#tiitalk

This week’s magic drunkz word is spoopy! It’s not poopy. It’s not spooky. It’s SPOOPY!!

Live link!: http://j.mp/tiitalkliveshow

SPONSORS

Johnson’s Wireless Intercourse: now guilt free and no strings attached!

We have a special message from the ABMS, the Association for Bowel Movement Safety. Sit to the left of the hole when having a movement to prevent unwanted spontaneous combustion.

Nose Milk - we shoot every carton out our noses so you don’t have to!

Sally’s Fresh Ground Chuck - Makes great burgers. 10% of sales go to the Find Charles Foundation.

Rob Ford’s Mayoral Crack Pipes - each pipe comes with a free government pension!

Jizzy’s Juicy Jambalaya - It’s so tasty you’ll feel it in your taint!

THESPIANISM (thezzing out) - Pulp Fiction

INT. '74 CHEVY (MOVING) – MORNING

              An old gas guzzling, dirty, white 1974 Chevy Nova BARRELS

              down a homeless-ridden street in Hollywood. In the front

              seat are two young fellas – one white, one black – both

              wearing cheap black suits with thin black ties under long

              green dusters. Their names are VINCENT VEGA (white) and JULES

              WINNFIELD (black). Jules is behind the wheel.

                                    JULES [Tyler]

                        – Okay now, tell me about the hash

                        bars?

                                    VINCENT [Bryan]

                        So what you want to know?

                                    JULES

                        Well, hash is legal there, right?

                                    VINCENT

                        Yeah, it's legal, but is ain't a

                        hundred percent legal. I mean you

                        can't walk into a restaurant, roll a

                        joint, and start puffin' away. You're

                        only supposed to smoke in your home

                        or certain designated places.

                                    JULES

                        Those are hash bars?

                                    VINCENT

                        Yeah, it breaks down like this: it's

                        legal to buy it, it's legal to own

                        it and, if you're the proprietor of

                        a hash bar, it's legal to sell it.

                        It's legal to carry it, which doesn't

                        really matter 'cause – get a load of

                        this – if the cops stop you, it's

                        illegal for this to search you.

                        Searching you is a right that the

                        cops in Amsterdam don't have.

                                    JULES

                        That did it, man – I'm fuckin' goin',

                        that's all there is to it.

                                    VINCENT

                        You'll dig it the most. But you know

                        what the funniest thing about Europe

                        is?

                                    JULES

                        What?

                                    VINCENT

                        It's the little differences. A lotta

                        the same shit we got here, they got

                        there, but there they're a little

                        different.

                                    JULES

                        Examples?

                                    VINCENT

                        Well, in Amsterdam, you can buy beer

                        in a movie theatre. And I don't mean

                        in a paper cup either. They give you

                        a glass of beer, like in a bar. In

                        Paris, you can buy beer at

                        MacDonald's. Also, you know what

                        they call a Quarter Pounder with

                        Cheese in Paris?

                                    JULES

                        They don't call it a Quarter Pounder

                        with Cheese?

                                    VINCENT

                        No, they got the metric system there,

                        they wouldn't know what the fuck a

                        Quarter Pounder is.

                                    JULES

                        What'd they call it?

                                    VINCENT

                        Royale with Cheese.

                                    JULES

                             (repeating)

                        Royale with Cheese. What'd they call

                        a Big Mac?

                                    VINCENT

                        Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call

                        it Le Big Mac.

                                    JULES

                        Le Big Mac. What do they call a

                        Whopper?

                                    VINCENT

                        I dunno, I didn't go into a Burger

                        King.  But you know what they put on

                        french fries in Holland instead of

                        ketchup?

                                    JULES

                        What?

                                    VINCENT

                        Mayonnaise.

                                    JULES

                        Goddamn!

                                    VINCENT

                        I seen 'em do it. And I don't mean a

                        little bit on the side of the plate,

                        they fuckin' drown 'em in it.

                                    JULES

                        Uuccch!

#FACTS

Albert Einstein's surname originated due to the fact that all males in his family were born with one ball.

Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia of the House of Drăculești, better known as Vlad The Impaler and source of the Dracula mythology, had a beloved pair of Chihuahuas named Pookums and Sunshine.

RIFFING

We’ve been working on our book, Men Explain Everything slated for publishing in 2014. Check out the site @ http://menexplaineverything.com and FB page @ http://facebook.com/menexplaineverything

DONATE TO TYLER like I did and Heidi did. If everyone who watches the show gave Tyler $1000 he’d have $1000.

BRYAN

I hate when people on the phone (tech support, etc.) try to use the International Radiotelephony Spelling Alphabet but they're all like Apple Boy Cockring Dildo instead of Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta…

Receptionist at FAG Bearings. No periods because fags don't have periods. It was the 80s.

Thought I heard a Finance person ask, "are you writing a cheque your ass can't cash RIGHT NOW??"

3 inch pube in the urinal at work! Dude 3 words: personal grooming system!

TYLER

America laughs at the silly Canada’s crack smoking Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford. You want real corrupt politicians? You gotta come to the United States, my Northern peeps!!

Why are there no Mint-flavored suppositories?

I’ve been working on my Astral Projection lately. I can only get to the bathroom, then I can’t pee because I’m a ghost. Sucks.

Whenever I walk down the street and a Yeti is walking the other way, I clutch my purse tightly.

REVIEWS

BRYAN (because he likes to pee)

Betty’s and Mai Tais. And Chateau Ste. Michelle Gewurztraminer.

Candy Crush. It doesn't add turns your friends sent you if you're already maxed out at 5. You only get 5 turns. "Micro" transactions are hardly micro. Quirky - it chooses the direction you move your pieces sometimes. Maddening. I actually just uttered "son of a cock whistle" while playing it. It makes decisions for you, or at least it tries to influence your decisions. It is an asshole. You know there's a problem when the game actually makes me hate chocolate. I have to play with the sound of because the voice over guy sounds like a pervert. I find myself saying, "fuck you, chocolate" an awful lot. I'm pretty sure the chocolate is a metaphor for cancer, the way it spreads. And I'm further convinced the whole game is a metaphor for addiction and the cost - both monetary and psychological - on its victims and their families. Then it asks you to invite your non-addicted friends to play. That like your drug dealer asking you if you have any friends who'd like to try heroin. And now I'm probably going to play Candy Crush after the show.

TYLER (I got more because Bryan always has to pee) shut up No, YOU shutup.

A new wine and nothing else. Boo hoo!

Monsters University from Pixar.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

BRYAN

Cat ears do not a Halloween costume make.

My stripper name is Stiffanie.

Napoleon and Brosephine.

Rob Ford is a fat crack-smoking idiot!

Rock over London, rock out in Chicago! White Castle, it's what you crave!

TYLER

I once owned a cadre of schlubs.

And MY stripper name is Spoopy Rainbow!

Castor Oil is NOT good for stir fry.

Squids don’t like Mozart.

Slippery Nipples make me nervous.

SWORPL

The rules of the game are that you must use Google and you have to turn off Safe Search. Moderate doesn’t count. And now we get to show them during the show!

Bryan:

filthy muffin disco balls - http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/03/19/article-0-123C01EB000005DC-601_634x378.jpg and http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_pfFakkafeqY/SL6xzOBkZOI/AAAAAAAAApA/pONf0axn2aw/s320/disco+boobs.jpg

This week’s magic drunkz word is PENIS! Because reasons!!

Live link!: http://j.mp/tiitalkliveshow

SPONSORS

Kentucky Fried Penis: It’s penis-licking good!

Pantaloons - The original and only slacks for waterfowl AND crazy people.

Ellis Dental. We’re pretty sure he’s a dentist and doesn’t work for FedEx.

Dickens In A Hole - Experience the works of the legendary author from the bottom of a well.

Hipster Juice: made with fresh squeezed hipsters. Now includes real chunks of eyeglass frames!

La Saucisse Frite - Our dude peeps seriously need to stay away from this place. We’re not kidding.

