#threeboys

I have been led on a spiritual path since I was a young girl leading me to this moment. I have had a dragon to tame the entire time, and this dragon is my friend. He has always been with me, although sleeping at times. We would play on the slide and it was a fun game. The dreams of me as a teen, having this dragon slayed was always devastating to me. Although I was afraid of how large, and how much he had changed over time, I would run up and down the slide and it was a game. When afraid, I would eventually slide down and be “swallowed” or “eaten” or “become” or “within” or “combined”.

This dragon spirit was the first to approach me in my spiritual awakening, as a guide. But also, desperately needing to be tamed, understood, fed, and inspired to awaken.

Ty and I (one of the 3 boys) had a romanticized friendship that never flourished because of the wounded boy Jack, and because Mason would have never approved. Out of love for these friends, Ty would always leave and never admit his feelings to me or anyone else. Ty constantly came and went, only showing up to protect, serve, and then politely leave.

At the end of my fantasy and delusion, Mason told me that Jack had died. There was a fire, but Ty escaped. I finally listened, and told the truth. I used the color red to push down these memories and eventually it worked, although the color red was somewhat haunting to me for over a year.

As discussed here, I feel there are real “versions” of my characters that have manifested in my life. Such as Mason, being so similar to my hubby. Jack representing Rob. And as discussed today, Ty. For the purpose of his privacy, I’ll just refer to him as Him or He in this post…

He and I had a good friendship, and it was rarely about sex when mali was not involved. We spent much time talking and dancing and discussing the mind, energy, body language, animals. Discussing the worlds, mass movements, dogma, spiritual and sacred secrets. We over time, discovered a way to stop our friends from controlling our friends with mind control. But let’s admit that we had learned a fair amount about this. I’ll be the first to admit that I played their own games onto them and this never left me. And is what triggered me into thinking I was an Empath.

Admittedly, he gave me the name Lilith because of this, in combination with my sexual prowess and was the first to encourage the Enchantress – the Mystic within me. The first to sit me down for movies such as Zeitgeist and Down the Rabbit Hole. Countless hours of electronica and feeling in a state of ecstasy does a number on opening up even the toughest of inner characters and deep thoughts.

He seems to appear in my life in my time of darkness, chaos, and we accept each other at face value. It’s true, that I believe this Twin Flame Stuff somewhat applied to my shadow side emerging and it makes sense to me that this happen with him. He is a chimera, I was told today that his spirit animal is an octopus. If applied in the right perceptions, this can again be perceived very darkly, especially if applied to the Kraken story. Considering we’re “pirates” and well, that just gotta little dark and twisted in myths!

Coming back to my friendship with Ty, this can also apply to Him, as he only appeared and stuck around in time of need.

I have been immaturely caught up with the long lost idea of Him for a long time.  (Yea, if you read this, I missed you.)

I went to send him off when he moved away not to fuck him or admit my undying love. But to establish our friendship in time. To encourage him to leave for the right reasons, and that if he was running from me that he didn’t need to, that I didn’t want him to run from me. There are a lot of reasons he had to leave, the primary ones being that I was right. He had family stuff, health issues, a good mind, a drive for school and an opportunity to do that. And as much as he hated that I was right, he knew I would be okay. This stung but it was true.

He called me out on lying for so long and didn't support it at all. After drinking, after watching the movie and some physical stuff yes — the majority of our night was spent outside talking this shit out or just sitting in each others presence.

He was genuinely impressed that I graduated! Especially after all those days I skipped…

He had to admit that he knew I would be okay. That although we didn’t understand the potential, he did, even back then. And at that time… I was pissed – this was immature of me at the time – but he was right! And I think he still knows that.

I think we’re spiritually going to need to tell each other the other reasons that we didn’t discuss then, to transcend to now. He did not tell me how he felt about me, nor I him. We just knew “if it was meant to continue that it would but – right now we need to split and hold our tongues” he said. (EDIT: OR NOT, READ BELOW UPDATES) I agreed, but that I refused to say goodbye – someday I would need to know. He said someday he’d tell me, but right now he had nothing to offer me and was empty-handed and lost.

So — I think he is very much part of my journey and it has everything to do with learning and expanding. Although this divide in time lines is going to be a matter of choice and him realizing his free will. I do not know who he is now, any more than I did or did not recognize my own dragon!

The truth is, I know him as a Higher Being and he is more like a kind of Teacher/Student Brother/Sister King/Queen kind of relationship.

He can not and will not harm me. As he is not meant to. We need not be afraid. But at this time he is undecided if I am worthy of knowing and understanding, and that will be for him to decide within his judgement of his own shadows alike.

