.  Suffice to say, an important life was in danger and sacrifices had to be made.”  This more than anything solidified the notion of October as a politician in Crad’s mind.  His use of vague wording and the passive voice was masterful.

“Shit, dude.”

“Mr. Ravensloft, we’ve arrived,” the driver interrupted and Crad finally noticed that the car had stopped.  The door opened to reveal the side of a very large, official-looking building, with its white stone pillars and everything you would expect of an important head of state’s residence.  As they were led inside and Crad took in the décor, it became abundantly evident that the Earth's leader was a person of wealth and taste.  Whether that was in a Sympathy for the Devil kind of way or just an aesthetic way remained to be seen. Whatever the case may be, Crad was growing increasingly uneasy about meeting this this P.M. and was reminded that he need to persuade October to get him home.

“Hey, October, this is nice and all, but do you think maybe you could configure the sonic hammer to take me back to my time?”

“This is more important,” October responded darkly and Crad gaped.  What could possibly be more important than getting him home?

And then they came to a large, ornately carved mahogany door and were told to come in and Crad had his answer.

Sitting comfortably behind a large desk was a blonde woman who looked about as serious and stately as one could be without overdoing it.

“Dad!” she exclaimed, a grin spreading across her face and instantly warming her manner.  She got up and pulled Crad into a tight hug.

“Susie!?!?” Suddenly everything fell into place in Crad's mind and he was not at all certain of how it made him feel.  His daughter was all grown up and on top of that, she was quite literally ruling the world, but at what cost?  The world she ruled was a twisted, dark version of what it had once been.  Had she made it this way?

“I'm so glad we finally found you.  I've been so worried for the longest time that you went too far in the future for me to ever see you again,” Susie gushed, sounding so much like the little girl Crad remembered that he forgot for a moment that there was something dark about her.

“What happened?  Who took care of you after I disappeared?  How did you become Prime Minister of Earth?”

“That's a long story,” Susie began, stepping back from her father and sitting on the edge of her desk.  “When it became apparent that you weren't coming back anytime soon, it looked like I was going to go into foster care, but October pulled some resources, I forged some documents, and he became my guardian.”

“Aw, thanks for looking out for Susie, man.”  Crad looked to October, who gave a simple nod of acknowledgement.

“Anyway, after that, I focused very hard on school, learned a little dark magic, and pretty soon class president was turning into actual public offices,” Susie went on and Crad's smile turned to a deep scowl directed at October.

“You taught my daughter dark magic?!

“She picked it up on her own.  I just gave pointers,” October corrected with a shrug, but Crad had a feeling that wasn't the whole truth, going by the way that chrome hand had twitched when its owner had spoken.

“And a hand?” Crad challenged and October actually looked impressed by his perceptiveness.

“Yes. Well done, Crad.”

“I made my share of mistakes along the way,” Susie explained, “but I learned from them and that more than anything is what got me where I am today, at the top of the food chain.  Because of me, the Human Empire spans across twelve worlds and eight systems and absolutely no one dares fuck with us.”  Crad wasn't sure whether she wanted him to be proud or terrified by this.  Maybe it was both.  All he knew was this was not his Susie.  The Susie he knew would rule the world, yes, but not like this.  She wouldn't turn the place into a nightmare.  She'd make sure all things were fair and good.  This Susie, on the other hand, was scary.

“That's super great, honey!” was all Crad could think to say, though he was careful to use the same tone that he did when congratulating her on acing a test.  He didn't want to know what would happen if he made her angry.

“Thanks, dad.”

“Hey, y'know, this has been wonderful and all and it's awesome to see you doing so well, but I don't belong here and I'd like to get back to my own time now.”

“NO. YOU CAN'T.”  All of the sudden, Susie's eyes went jet black and a mystical gust blew through the room.  Dammit, Crad thought, he had said he didn't want to know what would happen if she turned angry.  Fucking hell. “I JUST GOT YOU BACK.  I CAN'T LOSE YOU AGAIN.”  Shit, that godly voice she was doing was scary, especially with objects now flying around the room.

“Hey, October, can you do something about this?” Crad murmured to his friend.

“She's your daughter.  You do it.”

“You've been teaching her dark magic for twenty years!”  That argument backfired a little when Crad realized twenty years was longer than the Susie from his time had been alive.  Damn, did that hurt.

“Not teaching.  Guiding from a distance.”

“Are you afraid of her?!”

“Who wouldn't be?  Her dark powers have surpassed even my own.  You'll note the demonic gaze.”  October gestured to the obsidian eyes which were now giving off wisps of dark energy as Susie continued to go on about never letting Crad out of her sight again.  “All prostrate themselves as lowly worms before the might of Susan Cradzinski.”

“What, so you're just going to let her trash everything and possibly kill some people until she calms down?  Because I sure as hell don't know what to do.”  At this, October looked for a moment like he was going to say yes, but then he quirked an eyebrow at Crad and sighed.

“Very well.  I see now that you cannot be integrated into this timeline.” October then turned back to Susie, who was in the midst of taking her desk apart, piece by piece, with her mind.  “Susie, Crad and I are going step outside.  We'll be brief, I promise.  Then we'll sit down and discuss Crad's situation,” he told her calmly and just like that, all the terrifying demonic shit vanished and Susie beamed.

“Okay! But please, be timely.  I'm on a tight schedule.  I have an empire to run, y'know.”

With that, October pulled Crad from the now ruined office and into the silent hallway outside.

“Thanks, man.”

“Crad, as much as I enjoy having you here again, you don't belong.  I like this world.  If you remain, it will be destabilized and you will never be happy, so quickly, give me the hammer before Susie realizes that I didn't promise that you would be here for our discussion.” Without hesitation, Crad handed over the sonic hammer and October began to fiddle with it.

“I've got one quick question before I go.”

“What is it?”

“Where are Addison and Jessie?”

“He's enjoying a luxurious life on Eden Secondus, paid for by the massive success of the Kitten Assassin reboot, and Jessie crossed Susie,” October answered, before giving Crad the modified sonic hammer and taking a step back.  “Press the orange button and go.  Good luck, my friend.”

“Same to you.”  Without further ado, Crad pressed the orange button and hit the wall as hard as he could.  There was a booming crack and a flash of light and he immediately found himself in the familiar setting of the toy testing room in 2016.

“There you are.  It's been an entire half an hour.”  And there was October, looking miffed, but without any grey hairs or prosthetic hands, so it was fine by Crad.

“Sorry. I guess I got a little carried away,” he said with a small smile as he carefully placed the hammer back on the work table.  October frowned and picked it up.

“Curious...” the genius muttered, but said nothing of the obvious modifications to the toy, much to Crad's relief, though he was certain there would be a conversation later and already had plans for a 'no magic lessons for Susie' lecture.

“You could have made so much mac 'n cheese,” was Addison's only comment and Crad laughed, glad to have his life back.