Today my friend drew me as the moon.

I don't think she knew how much the moon meant to me. Back then, my best friend whom I cared so much for had called me like the moon. It was so long ago, but some moments are stuck in their original forevers. Nothing will change them as they were created. Not my resentments, my tears or griefs, my sunny days, or time. Not my age, nothing can change those slices of forevers. Crystal clear.

And how my old best friend had said I saved her in the darkness. I was like a light and I said "Like the moon?"

Then I told her, "all my friends are like the sun then. I'm glad to belong in the darkness. That's where I'm meant to be. While you dance in the sun, each of us dancing and reflecting eachother's light. I'm glad to be you're moon."

She brought out the poet in me. haha, maybe i always wanted to seem philosophical infront of her...in those days.

So today I was greeted with a drawing from a new friend who has a similar light to my old best friend. And guess what? She drew me like the moon. It is the prettiest moon. I DON'T KNOW how she thought of that. Either way, I'm so very grateful. Old nostaglia rose up and I wonder... I wonder, if we'll ever get to meet in real life someday. A picnic under the sunlight sky...would be...brilliant. And if we could see the moon, then I think that day, when it happened, whenever in time, has the perfect makings of a perfect day~ Another new forever.

Always to that somewhere where cosmic feelings reside and illuminates what forever will be and was.

Dreams come and don’t fade as much as we’d like.

All of the hate that rubs against us takes its flight.

Bringing disaster among all your dreams and fills the night

There are now no stars glittering here or inside.

Blinding as always is the hope that doesn’t ignite.

Chiding as always are the things we thought we’d never leave behind.

But look at us now and how we’ve disappeared. Or our dreams have lucked out for we do not live them.

So as always, we live another day while losing our desperation to have these dreams stay.

Let us root up the weeds that gave us these dreams.

Let me pour from the well that I’m sure still exists, rain let me rain on my mind.

Beauty, lovely, and all the things I’ve been meaning to say because they were always the things I’ve been meaning to replay. Again for another chance, again for my past, and again for my future, as always as always.

Bongo the Bear was made in 1947.

None of my friends ever heard of this movie and doubted that such a movie was created by Disney.

Yeah, the last time I saw it, I was 4. But I would rewatch it over and over again. And I never forgot my love for Bongo.

In short

I'm glad I've finally found a whiff of my calling. Then again I always knew it had to do something with animation. I love watching cartoons, movies, and reading books and comics.

The things that are catching me off guard though are that many people I know are telling me to grow up and get a grip with reality.

I always imagined that it would be the people that you didn’t know who would bring you down. Not the people you love! Woe is me. Although I do understand their worry. If we are not walking down the same path…then will it be harder to be friends? Yeah, probably. But I’ve got no doubt in our friendship…well sometimes…but most of the time I still believe that no matter what time does or changes…we’ll still care for each other. More or less. :)

As for reality and reality checks, I know what reality is. I've known since I was a freshman at high school. What reality and growing up meant. What owning up to your adulthood meant. To your responsibilities and surviving and success. As a dreamer you can distinguish both and that is why sometimes wonderful stories become so painful. Because they aren't fully real. Except for that one moment while reading or watching, when they are. They were. So I know! I know I gotta take my role as an adult. Little do my loved ones know, I'm not all on board about the losing of childhood part yet. I'll like the impossible always! And magic! And dreams. No. Those are my important things I don't ever intend to give up on! If they love me at all, at least spare me the decency to be a kid at heart for as long as I’m up to it. Don’t change me. Accept me. Why can’t they just accept me for that as I accept them? Dear.

And after visiting my college today, yes I went today, the place which caused me one of the greatest turmoil’s in my short life it wasn’t so bad... There were these cheery blossom trees everywhere and that was bad but I went back to the place that I loved and hated the most. The library. And going back there…I felt as if I never lost time. I felt like I came back home as sappy as that sounds.