SHOUTOUT: Hey, HVAC dude from Carl’s Jr. this morning. Thanks for watching!!

THESPIANISM (thezzing out) - Dumb & Dumber

The crowd APPLAUDS and begins to mingle again. Lloyd turns back to the Bartender and holds up his empty glass.                                     LLOYD [Tyler]                         Two more, please.               Harry stares at Lloyd with concern.                                     HARRY [Bryan]                         Lloyd, I've never seen you this                         uptight. You've gotta chill out.                                     LLOYD                         I can't help it. This is a very                         important night for me.                              (beat)                         Harry, have you ever wondered why                         you and I never have long-term                         girlfriends?                                     HARRY                         What are you talking about? I went                         out with Fraida Felcher for two and                         a half weeks.                                     LLOYD                         That was a fluke.                              (beat)                         The reason we never have long-term                         girlfriends is because of one thing:                         We're afraid of the C word.                                     HARRY                         That's crazy. We live for the C word.                                     LLOYD                         I'm talking bout commitment.                                     HARRY                              (beat)                         Oh.                                     LLOYD                         Well I'm ready for commitment, Harry.                         The first time I laid eyes on Mary                         Swanson, I knew she was the one.                              (beat)                         Some things you feel in your heart,                         other things you feel in your groin.                         This girl makes me feel it all in                         the heart.               Suddenly Lloyd notices something across the room. Lloyd quickly turns toward the bar.                                     LLOYD                         Oh shit, there she is.                                     HARRY                              (checking her out)                         Wow. You weren't kidding, Lloyd.                         She's an angel.                              (beat)                         Well, what are you waiting for? Get                         over there and talk to her.                                     LLOYD                         She's gonna think I'm some kind of                         psycho when she realizes how far I                         came just to see her.                                     HARRY                         You have her briefcase -- she's gonna                         be thrilled to see you.                                     LLOYD                         And then what? She'll take it back                         and that'll be it. I'm a nobody.               Harry thinks about this a moment.                                     HARRY                         Look, man, you just drove two thousand                         miles to see this girl. Don't quit                         on the last fifty feet.                                     LLOYD                              (brightening)                         Wait a second, I have an idea. You                         go over and introduce yourself. That                         way you can build me up so when I                         come along I won't have to brag about                         myself. Tell her I'm good-looking                         and I'm rich and I have a rapist's                         wit.                                     HARRY                         I can't tell her you're good looking,                         Lloyd -- she's got eyes.               Lloyd takes a big gulp of his new martini.                                     LLOYD                         Please Harry, I'm appealing to you                         as one loser to another. Just build                         me up and then give me a signal to                         come over. Please.               Harry SIGHS.                                     HARRY                         All right. But you're gonna owe me a                         big one for this.               Harry straightens his polka-dot bow-tie, then APPROACHES               Mary, who is now standing alone, admiring the owls.                                     HARRY                         Nice set of hooters you got there.

#FACTS

9 out of 10 or 87% of all barnyard animals are poisonous.

Between 1811 and 1843, the law required all Cartographers to perform sexual favors in exchange for ink.

RIFFING

CHECK OUT our Thunderclap page and stand up for your favorite web drinking game fun show, The International Incident. It’s entirely free and you will help get the word out to more potential viewers. You can find the site @ http://j.mp/promotetiitalk. DO IT!!

DONATE TO US or somewhere at some time you least expect it, we will each grow a third nipple!

BRYAN

Let’s just say, much like Kanye West, I am a creative genius. And people are either going to love me or hate me. But please love me.

Erin’s gym teacher asked if there was a vet nearby. Because these pythons are sick.

A big "fuck you" to all the people who insist on taking the elevator one floor.

I'm beginning to experience more Skytrain rage. Nudging people and mentally preparing for confrontation.

Um, I need something positive to talk about...

Last name Fontenele?? Why is someone named after the soft spot on a baby's head??

With enough duct tape anything is possible.

TYLER

Crabcakes.

Syphilis.

Pornish game hens.

Pig slop.

Asparagus pee.

Shaving yaks.

Astronaut toilets.

