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spoke to my therapist today abt finding solace in gender critical ideas but feeling guilt and alienation among my gender-having friends because of it. and that coupled with the pain/resentment of being the only remaining female-identified non-medicalized afab left in my previous circles. there is more i could write about this and i probably will. but it felt good to get that out with her and it feels good to finally be #onhere rather than lurking...
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feels kinda bad to not have the bandwidth to use this space for building up my arguments and ideas to the point i can confidently share them in real life. atp i'm just using it to vent when upsetting stuff comes my way that i have no way to express elsewhere, and that's not the ideal but it is what i have the capacity for rn
it must look like i spend 99% of my time raging and concern trolling about transmascs from a distance but the truth is all my female friends and every new gnc female i meet have all gone down the rabbit hole and it's just become incredibly frustrating to feel so alone in non-conforming womanhood
there is a really mean part of me as a naturally virile butch who has been healing my personal issues for many years that sees shrinking violet tboys who are clearly still anxious and uncomfortable as hell despite transitioning or who have shit for muscle tone and need me to open a jar for them and thinks 'all that work and so many of you singing the praises of going on T for This??'
like brother you're not even jacked??? you're not happy??? you don't even fuck???? you have NO swag????
how do i actually stop engaging in the fawn response toward men. im so tired of being nice as a nervous response to people who hurt me and make my life worse
gf out of the country with no internet.... it's only been 3 hours but i miss her......
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met a bunch of new women today and all the gnc ones had pronouns. even one of the not gnc at all ones which always feels so funny
meanwhile im showing up to the function masculine as fuck no bra collective eyebrows raising at the she/her reveal... ah yes
profoundly developmentally disabled teenager i work with tried to touch my ass yesterday, not the first time. i really really hate that men learn to be like this no matter what
anyway full disclaimer im thinking and learning all the time and would love to be proven wrong. if someone's nonbinary identity can exist alongside female solidarity and recognition of the reality of sex- neat. much more reasonable than the 'i was never a woman how dare you' camp. just personally those two things coexisting didn't make sense for me- a renewed sense of connection to other women (that i didn't even realize i had lost until i felt the difference) was a huge part of my experience reidentifying. it's a big reason why i feel so strongly about the value of womanhood, especially for those of us who are more masculine.