All that pain. All that loneliness and restlessness. Two years in flashes came back to me. What I once considered time lost was actually time found. Really, growing older does wacky stuff because I’d thought I’d resent this place or regret it if anything. Anyone would! Wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you hate the thing that destroyed everything you once were and all you ever wanted to be? Your sanity, tested. Your happiness broken? Your sense of love screwed around so much that you‘d think you were the only person on earth…alone and lonely. Cold and dark. It isn’t that way now. Yet, I still feel the parts of myself that got beaten up by time. I still remember my childhood there.

Went back to my old usual spots and saw the graffiti’s I wrote. Living proof that I was there and thought there. That I dreamt there and studied there. Ate there too. Gosh. That library is now the land of my lost childhood. Despite it all, that was the place where my muse came. My love for all things stories, all things cartoons. I remembered that and thanked the library for that. If I had chosen some other college…I would have been happy. Probably would have never gotten into tumblr. Would have given up manga and cartoons in exchange for parties and real life experiences. Well, more of them. I would have continued to live my life with my eyes closed…or with those rosey colored glasses, romanticizing life and being a full on philosopher. I couldn’t ever fathom of a day I’d take them off. Or a time I’d become unrecognizable to myself. Not recognizing my dreams and losing faith in myself and in the things I loved. Certain events needed to happen I realize. Although it could have been a lot less shitty. That part should have been. However, I’m glad that because of all that I am who I am today. And I kind of like myself. I like where my mind is going and where I’m going to take myself. I’m hopeful in life. I know what to not lose. My humanity. My sympathy. My ability to laugh or be silly. To forgive more but to allow myself to be human. I can scream if I want to although I don’t think I’ve tried. It’ll happen. :)

Any who, I sort of know what I want to do with my life since philosophizing is out. Philosophizing was of the muses that sort of died off with age and at college. Weird right? You’d think that the older one gets, the wiser they get. For me it was sort of backwards. I was thinking back at age 10…and boy high school was the wakeup call. So these past 6 years were mostly philosophizing. Now…now…I can finally admit that it sort of turned off. But no worries! I’ve still got old reliable stories and music which is pretty good at inspiring. And provoking those deeper thoughts of life…and death…and tragedy…and comedies!

On the other hand I’ll probably be doing cartoons and all that jazz as a hobby since I can’t ever imagine people wanting to read or see my stuff….(that’d be too weird). I’ll probably be a teacher. Or become a surfing teacher. Still gotta learn how to surf and break a couple of bones…which I did once…it wasn’t that bad except for the part when I screamed silently and no one knew until I went limping into the house and fumbled around for an icepack. Other than that Yeah. I can see myself being a teacher for that. Or like a coordinator for events to bring people together. It would definitely help dreamers and those who have lost their insanity at one point. I’m good at dealing with that. I do that for my friends after all.

Or am I their living nightmare? Asking them what exactly they are living for and willing to fight for. What are their values and dreams? Those types of "nonimportant" but uncomfortable questions.

Moving on.

As for my unrealistic goals which I sort of still see as doable. Here is the list.

Owning an aquarium and filling it will all the species I can. Thus having no one eat them and it’ll give them a chance to pass on their good genes. Since we mass harvest so many and already brought the extinction upon so many this sounds like a good idea, right? I’m just hoping that the species people see less of just went deeper the ocean. Gosh I hope so. I like my shrimp and tuna and in a hundred years I hope the future can have that too. Finances…? Still thinking on it.

Hot air balloon is happening no matter what. That is the toy I’m willing to sacrifice time to attain. Public of course so I can give rides to the townsfolk, photographers, and friends.

Building a town wouldn’t be bad. Eco friendly and bringing some of that European vibe to the states. At low prices too because I believe that everyone should feel like a prince and princess. Even at a low salary. So that they can focus on more important things other than surviving and living from paycheck to paycheck. More important things like family for example? And DREAMS! Living the dream and coming alive.

Making my own movies and books. As a human and a shitty writer…why not? I’ve got ideas rattling in my head, nagging to be written down. If someone likes it…wow…I’d be all wow. If it never gets seen…I’m just glad I wrote it down before I forget. Because I forget every single thing I write down. Why? Why is that life? Is this some sort of cosmic joke? Does it even involve the cosmic?!!!