REVIEWS

BRYAN (because he likes to pee)

Betty’s and Mai Tais. And Jackson-Triggs Riesling. Yes RIESLING!

Colecovision for iOS! http://www.tuaw.com/2013/10/09/colecovision-to-be-resurrected-in-app-form-but-you-need-to-kick/

TYLER (I got more because Bryan always has to pee) shut up No, YOU shutup.

A wine and a bottle of Sangria to finish!

Google’s emoticons. They suck, and not like vacuums or whores.

The SNL episode starring Miley Cyrus. Fail. Utter fail. Udder fail, even.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

BRYAN

You're not fooling anybody by offering free samples of "vitamin semen".

Do you think there's a market for Hitler blow-up dolls?

How about Eva Braun blow-up dolls?

Oh I get it - "blow up".

Where can I get a pair of Juicy sweatpants in extra large?

Rock over London, rock out in Chicago! The Home Depot, it's America's home improvement warehouse

TYLER

Sepsis is not a European candy.

You cannot tell when women are cold in the arctic unless they are nekkid.

Eva Braun had a penis the size of a kielbasa.

We done blowed that up REEEAAAALLLLL good!

Daryl Hannah owns a 10 foot spork.

SWORPL

The rules of the game are that you must use Google and you have to turn off Safe Search. Moderate doesn’t count. And now we get to show them during the show!

Bryan:

pimple creation multiple splendor - http://www.sumobattle.com/wp-content/uploads/sumo-battle.jpg      

This week’s magic drunkz word is coccyx! That’s the tailbone ya vagina!

Live link!: http://j.mp/tiitalkliveshow

SPONSORS

Chad Kroeger’s Hair Salon. You’ll walk out looking like a brand new douche. This is the Kroeger Guarantee.

The Miley Cyrus Sexual Attraction Academy - Twerking it gets all kinds uh mens, boyeee!!

Cougarmart - the only supermarket that caters to cougars. Our bag boys are just the beginning, if you know what we mean.

The Boehner Foundation For The Advancement of Stupid White People - Shutting down the government since 1995!

William Shakespeare’s Ear Poison. Ear poison: It’s making a comeback!

Wicked Wasp’s Deluge Drops - Eye Drops that are specially formulated to make you cry five minutes after application so you can look sad when someone you hate dies and make cops believe you didn’t kill him.

THESPIANISM (thezzing out) - Seinfeld: The Note

New scene.

Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.

Jerry [Tyler]:  No appointments at all?  Because my neck is still tight.  What about

Thursday?  And Friday?  Oh boy.  Okay, thanks anyway.

George enters acting nervous.

Jerry [Tyler]:  What's with you?

George [Bryan]:  A...

Jerry:  Yes, A...?

George:  A man gave me...

Jerry:  Yes, a man gave you...?

George:  A man gave me... a massage.

Jerry:  So?

George:  So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...

Jerry:  He was what?!

George:  He was... touching and rubbing.

Jerry:  That's a massage.

George:  And then I took my pants off.

Jerry:  You took your pants off?

George:  For my hamstring.

Jerry:  Oh.

George:  He got about two inches from... there.

Jerry:  Really?

George:  I think it moved.

Jerry:  Moved?

George:  It may have moved, I don't know.

Jerry:  I'm sure it didn't move.

George:  It moved!  It was imperceptible but I felt it.

Jerry:  Maybe it just wanted to change positions?  You know, shift to the other

side.

George:  No, no.  It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.

Jerry:  Okay, so what if it moved?

George:  That's the sign!  The test; if a man makes it move.

Jerry:  That's not the test.  Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of

contact.

George:  You think it's contact?  It has to be touched?

Jerry:  That's what a gym teacher once told me.

#FACTS

Prohibition is still enforced in parts of the Southern United States. However, this still hasn’t stopped hillbillies from pumping their sisters and creating an endless stream of county and western artists.

The form of comedy called Slapstick is commonly thought to have been derived from puppet shows that featured the antagonist striking other puppets with a stick. In reality it comes from the Ancient Arabian practice of Jelqing which, if done wrong would result in the Jelqer being slapped in the face and causing laughter.

