Gairm Na Fitheach

Sometimes I worry that I've been without romance in my life for so long that I won't be able to handle it if I were to actually experienced it.

Like I feel like I'm getting to an age where it's less acceptable to not know how to act in a relationship. People think that shit is cute in fiction, but in reality, I don't think people have that much patience. When it's a fictional character, people are all "oh, my sweet, awkward cinnamon roll who doesn't know how to be normal uwu", but if they encounter someone who is that awkward in real life, they are pulling the ripcord at the earliest opportunity. I know this because of the amount of difficulty my general awkwardness has caused me in my work life and having observed how people treat others with similar struggles.

I loathe being in my 30's and not having experiences and skills that most people are expected to have by their late teens and early twenties. It makes me feel like a child, and I hate that so fucking much, especially because I apparently still look like a teenager. I'm a grown ass adult, and I want to act like and be seen as one. I don't want to burden a hypothetical boyfriend with all of my uncertainty around pacing and boundaries and the slow process of getting my nervous system to accept vulnerability enough to open up and reach out and feel secure. I'm such a mess.

I know, I know, "If it's meant to be, he'll accept you as you are, struggles and all," but the thing is, I have a hard time conceiving of anyone who could love my virtues enough that he'd see my flaws as well worth it. I've been burned so many times in my family, in my work, and in friendships by people who demand perfection from me that it really feels like the world is telling me that I'm not enough, that sooner or later, I'm going to make too many mistakes, be too much of a burden. Why would it be any different with a romantic relationship? How do I not wait for the other shoe to drop?

I want so much to find someone who has the understanding and patience to show me how to navigate these things without judgement. I want someone to hold my hand and teach me to trust that he's not going to let go, no matter how stupid I show myself to be. I want him to look at me like I'm the most beautiful thing in the world, even when I'm greasy and grumpy and don't have the energy to mask my autism.