I do not want him as a partner, and never did. We may have a hard time wrapping around and accepting that in this lifetime of conflicted emotions and thoughts. I don’t need him nor him me, but it’s another thing to know that we want to help each other. We just don’t know how in this reality and lifetime yet.

I need my friends. I need to know that Ty escaped the fire, and HOW! HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW this is my question!

There is absolutely no way of knowing this to be true but I have recovered a few Past Live memories and frequencies that match with this as well.

Including the individual mentioned that ‘watched me burn’ at the stake.

And another in which, We went to war and came back as a troubled and traumatized men. It took nearly the entirety of that life to recover from this was. I remember that struggle, the distrust, the dillusion, the scarcity. The chaotic nature of the world at this time in history was Terror & we lived that out. But it was brutal. Or lives now are but a taste of that devising state, if only ancestral DNA or as a past life, that Warrior clearing was intense of mind.

Awakening

He was THE TRIGGER to my awakening to who I really am. And I am – probably – his spiritual trigger of remembrance. I will need him to come to terms with that – and face me. Just like I had to face him, and he’s going to see me in a much darker light than anyone else because of what’s Below – That I was who helped him figure out his power in the first place… A looong time ago & a place very faaaar away from here.

The most physically powerful and influential person I know, will have to choose if he’s going to step down or step up from his “throne”. As it’s a complete delusion of his own creation that will need to shatter during his unfolding. If his pride (Lilith in Leo) is challenged he will either obliged to Liliths Requests in Honor, or completely deny her and refuse us as equals. Spiritually this would be extremely damaging to his pride and ego – which would only quicken the unfoldment. That danger is his own as he is wise to take his time. I believe if we can get to the truth together by “going back to school”, then we BOTH have a chance to learn and clear our karma and others in this life.

He is also of Orion, and will need to come to terms with his soul power of Saturn & Uranus, eventually. I don’t think he understands his powers, or how much he effects other people as Energetically & Psychically. He is not capable of controlling his energy within it yet (at least that I know of).

123!

Unconditional love is the answer to this spiritual quest for knowledge, understanding, and personal integrity of identity.

To Him, Thanks & I Love You – I hope someday soon you Remember too.  When you do, I’ll be there

| Above written as of August 8 |

http://lightandcites.com/a-venus-letter

It’s now 11/20/2019 and I feel differently about some of these words and terms and ideas. The 11/11 date was an extremely integrating time for my understanding. All that I talk about such as thoughts and emotions. I spent the day really going through a writing-recap of my year and I have learned and changed a lot.

I do feel spiritual empowered by this individual but not in a targeted way, in an emotionally real way.

It seems so dramatic to read (esp all at once) and me figuring all this out is BRILLIANT because I really didn’t know or recall all this. That’s why I write it down. But I also write it down so that later I can look back on it, and see how much things changes and develops over time. The truth comes out in the end.

I love the guy for who he is to me, but I don’t know (and never will) any more than my own experience or perception. All I can really do in this life in this relationship, is to be myself and inform in the right times, the reasons and lessons and stuff that matters to him. These are one of these days where many lessons are linked together.

The reason for all of this, including the 3 boys, dragon/kundalini, past review clearing this year. Was to get back to Center. To the original self, through all the many layers. The reason for all this healing has been – for me to really discover the fantasy, delusion, shadow, Lilith, the biblical orientation that came through in various ways. I had to get to a point where I wasn’t running from them. These included Core Life Issues revolving around family, money, loss, and well, death. So to have come to terms with all of these throughout the year was – damn right Enlightening.

If only to my own experience and interpretation of it. 📷 Which is the cool part. Because not a lot has changed in the 3D reality yet. Now I get to walk-about the planet feeling lighter, freer, and more purposeful. If nothing else, my understanding of my Many Selves, Psyche and Emotions are taking me to my own levels of intelligence and awareness.

I had some help from the past and the present from the Key Characters in my life. I will forever be grateful.

The Twin Flame Journey for some is a game of Mirrors and Self Discovery in itself. It helped to understand the science behind the Magnetic/Manifest energy, and the Electric/Active energy differences and polarity.

Eventually, I put together the number 7 which helped in a number of ways and paths.

The study of Alchemy through Hermes has been a huge help for me, in getting back to Source through Self.

The word God has irritated me for so long because it’s so attached to this One Story in the bible, and really if you look into any religion it’s a pretty similar story as a Whole.

As a lover of science, I hated this term and thus the story. I struggled to understand Quantum Physics and Theories for years. Especially during the time of Emotional Depth and BodyMind.

I know this post is on the TF bit, so I will state that I love that the key interests are Psychology and Biology and that he actually went to school for this. But didn’t graduate. And I have studied these off-topic relations for years but never did get to school, or finish reading some of these same ass books. That I finally have finished… And this is what happened when it did.