RIFFING

CHECK OUT our Thunderclap page and stand up for your favorite web drinking game fun show, The International Incident. It’s entirely free and you will help get the word out to more potential viewers. You can find the site @ http://j.mp/promotetiitalk. DO IT!!

DONATE TO US or somewhere at some time you least expect it, an adorable bunny will die!

BRYAN

Have a word with yourself about preventable injuries? Reflective fun house mirror ad in the elevator, placed for giants. We cater to International students where I work! So lower it!

Speaking of work, I think there's a tap dancing class offered now, since I saw that lady in the blue sequined top.

Old people love fullscreen YouTube. No, not ME.

Like, why do people, like, say "like" so like much?

Chubby Stick lipstick??

I think my 339 is finally paid off. Did I mention I think I may be obsessed with guitars?

I thought I still had it when this guy kept winking at me in the elevator at work this week, but I think he was just a special ed student.

TYLER

Breaking Bad was the best ending ever! Sorry, I ran out of topic space due to twerking. Ew!

RANDOM BATTLE LIVE #1

Have I mentioned I’ve never watched one single episode of Breaking Wind?

As I grow older, I’m starting to grow hair in all of the horrifying places we feared in our youth, and the hair I already have is changing into pubes.

The US Gubmint is all shits down, peeps!! YAY, no more teachers, dirty looks!!

I went to a clam bar, but it turned out just to be a place for seafood and drinks so I came home and drank alone in my closet.

We need to go to the Hounen Matsuri, a Japanese festival that celebrates the fertility of the penis by parading statues of erections through the streets. It is said that rubbing one gets you good luck!

REVIEWS

BRYAN

Betty’s and Mai Tais.I’m too cheap and lazy to go get wine.

Apple’s Genius Shuffle.

World War Z.

TYLER (I got more because Bryan always has to pee) shut up

A blended wine that’s supposed to be good and a glass of Sangria to open!

This is 40 starring Judd Apatow, or at least he wrote it, which means its all him done by other people.

Automated phone menus.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

BRYAN

I'm just glad no one else can hear the voices in my head.

Twerking care of business!

I came in like a twerking ball!

"Taint" is a *terrible* safe word!

Ever snap your fingers and accidently hit yourself in the knob end??

Rock over London, rock out in Chicago! Blockbuster Video! Wow, what a difference!

TYLER

I’m one of them.

And slapping babies for relaxation!

And left like a tongue.

Antidisestablishmentarianism is, too.

Not this week, but I did accidentally wash it.

SWORPL

The rules of the game are that you must use Google and you have to turn off Safe Search. Moderate doesn’t count. And now we get to show them during the show!

Bryan:

fat baby dance party - http://themetapicture.com/media/funny-Asian-fat-kid-dancing-jumping.jpg          

SPONSORS

Humpty’s Egg Baskets - put ALL your eggs in here. It’s going to be fine...

Slutty Sally’s Nudie Bar - Now with confessionals for all of your naked lady dancing and forgiveness needs.

Jersey’s Barn Door Closers - we’ll close the barn door well after the horses have bolted. Or your horses back free!

Puke Flavored Spam - Why should it taste any different coming up as when it goes down?

Karate Man’s Karate Fight Club - with karate all things are possible. Ask us about the flying time travel scissor kick!

Duck Sauce - THE sexy lube for ducks who love ducking ducks.

THESPIANISM (aka Thezzing out) - Napoleon Dynamite

Napoleon (Bryan)

Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip!

Kip (Tyler face)

Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes, all day. Besides, we both know I'm training to become a cage fighter.

Napoleon

Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.

Kip

Try and hit me, Napoleon.

Napoleon

What?

Kip

I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

Napoleon

Such an idiot!

Kip

Let me see what your best move is.

Napoleon

[Sighs]

[Doorbell Rings]

Napoleon

I'll go get it.

[Napoleon slaps Kip]

Kip

Geez!

