#thv angst

And we had a magical world, with dragons and knights and kings, even witches. you were the queen, and I, the king. the playground across the school was a popular destination for the kids to play at for recess, but we didn’t go down the slides or ride the swings, no. we went past that and into the forest where we crossed a bridge to our favorite spot. Us three. Namjoon would lay out our ‘gadgets’ like compasses and the weapons he had hid behind a tree because we would be dead if the teachers caught them.

But anyway, as the king, I had the responsibility to protect you from outsiders and as the knight, Namjoon had the responsibility to protect the both of us. You, you sat there watching us fight the imaginary dragons that seemed far too real in my mind. You laughed at us as we ran into each other, and your terrified expression I remember far too well as we heard the school bell ring from a distance and realized we had to go. “Shit, we’re late.” You’d curse, and I’d tell you, “don’t say that! Cursing is bad.”

You would apologize, but I ended up cursing with you, giggling at my ‘sin.’ You taught me many things, in fact most of the things I know.

As we got older, and went into high school, I caught you staring off into the distance. “What’s wrong?” I asked, following your line of sight to notice a boy. He was alone, and I recognized him. He was the new guy. Back to the emotion, I clenched my jaw and swallowed a lump in my throat that hurt. “That guy, he’s all alone. We should invite him to eat with us.” You turned to me, smiling and slightly blushing. I should’ve known that the color on your cheeks didn’t mean you liked talking to me, or that the smile on your face wasn’t because I had tapped your shoulder.

Even though I hated the idea, I agreed anyway. If it meant you were happy. I stood up to approach him, but you stopped me. “I.. should go.” You frowned, and I was confused. You looked mad at me, like I did something wrong, but I just wanted to help.

“Right.” I nodded, your grip on my wrist burning me. It felt like you were one of the villains we used to fight, fire man, or whatever.

Maybe you were mad. Because when the guy sat in front of you, you talked to him instead. You didn’t even introduce us, didn’t bat an eye at the guy that sat right next to you. And even if I looked your way many, many, times, you ignored me. And you never, ignored me.

Namjoon sat down with his lunch, and you introduced him to the guy in front of you, “Namjoon, this is my new friend.” You said with a smile, the smile that was meant for me. They shook hands, while mines were tightly wrapped around the milk bottle I liked. It was the strawberry milk the cafeteria sold.

The guy had a chocolate milk, the one you also liked. And it started becoming clear the more he sat with us, because everytime I tried sitting next to you, the spot was reserved for the asshole. Why? I got there first so why should I have my spot taken away from a nobody that took your attention from me? I lost my appetite, finding my phone more entertaining instead but only to the eye. I was dying inside, my foot touched yours under the table and instead of starting a foot fight you flinched away.

Namjoon sat next to me, starting to talk about some girl in his class but why would I care? “Namjoon, can we talk about something else?” I asked him, tone a little too annoyed than I wanted it to be. “Shit, dude stop being so rude.” He scoffed, and started eating in silence instead. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but it burnt my ears and cut them off. It felt to violent, but not more than your voice laughing with the guy across from me.

And I confronted you one day, pulling you outside the class before we could make it to lunch. “Hey, um,” I nervously stopped you, hands slightly shaking. “I know that guy is practically our friend now, but I wanted to go somewhere with just the three of us: You, Namjoon, and me.” And you agreed, so I got excited.

So no, it wasn’t exactly how I wanted it to be because I was too much of a limp dick to actually confront you.

I dressed up nice that day, looking forward to our meet up at the park. I had planned it out, in fact I had taken a board game I wanted us to play.

When I got there, Namjoon was already waiting for us. I asked him about you, and turned out you were running late. But you hadn’t texted me, I should’ve been the one you told not him. I came up with the meet up, not Namjoon. But I waited, we waited. And you did show up.

You greeted us with a smile, even complimented the perfume I wore just for you and I was happy. My heart jumped and I smiled so big my cheeks hurt. We talked, and I brought out the board game with an exaggerated presentation. But when we started playing, your phone became a problem. You received text after text from a handle with a heart. I figured it was your mother, until I got frustrated and read the name. I wanted to scream, yell at you and tell you he was an asshole. I wanted to break your phone and smash it into the pavement so it wouldn’t be able to recover. But I didn’t.

And I thought that made me a good guy, but it didn’t.

You were distracted, looking at your phone awkwardly everytime it dinged, the annoying sound just like the guy’s voice. Namjoon ended up wining the game and it irritated me, I needed to win because then you would look at me. Me. But you applauded him, and I hated it.

I hated the fact that I wasn’t the one receiving your praise.