I smash into this TF spiral because it’s in the same circle of info, and this really ties into everything else too. But the truth is – I still don’t fucking give a shit for labels. And thus, the whole experiences has been a mind fuck of a realization that

WE ALL MIRROR PEOPLE.

As above so below, As below so above.

Until you see in yourself what your judging in others for, there’s an immediate misunderstanding. Sometimes we get lucky enough to have relationships like this that take enough interest to manifest into something awesome. Others, it’s a divine set up of Timing and Character.

There’s a lot left for me to learn but it’s not going to be through a Twin Flame set of mirrored glasses.

Case closed. Even if we are, and I just happened to recognize it. It doesn’t change a damn thing about anything until I realized it was me. And this is why my understanding of Love has been Tangled.

These energies are everywhere. We are everywhere, entangled with everything. Anyone can be a TF to anyone else in theory. You go down one hole and you’ll meet another.

The consciousness of Venus is related to Ra (Law of One), Christ (Morning Star, see last verses of the entire bible in revelations), and Knowledge (conscious intelligence and understanding of love). Love is Logos. Logos is of love and light, source, force, etc. This is before the split of polarity, before the existence of gender or duality. And this is true to any new Logos, which would be the Flower of Life, that splits (like any cell does for life to emerge), is just a part of the same source, divided or mirrored/cloned. From here the sources work together to make the third, and on it goes.

I think the power behind the idea of Twin Flames is held in secret desire to know thyself through lack of self… Then when you realize you are what you are, we’re looking at the story of the Echo and Narcissus now. Right?

That’s not what it’s about. TFs are the power to Create and bring it all together, if for one or both. I don’t care much that we’re living separate lives, I like my life with Bowden and the Baby. I’m not trying to change that. I’m trying to keep that and let the people I love know that I love them and always did. Because that is my manifestation of Love and Light in this life. And he helped to awaken that, which is also pretty TF as fuck right? A Kundalini Dark Knight of the Soul? FUCK that’s pretty intense Twin Flame right. And the birthday and constantly seeing 123 fucking everywhere, there’s that. But it was all for reason of realization that

I am alive and well. That I’m loved unconditionally. That I AM. And that I am worthy and capable. Just as a I am right now.

Am I lucky enough to have a human friend?

What is Fire if not for Spark? What is a Twin if not a Clone? What is a Flame for if not for Warmth? What is Twin Flame but not a Union of Love?

Time and distance still don’t give a fuck when it comes to love. Love knows no bounds. And this is the only reason the relationship continues, boundless and creative source unleashed.

In many ways, they are my Master Teachers of Life Lessons. I have learned more from them than anyone. Not only on the inside, in my fantasy world. But In Real Life, these Real People – let’s use Mason character as the example – I married him.

The last few days has been a bit of putting together of all the pieces and parts from my regression last year into a picture that makes a lot more sense to me. Specifically the Three Boys and how they manifested into my life in what seemed to me very real, significant wants related to people. It wasn’t until I dealt with my own inner judgements of this that I was able to relate to these real people in the now as separate individuals from my self. Especially the Twin Flame concept in many ways, and how that acted as a strong Mirror to my own concerns for myself. I have found as time goes by that this individual really affects me because I allow him to and that I feel on a soul level, we have agreed to. The same applies to the other Real characters. What made me realize the Truth Behind the Illusion of Separateness is actually this relationship within myself to what some would call the Avatar. The ‘other half’ of your masculine or feminine side, and the Mirror in which we face when dealing with our own judgements upon our selves in various ways. This at first, felt like meeting my Shadow, more than it did my own inner Avatar. Especially because Ty really was in my own fantasy way, ‘in the dark’ or ‘unseen’ a lot. Now that the inner ‘romance’ of this old, but real friend, has subsided as friendship has begun to overcome the illusions of Then and Now. Memories are returning rapidly…

Another inner character of the 3 Boys was Jack, the main character who was abused, lost and eventually ‘died’. In many ways was a representation of real people in my life. The emo kid I dated in high school and could never let go of…

And finally, Mason whom was/is an interpretation of Bowden my husband was the most confusing because in many ways he did the Same Things and Triggers as Mason. But some things didn’t make a match, such as arguments with Mason – Bowden and I never argue. We may disagree but I’ve never had a real fight with him, and I can’t say that about Mason. What inner character this most related to was my Ego!