#FACTS

The 1960s never happened. The Doors, the Beatles, Hendrix and Vietnam were all created on a soundstage by the NSA. And I was never born. The moon landing was real though. Well real.

Spina Bifida is a horrible disease, a brand of motor oil in Kazakhstan, and a tasty Korean dish.

RIFFING

CHECK OUT our book page for Men Explain Everything! We are writing it now and hope to have it available early 2014.

DONATE TO US or we will keep bitching about it!

BRYAN

I think what it comes down to is people have more fun being on the show than watching it.

When I was a kid in the Cub Scouts one of the leaders told us a story of a scout who rode his bike in front of a bus to save the life of a Girl Guide, and I was so afraid that one day I'd have to die for some bitch I didn't even know.

At work the other day I said "fuck doll" when I made a typo. Probably not a good idea.

It's kind of sad when your biggest accomplishment during the week is beating a level of Candy Crush.

I forgot about my jazz triangle lesson this afternoon.

Shabby customer service at Shefield Express.

TYLER

I have daddy issues, but I don’t want to talk about them because then I’ll sound like a whiner.

If you’re going to makes jokes that include sex with my mom, be aware that she’s dead and that would constitute necrophilia.

I’ve been married for 16 years now, so that’s 16 years of psychological damage I’ve got saved up. Whee.

I wrote a not-for-kids picture book this week called Tommy’s New Toys and now I’m looking for an illustrator. It’s written in the spirit of Go The Fuck To Sleep by Samuel L. Jackson, but without the bad language.

I watch a great deal of Japanese anime and my daughter’s friends are all surprised and think I’m cool. Should I be concerned?

Hiccups are for losers.

REVIEWS

BRYAN

Betty’s and Mai Tais and Two Vines Gewurztraminer 11%.

iOS game Tower of Fortune 2.

Napoleon Dynamite.

TYLER (I got more because Bryan always has to pee) shut up

Sparkling wine that I will NOT blow up!

Apple’s new Radio service

Hitchcock starring Anthony Hopkins

CLOSING THOUGHTS

BRYAN

You know who's really angry? Walter White Jr.

Gestational Diabeetus!

Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light. But you probably will anyway because you're a stupid dirty whore!

What exactly *is* a "girlgina"?

The acronym for the Vancouver Art Gallery is VAG.

Rock over London, rock out in Chicago! Wheaties, breakfast of champions!!

TYLER

Flatulence is one of my favorite Russian dishes.

Big moustaches are sooooooo 1990’s.

I can’t drive in traffic because I have a goiter.

I thought Slash would look more like a vagina than a sheepdog.

Astronauts have their anuses sewn shut for space travel.

SWORPL

The rules of the game are that you must use Google and you have to turn off Safe Search. Moderate doesn’t count. And now we get to show them during the show!

Bryan:

sorry swirling snail snot - http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130124235303/mlp/images/5/52/Sweet_Mustaches_S1E6.png         

Live link!: https://www.youtube.com/user/tiitalk/feed?activity_view=6

SPONSORS

The Dyson Home Metal Detector. Because you’d pay $300 for a fan.

The Slappy Pappy - Convenient home… er… entertainment center. Yeah.

Walter White’s Miracle Stain Remover - I am the one who knocks. Out spots!

Skanks “R” Us - Your one-stop shop for all things slutty!

Piper Chapman’s Prison Wine - now in eau de toilette.

A Square Cylinder - Portland’s best art studio now featuring Crab Cakes, since Crabby Micro and the Hot Toona Orchestra’s live music sex performance show went soft and was raided by the police.