Probably not.

As for buying a desaltation devise…that would be great. Creating more fresh water…even though it’s not really fresh since all the water the earth has made is probably all the water it’ll ever have. I may be wrong here. Probably. Hopefully?

Make my own music. I kind of my like the lyrics I write. Or I should just track down aspiring artists and be like oh hey I wrote some wicked lyrics about life and the meaning of our lives and life itself…wanna put that in your song? So maybe I wouldn’t phrase like that…or should I?

As for changing the world? I don’t think I’ll even make a little bloop! I even had a nice conversation with two older people and they said that changing the world is just an impossible pipedream. I like pipedreams and impossible ness. However, I wish I could be stronger…because if I get hit by another wave of depression then I don’t think I’ll be able to move forwards at all…or move…or live. It gets bad.

As for now I’m fine and healthy! Happy and healthy! And these little wishes can be doable through cash and determination…plus the help of others…however who would want to help me fulfill these projects? And why would they want to? This means a lot to me…I’d die a happy girl if I can see these things pass…or be done again. They probably were already done. Well then. Let me do it again! Haha!

Let us not be sad for all the journey's we have missed.

Let us not be sad for the fact that we live in the greatest of all tragedies.

Let us not be sad that we will infact die as everything else will fade.

Let us not be sad for our grief.

Let us not be sad for our wounds and our disconnections between our truest selves and all we wish to be.

Let us not just to be sad for all the sad things that exist.

Let us glow as we always should have been.

Let us take on that grief and our pains.

Let us move slowly to the future which is our present without changing ourselves.

Let us not reject our flaws and what makes us us.

Let's take ourselves into the future having love take you there.

Let us see what must be done even if it's just for fun.

Let us remember our happinesses and all which doesn't exist.

Let us remember where our souls go in the night.

Let us recall our childhood dreams and why we ever wanted them.

Let us remember the characters which have never truly lived, remaining in pages, in shows, in movies, in songs, in daydreams, in the sky...in the nothingness.

Let us see where humanity has brought us. The homes, the streets, the songs, the recipies, the skateboards, the everything that exists...

Let us look at the children who will grow up like us.

Let us look at the adults who once were filled with youth like us.

Let's look around at all we have and don't. Looking closer at our wonderful galaxy which we call home.

So yes we have the resources. So yes we have the imagination. We have hearts that beat which reminds us we are the very symbol we have sought for. We are life. We live and death is so close. But let us laugh more then. Let us cry more. Let us be kinder to strangers who really aren't strangers after all. They could be our bestests friends! Our saviors. Our inspirerers. They can make life worth living again as you can be that for them. After all we have to let ourselves be...

Let us watch for the signs of beauty which I find in music.

Let us watch for those who are clinging to life without anymore reasons to live for.

Let us create with everyone.

Let us remember we are all human. Let us remember we are all seeking to become dreams come true...

Let us make our way if there is no path and make life worth it.

So that in the end of your everything...may your smile of all the you's that ever were and have existed...may your smile and everyone else's smiles whom you shared that with, be the thing that shines the brightest. So that when the darkness takes us, we will know that this life was one. That this world is unlike any other. True, there are not many perfect things. If that is so, take your hands, take your voice, take your eyes and make it. Bring things that never had a chance to exist to life. Bring love to life where there were no bridges. Be the connection and the sun that passes on the reflections of others.

Let us take our time if we need to. Let us start when we are ready and geared up with whatever is our most important things. 

Let us remember our morals and values. Let us remember what is silly and fun.

Let us sing in the mornings and in the nights.

Let us plant gardens and talk with others.

Let us find meaning in our lives or let us make meaning.

Let us feel when we become cold.

Let us search for our humanity when it is lost.

We must not lose our important things. We must never lose sight... for if you do then what makes you you anymore?

Let us let us let us be dreamers and be doers. Perfect that mixture in our most personal way.