The Holiday + Birthday continuum comes to a close presently and we get to consider what's next: it's overwhelming.
Lacking in following through on any education, business or spiritual practices lately. Simply grounded in the present reality around me, it's chaos. Like our political and global situation, it continues to change dramatically as the only constant.
B has struggled with chronic bronchitis since Nov and doesn't show signs of improvement. Recon to the house is imminent and must happen this spring/summer. As well as the storage revamp; which is a whole monster in and of itself.
As abandonment triggers abounded last year, I struggled to get any of my "social needs" met anymore. B isn't even taking smoke breaks, and its definitely taken a hit on our "friendship" I guess, and it's difficult to even express that. But hanging out in the car, is much different than hanging out inside somehow and with the hours he's working. On top of losing friends. It's been a really big let down and just get to work, get stuff done to pass the time... Because it must improve at some point right? There are many changes still that need to be made, and I'm so tired of arguing and being belittled by, frankly everyone but Charlee in my day-to-day life. I have learned to take things less personally and not take on other people's moods and problems; unless they ask me for help and assistance. Until then man, I'm staying out of it.
The hard part is that I wish I was so much more involved with certain people, like my sister, that the struggle within is difficult because I desperately want to be there for her; someone she can call and talk to. But I'm not that person and I don't know how to get into her life to be that person or make it more transparent. Until she accepts the gestures and helps put forth the opportunities.
When I take the perspective of disregarding spiritual ideas and concepts out of my day-to-day life; it's somewhat simpler on my brain and day-to-day function. I'm much less distracted because I'm not spending so much time in deep thought, studying, and rather obsessing over concepts to interest; my soul or mind or complex system.
When I look at the "loony" kind of stuff; light language, higher self, even reiki, etc. I feel like it really could all be its own cult. That there is a lot of built-in false-light, at the very least deep traps that one can fall into that really befall the mind into a kind of madness and at times; even psychosis or an existential crisis. Or as they would say perhaps even a spiritual awakening. When I look into that from the outside, it's much too complex to try to explain to anyone let alone "believe in" if I'm honest with myself. Not to say though, that what confounds me then; is the science that is linked to it...
For years, I've attributed experiences I've had as "spiritual" however the episode I had this year was darker and more uncontrollable and unsettling. It's difficult to ignore the positive that actually did occur from it; including a loss of a pain and the return of my right foot working properly again with more feeling.
However, my own thoughts and imagination was lost in a fantasy reality. One that I didn't share with anyone else and it was/is alienating. Anyways, not sure how I feel about any of it anymore.
Granted theres some things that now that I "know" them I can't "unknow" them and I'll live with. Especially some of the occult knowledge and lore that is used in the media, that goes unnoticed and utilized as a weapon against us all the time; gematria and other symbols found through out history.
I'm just not sure at all where I sit with things like energy medicine because when I was passionate about it, I was turned out. Sure, it seemed to help me a lot at the time but I wasn't really doing much else to contribute to my self; it was all within my mind-body complex. I was never strict about any procedures nor was a following any rituals.
Anyways, feeling a bit lonely and unsure about what to do about the complex reality that I share with others around me.