THESPIANISM - Basic Instinct

Catherine and Nick walk into Nick’s spare apartment. Bryan plays Nick and Tyler plays Catherine.                                    CATHERINE                        You should put some warmth into                        it.  You don't want it to reflect                        on your personality.          She turns, smiles at him.                                    NICK                        Jack Daniel's okay?  It's gonna                        have to be.                                    CATHERINE                        Fine.                                    NICK                        Ice?                                    CATHERINE                               (smiles)                        Please.          Make googly eyes at the camera.          NICK takes out a pen and shows it to the camera.                                    CATHERINE                        Let me do that.  You like to watch                        me doing it, don't you?          CATHERINE smiles. NICK “hands” the pen to the camera. CATHERINE shows her own pen to the camera.                                    CATHERINE                        Can I have a cigarette, please?  I                        told you you'd start smoking again.          He watches her working on the ice. CATHERINE makes movement off-camera.                                    CATHERINE                        Light it for me, will you?          He does, steps to her.  CATHERINE puts an e-cig in her mouth.  Their eyes are on each other.                                    CATHERINE                        Thank you.          She works on the ice again, opens the cabinets for glasses.                                    NICK                        What did you pay Nilsen?                                    CATHERINE                               (doesn't look at him)                        Isn't he the policeman that you                        shot, Shooter?          She makes the drinks.                                    NICK                        What if I asked you not to call me                        Shooter?                                    CATHERINE                        What if I call you Nicky?                                    NICK                               (after a beat)                        My wife used to call me that.                                    CATHERINE                               (smiles)                        I know, Nicky, but I like it.          She hands him his drink, holds hers.                                    CATHERINE                        Cheers.  My friends call me                        Catherine.                                    NICK                        What did Bobby Vasquez used to                        call you?                                    CATHERINE                        Bitch mostly, but he meant it                        affectionately.  You don't have                        any coke, do you?  I love coke and                        Jack Daniel's.                                    NICK                               (after a beat)                        There's Pepsi in the fridge.

#FACTS

The name "Siamese Fighting Fish" has been changed to the more Politically Correct "Conjoined Altercation Piscis".

The colloquialism “Lickety Split” which people often use to indicate they want something done fast does not mean what you think it means. In the 30’s it was typically phrased as a question.

RIFFING

CHECK OUT our new thingy! We now have a brand spanking new Google+ page. Just go to http://gplus.to/tiitalk and you’re in like flint!

DONATE TO US or we’ll squander our talent doing a show that only 3 people will ever see! Oh wait! We already do that!

BRYAN

Black Sabbath show and way drunk Skytrain puker.

Shirley would rather watch The Man with the 132 Pound Scrotum than our show. How do you go for a walk? Put them in a wheelbarrow? And I guess you’d have to call in sick a lot.

Russian Nesting Dolls. Shirley says they’re full of themselves. That’s twice I’ve mentioned you, damnit!

People who type LOL when they're not actually LOLing.

Bronies are freaks.

TYLER

Dipping sauces favored by cannibals.

I have a feeling that Vin Diesel is a dick. He needs to come on the show and explain how he is or is not a dick.

Why is Chlamydia not a Calliope when the latter is a giant organ that makes a lot of noise?

I must make an admission. I’m a spaz.

Why do some people refer to Gay people as THE Gays?

REVIEWS

BRYAN

Fish Eye pinot grigio and mai tais (now with pre-packaged mint leaves because my plant is a dick).

Little Galaxy for iPad, iPhone, etc.

Black Sabbath!

TYLER (I got more because Bryan always has to pee)

Wine and no more Sangria. Boooo!

I don’t give a shit!

Halo G6

CLOSING THOUGHTS

BRYAN

Are dogs that run in packs referred to as ruffians?

Nobody likes clowns.

Nobody likes mimes.

If you pick it it won’t heal.

If you picket only scabs will cross.

Dinosaurs are Satan’s dead pets.

Rock over London, rock out in Chicago! Wal-Mart, it's always the low price. Always.

TYLER

I don’t care for twigs, but I do like sticks and logs.

Do you fancy a ride in the carriage Mssr. Blockhead?

Squeezing things only makes it worse.

Paleontological plebeian psychotic plesiosaurs puffing paunchy poops!

I have to pee. Pee. Get it? PEEEE

There is a hole in my head and I can’t stop fingering it.

SWORPL

The rules of the game are that you must use Google and you have to turn off Safe Search. Moderate doesn’t count. And now we get to show them during the show!

Bryan:

warning system cylindrical pate - http://sptsb.com/TdayGarySausage.jpg