And I did what I shouldn’t have done, I punched him. Only once, but I looked at my hand right after, shaking. I sobbed, looking down at Namjoon as he stared at me with pure hatred. I almost liked it. But I also hated it because when I turned to you, you had a shocked expression on your face. “What the fuck, have you done, taehyung?” You yelled, hurrying over to Namjoon and helped him up. “What the fuck, man?”

It hurt me to apologize, but I did it anyways because you deserved the apology. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, Namjoon.” And I saw the guy’s face on his, one I wanted gone and one I envied.

The next day at lunch, you were laughing with the guy, and I heard him say something that made my blood boil. “Who likes strawberry milk? It sucks.” And the worst part, was that you agreed. You agreed. And looking at the bottle that sat on my tray, I now hated it. I hated drinking it and I started getting chocolate milk. I did it because maybe then you’d talk to me and maybe then you’d like me more. Namjoon sat with his new friends, a friend group that matched him perfectly and I watched as he laughed with a bruised cheek. I was the reason for the purpleish color on his face, and for once, I felt guilty about it.

I looked back at my tray, opening the chocolate milk bottle and forcing it down my throat. It felt disgusting and I shivered. But I forced myself to drink it because you thought low of it, and I hated low. Even if I had to throw it out in the bathroom after lunch, I drank it everyday.

After high school, came college, and surprisingly, we were still friends. We talked, took classes together, and sat with each other at lunch. You told me you wanted to go to a certain university, the study of architecture your chosen route. And I followed you. Not because I liked the subject, but because it meant I’d see you. But he also followed you.

He was smart, way smarter than me and still is. And you deserved that but I didn’t know it then.

I learnt the subject I had no interest in, and I passed every class. In fact I’d be an architect by now along with you but I’m not. We went to diners together when you were free, along with him. I didn’t know it then, partially because I was in denial and because you hadn’t told me. But you and him were dating, you loved each other, still do. I sat in front of you both, holding hands under the table and flirting with each other right in front of me. I pretended not to hear it, and eventually I didn’t. In fact I grew very distracted, I couldn’t hear as the two of you spoke, nor as you kissed when I walked away to the bathroom. I became deaf to your love.

I ran into Namjoon one day, finding him at the same park I punched him at. He nodded at him, greeting me silently as I sat next to him. “Long time no see, huh?”

“Yeah, how you been?” I answered, hands in my pockets. He was bulked up, looked much, much better than me. I was lean and weak and, fuck everything nobody would want but you wanted me, right?

“Good,” and then he asked about you and how your relationship had been. “Oh, well I haven’t asked her out yet but—” but then he stopped me.

“What? I meant her and her boyfriend, the guy that sat with us at lunch, I forgot his name.” He interrupted, my breath hitching and my heart dropping into my stomach. I grew mad, accusing him of lying and leaving him in shock. I ran to your apartment that was right above mines, yes I followed you there too.

He opened the door, shirtless. And you appeared next to him with hickeys, and fuck I could’ve pissed myself right then and there. I felt sick, but you looked so, beautiful. I wanted to punch him, but you were glowing. “Sorry.” I apologized, leaving right away. And when we met at the coffee place again as we always did, you came in holding hands with the man I hated and I finally opened my eyes to see yours staring so very deeply into his. And I hated him.

I hated him because he was everything I could’ve never been. I hated him because he was so fucking nice and never did anything wrong. I hated him because he was so fucking good at everything and I was just there. I dropped my phone to the ground and I finally saw your hands tightly gripped in each other’s as his thumb caressed the back of your palm.

I finally heard the way you whispered to each other and the way you kissed his cheek. you looked happy.

And ever since then, I realized I could never make you feel that way, I could never see your smile aimed towards me and think, she loves me. Never. I was a fool. I, the jester that thought I had a chance with you, the queen that had a king beside her that wasn’t me. And fuck, Namjoon was still the knight because you got along, even your boyfriend does. But I, I was still stuck on the hill peering at you through my broken binoculars and noting down the pain I felt in my chest. I was looking at you the way we looked the kids we envied.

You are rich, not financially, well also that, but you are in love. And I want that for myself, from you. I note this down as you walk down the isle with your father and cry as your groom has tears in his eyes.

But I think I cried more, I shed tears as I watched you from afar, I wasn’t even invited but I’m still here for you because you’ll never notice. You never did. I’ll leave this on your gift table, but, it isn’t meant for you to run after me. We used to write down what the kids from across the field did, and now you’re one of them. And I want to share this with you, because I want to become one of those kids too.

note: so.. I don’t know what possessed me but i love some heavy angst. I just had this song on repeat and thought, I need to write something about this!