#thought tracking

Why do I deserve attention and affection? There seems to be no reason beyond, you just do. Why does existing give me the right to be cared for? The neutral state is alone. Adding people is extra, therefore attention and affection are extra.

if i cut again, I have to go to outpatient. That’s the deal. But I hate who I am right now because I’m not cutting. I’m lashing out at everyone and venting at bad times and I’m just generally a person I hate. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry that I tried to die. I’m angry that I tried to do that to everyone. I’m angry at how everyone treats me after and how fake I have to act for them to leave me alone. I’m angry it didn’t work. I’m angry that I didn’t make it. I’m angry that I couldn’t have picked a method that was more likely to actually kill me. I hate that my body is so selectively resilient. I can have all manner of accidents and aches and injuries, but when I actually TRY to kill myself I can’t do enough damage to even lose consciousness. I fail at everything. I literally failed at dying. I should have combined mroe things at once. Maybe it would have worked. Then at least I wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath. This is why I never really tried before. Part of it. I knew the cleanup would be terrible whether I succeeded or not. At least if I didn’t I wouldn’t have to be here to deal with it. I guess that’s kind of the lazy way out though. I fucking hate this. Why can’t i just be ok? like really ok. 

Andrea hasn’t sent me the assignment she was talking about yet, so she’s probably annoyed with me for using up her time when I thought I left my earbuds in the chair and they were in the bottom of my bag. 

John: so I'm realizing I wish I'd listened more and talked less during our gender conversation Belial: I feel like I end up wishing that about most conversations. My impulse is always to talk more, and then regret it afterward. John: would you be willing to tell me a bit more about where you are and how you got there? Belial: Sure, but it's kindof devoid of big realizations. Or rather, there were probably big realizations involved but I tend not to notice them when I'm having them, I just notice the fallout. John: lol fair enough Belial: So yeah. The short answer is that I never identified super strongly with maleness. If you'd asked me any time in the last five or six years if I'd rather be a man or a woman I'd pretty reliably answer "Woman, but not strongly enough to do anything about it" John: Okay Belial: So having that answer in the back of my head meant I was always kindof aware that I was only a "man" because that was what people were defaulting to based on my appearance, and because I didn't feel strongly enough about any other option to want to fight them on it. Belial: And then I started hanging around places where I was with...a much higher percentage of agender or nonbinary folks. Belial: And after a while going with "he" started to feel more like a positive assertion I was making than the path of least resistance it had always been. Belial: And the more it felt like an assertion, the less I really felt comfortable making it. Belial: And then in january someone essentially put a multiple choice in front of me, and choosing "He" when I had other equally-weighted options felt  gross. So I chose "they" because it felt more right. John: all that....makes complete sense to me John: some of it is more analogous to my own experiences than other bits, but still. John: I kind of envy you the opt-in setting you've found Belial: It's a very small bubble, and I'm still new enough to this particular gender shift that I'm not sure how it's going to survive outside that bubble, but it's comfy. John: that makes sense.  hopefully you'll have settled into it before you collide with the outside world too much. Belial: Indeed.