#thooughts

It has been too long. Seasons have gone by, times have changed, people have aged and I have made it through the times I never thought I would. Whilst all this happened, I have neither I forgotten my way to this cocoon, nor have I lost fondness for it. With time, I only made peace with the thought that expression of thoughts is best to be done at ease, not in a rush or with a condition. I let myself breathe and not get disturbed by the lapse of time and the increasing gap of time in between my posts. Turns out that the breath was a long one.

Is this a sign of growth- To classify a sort of laziness or inability or negativity as “making peace”? I’m not sure. Truth is, I didn’t have hope and there was a lack of motivation, plus, there was a fear that made its nest in me and made me judge all the thoughts that I thought to unlock here before anyone else could and they never made it into imprinted words. I felt sorry for always thinking about limitations and whatever made the moment bad instead of finding my next milestone to achieve. And to not make myself appear like a sad soul, the thoughts never reached this blog.

It has been close to 10 years now to this blog and tumblr says this is the 291st post and looking through them, most of the posts have been published in the first five years – during the time when I guess hope was in abundance to me. I believed unconditionally and looked forward to changing the world while I was being trained to be empowered. And with time, everything started to decline - The frequency of posts, the hopefulness, the satisfaction and the goodness in my thoughts and words.

Now when I type this, with an excitement to publish, I don’t know if I’ll go on. While I am energized to find the lost positive in me, I do not trust the humanness that has doubts on its ambition. Will I be as energized tomorrow as I am today? People say that true strength lies in hoping for good amidst uncertainty and that finding good in all bad is a sign of maturity, I have been thinking that its a lie. To find hope where there is no possibility of it is like creating an illusion that is un real. To find signs of goodness where there isn’t some is like convincing yourself for something that isn’t there and waiting for the goodness to appear and eventually losing the trust in all the beliefs that you strongly had.

I guess even after 290 posts, I haven’t found answers to my questions. I used to wonder what is good and what is bad and how should one be, and the same ones surface every now and then even after a decade. Nonetheless, while I am unsure about the hopefulness to ascertain for the world, I am sure that doing what one feels right is the best way to go on. Ranting about unhappiness post after post at times didn’t feel right and therefore the gaps and understanding now that acknowledging unhappiness, fear, and uncertainty helps you face it has strengthened me to write this 291st post.

The timeline of the next post is uncertain. May be I’ll gather myself and write about musings tomorrow or maybe I’ll wait for a clearer sky in a winter afternoon to pen my next thought – the next one comes just when it feel right unconditionally.

I believe the man with the polio, is “Sun Woo’s” father. Apparently, he hid his son for obvious reasons if I understood it correctly. He (was/could be) king if it hadn’t been for his health and he’s not considered important because of that (??) And this might lead to the whole “destiny” talk they’ve had around Sun Woo. I believe he might stand a chance to get the throne. If he does, Sam Maek will be out of the picture. 

I know a lot of people argue about Ah Ro/ Sam Maek/ Sun Woo and I get it. I have my preference as everyone else but I won’t openly bitch or say shit about someone else’s ship (that’s ignorant and stupid). However, the possibility for Sun Woo to get the throne is now there... I believe if it gets out, he might be the one who gets to marry princess Sookmyung (something I like? The whole snake scene stuck with me and I loved it) and then Sam Maek might get a totally different path than to become king and things would actually change and it wouldn’t all be so obvious. You never know, though. 

I have no clue where Ah Ro or Sam Maek would end up if Sun Woo ended up on the throne however. I’m excited to see if there’s even a possibility of a different path that the obvious one.