In effect the 3 Boys or the illusion/fantasy/journey with these characters was SEEDED to my psyche at a young age so that I would realize my own Self/s:

Avatar

Shadow

Mirror

Ego

Woah! I like this a lot better than any other ideas I’ve been bouncing around this year. It makes logical, spiritual, and leads me to know myself more. This Reveal was slow, careful, methodical, and wise on my own behalf. I can not longer be afraid of myself or these parts of myself, these characters, or these real friends in my life. I thank those real individuals for sticking to their agreements on a soul level, to help awaken me at this time in the journey. Whether I am able to hold up my end of these contracts now rests in their willingness to know I am here to help them and so I patiently wait with open arms.

I have had the biggest struggle lately to overcome my Christian conditioning and ‘oh my god’ is not enough of a statement to cover how I feel right now. Partially enraged and partially excited, I hope I can cover this in enough understanding.

I have always felt that “god” and the “devil” were the ‘wrong characters’ or at least, there was something about this that was being perceived incorrectly. Recently I’ve encountered my own self made demons, but the thing was that the idea of demon spirits and the like, on a scientific standpoint didn’t make sense to me.

Now, I have been blogging here about Empathy, Emotions, Energy, and my own Self Healing journey. Exposing how I’ve been processing my thoughts, emotions and memories.

When it came to the “darker memories”, the ones that are grusome, horrific, traumatic, and destructive to my true nature whether from real life experiences or from my own inner worldly dellusions or fantasies. In my mind and memory, are very real and have continued to follow me.

My trouble truly is self deceit, silencing my spirit and denying myself any credit for what I do that is “good”. I left my ‘religious upbringing’ and spirituality not because I wanted to sin or even believed in it. But because I didn’t understand what I was being taught and told because it honestly made NO logical sense to me. And even when using my imagine, no. ESPECIALLY when I used my imagination, things were dark and dangerous. In a very real way God was the Devil, he scared me. God’s ‘wrath’ literally turned me away from this, like so many others.

In recent time I have greatly challenged these ideas in my mind, the devil and demons, they must be scientifically explained some how. Using what I know about energy and emotions, I think it’s created within and ‘sin’ is simply us harming ourselves. Now to what extend this ‘self harm’ is done, I don’t fully know. My two theories are: 1) before you are born your soul makes a plan or blueprint of visions, memories, and actions that will take place at, when, or where they are destined to be, or 2) you simply choose as you go to remember or forget by choice, and/or you choose well or not well ways to live of your own, or 3) -which i don’t believe- it’s all pre-written and fate and destiny and will are actually a delusion.

If I accept either of these, then I can begin to acknowledge that I have created my own experiences from the start, including both what has happened and what has not happened both outside and inside myself.

Let’s take these 3 boys of my fantasy world. ( #threeboys ) In short, I basically fantasied about a runaway, abused boy and his two friends. They started as simple imaginary friends. They now may represent archetypes then that I “know” I would meet in later life, or dare I say create?

Because I was 12-14 years old, a young girl fresh out of Christian church. So ya know, innocent sure. But I definitely have always had a stubborn, rebellious nature. Here’s the thing, these visions/world it doesn’t really matter to me how I lost a year of my life, or why I created them into my reality by telling my real-life friends that these characters ‘where real’. What does matter is that they were real to me, and I created them. Whether before, during, or after my delusions started, to me these archetypes, characters and people did actually Manifest… into Real Living People… Or maybe they ‘already existed’ and I was yet to ‘meet them’.

I have spent the last 15 years without much ‘thought’ towards these original fantasied characters. But in my recent recovery of these old memories and times of my life (minus the year between 12-13 that I still have No Memory of at all) – I realize how Real they are to me Now…

I know these three people…

The Jack, the Ty, the Mason – to a T these 3, are real people which I will leave unnamed here. And they are probably some if not they most, influential people in my memories, lessons, and thoughts… Read more here

… And now, I’m ready to face the fire and find out what happened, what’s going to happen, and whatever it is now, to Live it out.

Again, Bowden (aka Mason) says to ‘move on and forget’. (Just like he did in my fantasy, this is how I realized/remembered/recognized him as one of the characters actually). But this time I told Bowden the truth. Finally, I can be real about this without the forgetful, subconscious, actless BS, and parts of my secret world. And bring myself into my Real Life Once Again.

Wish me luck, but I gotta find out what happened to Tyler. I gotta know he’s okay. And it’s about time he knew that this wasn’t his fault. Both inside and outside, because I didn’t do right by ‘him’ in either reality. I told him I wasn’t going to Leave Him Behind.

I’m not one for promises. But I made a few Real Life promises that I intend to keep… That is, now that I remember what a few of them are anyways lol

The most triggering video to my inner world ever… since these things of the mind can never really be explained outwardly… and this just glitched to my YT randomly…

I have began to remember the fantasy life I had created when I was young, 12-14 Years Old after moving back to WA with my dad. I am yet to understand WHY I brought this world into my real life.